E-mail Denial

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

Last summer I created a free JDate profile without a picture. In December I decided to pay for the membership and I got two e-mails from back in July.  I answered one of them and for a day I was on cloud nine.  But the next day I received an e-mail from the guy and he said we were in different places in our lives. He wished me luck and that was the last I am going to hear from him.  I thought we had a lot in common and we live in the same town. I lost my husband and this guy is also a widower and this is my first time venturing out and trying to date. I don’t know what I said exactly in the two or three e-mails that I sent to him, but I must have said something to turn him off to me.  Now, I am afraid to contact anyone else.  I am afraid of rejection in short.  How do I get over this?

Dear E-mail Denial,

A lot of time has passed between when the guy initially e-mailed you and now and you have no way of knowing what has occurred in his life since then. I would write the guy one more e-mail and let him know that if he changes his mind you’d love to hear from him, as you have a lot in common. That’s all you can do and afterwards you need to move on. It sucks but unfortunately that’s the risk you take not paying for a membership and being able to read your e-mail and contact people. Don’t be afraid to contact anyone else… if you have such commonalities with this guy, you will find another one, if not two, three or four more men. Being afraid of rejection is normal, but if you want to meet someone you have to take that risk and not take it personally if someone isn’t interested. Believe me, you will be approached by many a man whom you will not be interested in!


Email Eyesore

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

Maybe it’s just me or what I say, but out of 83 emails I sent out I have only gotten back responses from 4 people. What’s the story?

Dear E-mail Eyesore,

Without reading one of your email examples I’ll give you some basic advice. First, a 5% response rate isn’t all that bad. I know one in every 20 emails doesn’t sound great, but it’s not terrible, I promise you. You have to take into consideration that only paid JDate members can open email, so your odds are probably more like 10% if not more. Then, keep in mind that the ones responding are the ones you want to talk to because you have already established a mutual admiration. Now, take a look at your emails and make sure they’re not too generic, not too long, not too self-involved, not over-flattering and that welcome a response. Emails must be personalized. Lastly, make sure you’re sending emails to people that are realistically in your range, whether that be age, location, looks or what have you. It’s great to reach for the stars because you may catch one, but make sure that, in general, your expectations are realistic. I think that if you implement these things and remember that not everyone can read their emails you’ll find yourself not only getting more responses but feeling better about the ones you do get and not wondering about the ones you’re not hearing back from.


JDate No Date

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

No one on JDate will talk to me! Help! No one responds to my emails – I’ve tried keeping it short and I’ve tried elaborating, I’m not getting anymore “clicks” and no one wants to chat. WTF?! How do I fix this problem?! Lol. Please help!

Dear JDate No Date,

I can tell you’re really frustrated and I hope I can help. First, you’ve gotta shake off this recent dating downturn. Everyone goes through it at some point and it’s how you handle it that will make all the difference. Next, if you’re not a paid member I suggest you become one in order to maximize your chances. Change your preferences so that you’re searching for the categories that you would fall into and check out your competitions’ pictures and profiles to see what you are up against. Using what you’ve learned apply it to renovating your own profile and photos. While you’re at it, ask a trusted friend or relative to critique your profile honestly and bluntly and don’t take it personally. Even ask that confidant to critique your emails and IMs to potential dates to make sure you’re coming off the right way. And two final thoughts: One, make sure that your preferences are not too restricted and two, don’t give up, all dating lulls eventually come to an end so just have patience and keep at it and your luck will turn. Good Luck!


Non-Jewish JDaters

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Judaism,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

About five years ago I received an email on JDate from another journalist. In the email he told me he was a local TV news anchor which is why his profile was pretty vague, lacking photos and some other pertinent information. We decided to meet for sushi and as soon as we sat down he dropped the bomb: he wasn’t Jewish. He told me all his friends are Jewish and they all married Jewish women whom he found to be great wives and mothers and he wanted to marry a Jewish woman himself. I was stunned. Never in a million years did I think that non-Jews would be looking on JDate. I mean, this guy wrote me an email which means he actually PAID for a membership and wasn’t just browsing for entertainment’s sake. I told him I was flattered on behalf of all Jewish women, but that he should either mark on his profile that he isn’t Jewish and willing to convert or, better yet, go to a non-religious dating website.

Since then I have heard endless accounts from people whom have met non-Jews via JDate and most are baffled by the predicament. Isn’t there enough chance of a Jew meeting a non-Jew during normal day-to-day life? I don’t love it, but as long as they are checking off the appropriate categories so people aren’t being deceived and know the full story and what they are getting into then I think it’s harmless. As long as everyone is being honest then it’s up to you to decide if you want to send an email or reply to an email from someone who isn’t Jewish on JDate.


JDate Cool Factor

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

I was sitting at a dinner party the other night when word got around that I write about dating.  Suddenly all of the hostess’ girlfriends wanted advice from me, who they now called the “Jewish Carrie Bradshaw.” Flattered, I felt an obligation to try and help these single women in their early 20’s. As an “older” woman (nearly 30… they probably considered me ancient), I had an obligation to impart some wisdom.

My first question: “are you on JDate?” elicited one unusual response:  a guttural sound emanated from Danielle’s throat while her face distorted into a look of disgust.  While the corners of her lips turned down with her upper lip peaked into a snarl, her eyes became slits and her jaw tensed up. She finally recovered from her bout with repulsion and simply said, “ew.” And I could tell she was starting to doubt her opinion of me as the cool, older sister-type.

As for me, I couldn’t help but start laughing.  I remembered I used to think the same way when I was her age. But still I eventually did sign up for a JDate membership where I found dozens upon dozens of eligible bachelors and was happily surprised to know I was in good (and good-looking) company.

I told Danielle that I too had preconceived notions about JDate, but found it to be a place where ALL Jews go to look for their beshert.  By signing up on JDate, there would be hundreds of thousands of single Jewish men from around the world literally at her fingertips. She could narrow them down at her behest, whether by area, age, or however her critical heart desires.

As the JDate conversation continued most of the other people at the dinner party, guys and gals alike, all proudly stated that they too were on JDate. Danielle quickly became the odd woman out and I could tell she was even excited to sign up. She had discovered that JDate is not the place where desperate people go but rather where the “cool” people are.

*all names have been changed


Flattered and Frustrated

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,JFacts,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

In the past I feel like I always took JDate too seriously.  I now have a more laidback approach and find it to be a lot more fun and challenging. I have had a lot of pursuers, but I haven’t found anyone that I am interested in. When I thought I found the “man of my dreams,” he didn’t respond to any of my e-mails! He sent me a Mother’s Day eCard but hasn’t responded to my subsequent emails. On occasion he will view my profile, but no message. What’s up with that? I don’t get it! Why are they there if they show interest and don’t respond? Please explain.

Dear Flattered and Frustrated,

I remember that high you get when you check “who’s viewed me” and see the hot guy you’ve been keeping tabs on. And I remember how quickly that high dissipates when you realize all he’s done once again is view you and not contact you. And then my paid membership ran out and before I renewed I realized the constraints that a free membership places on JDaters®. It sounds like this guy could have a free membership, which means he can’t write emails or read the emails in his inbox and he can’t send instant messages although he can receive and respond to them. He can, though, send eCards, Flirts, Hot List and view you to his heart’s desire. That means if he’s interested in you, he will keep viewing your profile until you contact him in a way that he can respond to. In other words, you’re going to have to cyber stalk him until you are both signed on at the same time so you can send him an IM. And what that means is that you have to put your pride on the line one more time. If the IM doesn’t get you anywhere, then it’s time to cut your losses and move on, because he is obviously not the man you thought he was. Good luck!