Dear Gems from Jen,

Background:  Briefly, met a nice girl online and we began dating during the first part of the year. I live in Connecticut, she lives in NYC. We had much to talk about and enjoyed each other’s company on our meetings.  Soon, I was staying over on weekends.  She took me out on my birthday; I took her out of NYC for Valentine’s Day.  We went to shows, comedy events, concerts, etc.  We never had a cross word, disagreement or argument. Suddenly, just a few days ago, she refuses to talk to me anymore – stone cold. We were on our second month. Nothing was ever spoken directly of being exclusive or anything like that. I think it was still a little early.

So what happened?  Why did she cast me off? Is there anything I can do?  I really liked this woman and did whatever I could to make our time together great.

Signed,

Lost and Broken

Dear Lost and Broken,

I am so sorry to hear about this. I do know from my own experience how difficult this can be to make sense of. I wish I knew what happened and her reasons behind not speaking to you any longer. I am not going to try and guess what her motivations are, but rather I am going to do my best to look at this from another perspective.

Even though this is probably going to be difficult to read and put into practice, please try. Look at it this way; she is a coward. Obviously something happened and she does not have the courage to explain it to you. Consider yourself lucky. Do you want to be with someone who runs and hides? Do you want to be with someone who does not have a clue about communication?  Do you want to be with someone who has the capacity to throw people away? I know I sure wouldn’t. I do understand that you need closure, but give yourself the closure. Make the decision to move forward without her. If she does get in touch, keep in mind these questions I have asked you. If she can do it once, she can do it twice. Give yourself some time to mourn the loss, but don’t dwell on it. It sounds like you are a great catch and there are many women on JDate who would be very grateful to meet someone like you.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

I am a shy person, but break out of my shell once I get to know someone.  What would be your best advice to help me break out of my shell from the beginning?  I am not the best talker.  I’m more of a listener, but it’s hard with online dating because at first it’s more about talking than listening.  What could you recommend that could help me talk more at first?

Thanks,

Brian

Dear Brian,

The nice part about JDate is you don’t have to talk until you are ready. Begin with emails and think about what it is you want to say to the person you are interested in getting to know better. Writing allows us to take our time and we don’t have to think on our feet.  It is a great way to get to know someone and allow others to get to know us without having to be too outgoing. Spend some time emailing before you make the decision to speak on the phone. This way, you will feel more at ease when the time comes to speak.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

I was talking with this girl on JDate about a week ago and we were both excited for meeting up this coming Saturday night.  I have not heard from her since we first talked last week.  What would you recommend doing?  And if there was something that I could have done differently what would you suggest?

Thanks.

Dear Communication,

I know it may seem old fashioned, but a lot of us women like the man to do the calling. It may not be the way things “should” be, but nonetheless, it is the way things are a lot of the time. Go ahead and give her a call.  Finalize the plans, e.g.; where you are going, how you both are getting there, time, and anything else pertinent to the date.  From what you have told me thus far, there does not seem to be anything you could have done differently. Have a good time on the date and I hope things go well for the both of you!

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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There are times in life when being single has its advantages. For example, spending as much time as you want with friends, watching what you want to watch on television without any complaints, or eating a Lean Cuisine for dinner and not having to worry about what your other half may want for dinner.
There are also disadvantages. I’m sure many of us tend to think of those more than we do about the advantages. However, there are some self-soothing techniques that can help us all whether we are single or not.

• Go for a walk and enjoy the scenery
• Pet a cute furry animal
• Lie on the couch and do nothing
• Get a massage
• Call a friend
• Listen to music
• Meditate
• Do something for someone less fortunate than yourself
• Peruse JDate and look at all of the wonderful people that await

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Dear Gems from Jen,

I met a great guy two months ago. We communicate a few times every day and have seen each other nearly every week. We were intimate in the beginning, but now he says he wants to slow it down. We make plans and still continue to communicate just like before. We always have a great time together. He says he is being cautious because he has been burned a few times. He is still online, but says he isn’t dating. I don’t know what to believe. I feel like we are in a relationship, but he is just scared.
 
I can’t figure out what he is telling me because his signals are so mixed.

Dear Slowing Down,

It sounds to me as if his signals are not confused. He told you he wanted to slow down, at least the intimate part and from what I can tell from your writing, it did slow down. Do you mean he still has a profile posted on JDate when you say he is still online? If the two of you have agreed to be exclusive and he still has a profile there is obviously a problem. If exclusivity has not been discussed then there is nothing wrong with him continuing to stay active on JDate.

My suggestion is to really hear what it is he is saying to you, not what it is you want to hear. It sounds like he does like you, but he wants to be cautious. Heed his warning; do not push him into anything he is not ready for. When someone wants to take things slowly there are usually reasons and moving too quickly tends to do more damage than good. It appears as if the two of you have something good here, take your time and don’t over think this. Enjoy his company and don’t rush things.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

I am very confused. I went out on three dates with this guy and it seemed like he really liked me and we hit it off. After the third date, suddenly, he stopped contacting me. What’s going on? I’m so confused!

Dear Three Dates,

I can certainly understand your confusion. I really do wish I had a direct answer for you, I’m afraid I don’t however. It sounds to me as if it is his loss not yours. I really do not believe there is any type of valid excuse for this type of behavior. I do understand things come up, emergencies may have arisen, however a quick phone call is not too much to ask in my opinion. My suggestion would be to let this guy go and focus on what it is you really want from the people you meet on JDate. There are plenty of guys out there who are ready and willing to not send confusing messages. Waiting around for someone to call is no fun. Make the decision to enjoy yourself during this process and don’t wait around for anyone.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

I am a 31-year-old female who’s super new to the JDating scene and the dating scene in general (just got out of a long term relationship).  I was lucky enough to find someone right away who I really seem to click with and we have exchanged a few emails back and forth.  I think I would like to actually meet this person, but am not sure how to take things to the next level.  Is it ok for me to offer my phone number or suggest meeting up or should I be waiting for him to make all the first moves?  (This guy seems great and I don’t want to scare him off.)

Dear JDating Etiquette,

I’m not so sure there is a “right” answer here. If the two of you are clicking, I do not see anything wrong with giving your phone number as long as you feel safe and comfortable doing so. I do believe meeting in person should be a natural progression. Once you have had a few phone calls with this guy and if you are still feeling a connection, suggesting a face-to-face meeting seems totally appropriate.

I do understand not wanting to scare him off by being too forward and/or direct. Most of us women are taught from a very early age to allow the man to be the pursuer. I am not saying this is either right or wrong; it is just something we learn from an early age. However, I do believe if there is something you want, then go for it. My suggestion would be to feel this guy out and take it from there. See if he is giving you cues that he would like to talk on the phone and/or meet in person. He might be shy or scared of rejection. My best guess is if he is continuing to engage you through email he is interested.  Trust your instincts and enjoy the connection you seem to have made!

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

As opposed to the time it takes meeting people in person and deciding if there is something to continue with, I am finding that I am quickly and easily making connections on JDate. Now I’m feeling live I have too many interactions going on at once.

Any recommendations? Would you recommend that I make a few connections, see where those all go, and if needed, start all over again?

Dear Too Many Connections,

Some of us have all the luck! There are many JDaters out there who I’m sure would love to be in your predicament. In all seriousness however, my best suggestion is to go through all of your connections again.  See whom you are truly connecting with. What are you basing these connections on? For example, are these connections based on looks, personality, education level, things the two of you have in common, etc.? Dwindle some of the people down if you are feeling overwhelmed.  I wouldn’t start all over, just perhaps, get more realistic. It sounds like you are having some luck with the early stages of corresponding, so instead of worrying about it have some fun. Enjoy the experience. Dating does not have to be serious all of the time.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

Someone I just met wants me to email him at an address that he gave to me. How can I do that without him knowing my email? Is this the right thing to do or should I continue writing to him through JDate?

Thank you,
Sandy

Dear Sandy,

There are ways to get around using your regular email address; however, I don’t see the purpose. If you are not comfortable corresponding through regular email then only correspond through JDate until you feel ready. There is no rule when it comes to the amount of time one should keep his/her anonymity. It really boils down to when you feel safe enough to share personal information. Until that time, stick to using JDate for all communication and don’t let anyone push you into something you are uncomfortable doing.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

I was chatting with a guy online for at least a couple of hours the other night, and we decided to meet up the next night. The next evening we spoke about where we were going to meet. After his shower he called back only to say he had to cancel due to a family dinner. I said that was fine, things like this happen. I was just slightly disappointed, but definitely wanted to see him another time. He called back three minutes later and said he could get out of the dinner if I still wanted to go out, I felt bad and guilty at that point so I said not to worry about it. Then I get this long text explaining the situation, which I already understood. The next morning I found I had been de-friended by him on Facebook. Why go through all of the effort? Did my not wanting to go out after he said he could cancel, deter him? I mean he had to have known I was going to be upset that he was canceling, right? I’m confused. Did I give off the wrong vibe after the cancellation? Should I call or text him to see what was up? Could he just not be interested, even after all of the effort?

Dear Cancelled Date,

It sounds to me as if he is confused, not you. He made a date with you, cancelled the date, tried to get the date going again, texted you to further explain his situation, and then de-friended you on Facebook. I believe you were reasonable, especially after he cancelled the date, only to reschedule it three minutes later.  I’m not sure why you would even question if he was interested. It sounds as if you need to become disinterested in this guy. He would in all probability make you nuts. Can you imagine what it would be like a few months down the line if he treated you in this manner before your first date? My suggestion would be to not have any further contact with him, don’t call him, text, write, friend request, etc.  There are so many great guys on JDate waiting for someone like you; understanding and patient. Make time for these guys and forget about the ones that keep you on the roller coaster!

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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