There are so many potential matches on JDate, how can one know when the right person comes along? Here are a few tips to help find the answer:
• Do we share common morals and values?
• Do I feel safe with this person?
• Am I comfortable expressing my feelings?
• How does my partner treat other people?
• Is there something about the other person that I hope to change?
• Do I still have feelings for an ex?
• What do I really want from this relationship?
• Why do I want to be in this relationship?
• Do I respect and like my partner?
• Do the two of us laugh when we’re together?
• Do I enjoy my time with this person?
• Do we have the same work ethic?
• How does this person treat his/her family?
• Do I trust this person?
• Do we have at least a few things in common?
• Can we have a respectful argument where neither of us puts the other one down?
• Can we have an intelligent debate without it turning into war?
• Am I attracted to this person? Physically, mentally and as a person in general?
• Do I look forward to spending time with this person?
• Does this person have generally the same future goals as me? For example; future children.
• Lastly, can I close my eyes and imagine being with this person years from now?

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Last night, JDate co-hosted a wine tasting event for 30s to 40s age ranges at the 92nd Street Y.  I thought the concept, though not new, was sophisticated and fun.  I was particularly drawn to the red wines, Montepulciano in particular. What does that say? I guess wine in some aspects are like men, many varieties.  I like mine well rounded in personality though fit and toned, understated, mature yet with hints of spice, and undertones of genius and great character. Though I chatted it up with a few people and took some sips, I continue my search for that perfect blend.

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Dear Gems from Jen,

Riding a bike. It’s been nine years and I thought I was finally going to be off this site forever.  He was a real charmer, gave great lip service and I was a fool to let him slide when his words didn’t match his actions..  I guess it’s easy when you’re told what you want to hear, “You’re 99% perfect for me” and “The right one.” I wanted a stable situation and long-term happiness, one where I wasn’t one isn’t “all that” in the morning and “too needy” by nightfall.
I fell into another abusive relationship, I started having  doubts in February…He broke my heart.
I tell myself this time it’s over for good.  I’m even back on JDate, yet my heart still wants to be with him because I know all the good there is in him (his past wounds are still too much for him to conquer).
What’s wrong with me?  Why would I hang onto a man who is probably nothing more than a bad drug addiction.
I know each day it’ll get better.  Just how is it that an intelligent girl (as I am) can be such a fool when it comes to men?

Really down right now.

Dear Bike Rider,

Sometimes our fantasies outweigh our realities. I know how difficult this can be.  Our minds keep playing over and over the good qualities and we tend to block out the negative qualities. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not a fool; you are human and just let the wrong guy in.  I don’t know anyone who hasn’t had this experience.  You fell into a trap that many of us have fallen into. When someone seems too good to be true, they usually are. Charm and seduction are hard qualities to let go of. Sometimes it is better to be ruled by our heads rather than our hearts. It sounds as if you know what is best for you and it is not this guy.  Give yourself time to learn the lessons you need to learn from this relationship. It’s alright to feel the way you are feeling.  Take comfort in knowing it will not be like this forever. Sometimes we have to experience the bad to recognize the good, so when the right person does come along we are ready and grateful.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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What a week! I was so busy this week that it got me thinking. How in the world can I find a meaningful relationship while earning a living and partaking in the necessities of life? I have repeated this question over and over while answering readers’ questions, because I think it bears repeating, if for no one else but myself. JDate is a great way to assist those of us who are looking for a relationship. I need to remind myself that dating takes time and energy. I am re-committing myself to daily use.  I will put aside 15 minutes a day to look at profiles, respond to emails, send out Flirts and respond to anyone who has messaged me. My daily routine will include JDate. If I am serious about this, which I am, I know this needs to be done.  Thank G-d for JDate or I don’t think I would ever have another date again!

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Dear Gems from Jen,

A while ago, I received the most wonderful Flirt from an American guy. Unfortunately, I pointed out that I’m in Australia (Sydney) and I never got a reply to my message.  How and what do I say in a message to get him to reply to me? He’s probably married by now, but I would like to connect with him.

Dear Distance,

Responding to Flirts is part of the fun when using JDate; however, connecting with someone who lives across the globe can be incredibly difficult. Once this guy realized you lived across an ocean my best guess is he went back to his search.

With that said, go ahead and message him again.  You have nothing to lose. At the very least the two of you could become email friends. Let him know you found him interesting and you realize there is a great distance between the two of you, but you would be curious to find out more. If he does not respond then keep on searching. Your best bet is to look at profiles in your geographical area if you are serious about entering into a long-term relationship.  Good luck and keep me posted.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

Honestly, I find the blind online dating thing to be a little bit overwhelming. Normally, when you meet someone with whom you want to go out with, you come to that decision after a series of meetings, but on JDate the process is much more accelerated.

Each time that I’ve gone out on a date it’s been with a woman who I corresponded with over a few e-mails and who I find attractive from our e-mails and her photos. Each time, the conversation is good – smiling, laughing, no awkward silences – but the end is a bit of mystery. I hardly know the woman, but I want to see her again. If this were someone who I finally asked out after a period of getting to know her, I would definitely kiss her. But in this situation – where we’ve logged only two hours of face time together – I’m a bit perplexed. Do I kiss her? Do we hug? Do I make plans to get together again?

Is this a common reaction to first dates from other JDaters? What do I do? Thanks.

Dear First Date Confusion,

I definitely understand your confusion! Online dating is not the same as meeting in the outside world.  However, things can and do progress naturally if the two people involved allow it to. It sounds as if your dates aren’t lasting long enough. Try having dates that last an entire evening. This way you can be sure if you are truly interested.
If you want to see someone again why not just ask her? Kissing and/or hugging at the end of a first date, whether it happens from a JDate meeting or an outside meeting is up to each person and how he/she is feeling. How would you handle it if you met without JDate? Go with your gut and make the decision based on how you are feeling. Don’t rush things, and let what happens come naturally. Think of it this way; meeting online can be a rushed process, but use the first date as just that, a first date.

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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I received an email from a guy who was really good-looking. I was so flattered and couldn’t wait to read what he had written. Oh the horror! This man’s grammar left me feeling as if I was reading a foreign language. I responded with ‘Thanks for the email, but I’m not interested.’ This got me thinking.  How important is grammar when utilizing JDate? In my opinion, it is very important.  Don’t get me wrong, the occasional LOL, haha and ellipses are cute, but bad grammar is just a complete turn off.  I want to know I’m dealing with someone who has a brain. Is that too much to ask? My advice, spell check, use the proper to, too, or two.  Nothing is worse than using your instead of you’re, or their instead of there. Please JDaters, do some quick editing before making connections.  You never know, it might be just the thing that will land you the date!

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Dear Gems from Jen,
Here is my profile description — it’s not getting a flood of responses.  Can you tell me why or what to do to improve it?
_______________
I am a Jewish secular humanist who believes in a human-driven ethical code, rather than in any kind of deity. Still believe in peace and love and working for a more just and humane society. Empathy, humility and kindness are most important to me when considering a potential partner. I am drawn to the arts, particularly music and painting, and I love to read in my spare time, especially poetry and history. I seek a compatible partner — must be politically progressive (e.g., liberal democrat — I am a big fan of Bernie Sanders but you don’t have to be). Basically, I am looking for someone who is in some way an activist — someone who has compassion for the struggles of the poor and disenfranchised. Basically seeking an educated, humane, giving person who is a reader, a thinker, and someone with a compatible world view.

Dear Secular Humanist,

I really enjoyed reading your profile description.  It sounds like you are passionate about your beliefs and look for the good in all. I think your profile does a great job of describing who you are. Perhaps you could add some specifics about what it is you can offer to a relationship.  Your profile definitely states who you are and what you are passionate about, but it lacks what you can offer to a potential romantic partner. Specifically, what it is you can give one on one, not to the entire world.  How do you stand out in terms of a partner from the next profile? Consider adding some of these specifics to your JDate profile and see what happens.

Have you emailed or Flirted with people on JDate that interest you? Spend a few minutes a day looking at profiles and reach out to those who spark your interest.  Remember, everyone has their preferences and just because you are not getting a flood of responses does not mean that there is anything wrong with your profile.

 Signed,
 Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,
I am very new at this and very nervous.  I too send out Flirts and emails and get one response and that’s it.  Any suggestions on “spicing” up my profile?  I am simple and down to earth.  A true romantic and don’t seem to be able to keep anyone interested.  Is it normal to always chat and never meet face to face?  Thanks

Dear New And Nervous,
Everyone’s experience on JDate is unique. I’m not so sure there is a “norm” that applies to any one person using the site. My best suggestion is to make sure your profile really, truly describes who you are and the qualities you are searching for.  Make sure your pictures are up to date and really portray what you are all about. For instance, if you state in your profile that cooking is a favorite activity, make certain to use a picture that shows you cooking and having a great time doing it. When describing the qualities you are searching for be specific, but allow room for compromise.  Only pick a small number of qualities that you are unwilling to compromise on. It has been my experience that no one will meet every criterion so make sure you are not too specific. Keep sending Flirts and emails.  Devote some time to this process and don’t expect immediate results. Good things tend to be worth the wait!
Signed,
Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

I have been dating this guy for about six weeks and we met through JDate.  Things seem to be going well and recently he has started going back on JDate every couple of days.  What does this mean? Is he looking elsewhere or is he just a JDate junkie?

 Dear JDate Junkie,

Have the two of you spoken about the nature of your relationship?  Are you exclusive? Has it been discussed whether or not either of you can still utilize the site? You stated that you want to know what this means, but I guess my first question is, ‘What are you doing on JDate if you are worried about him being on JDate?’  Are you still looking at profiles or are you keeping tabs on him?

 My suggestion is to have a candid discussion with this guy.  Find out where his head is at. Communicate regarding the ground rules of your relationship.  If there is no exclusivity then there is nothing wrong with being on JDate. If the two of you decide to begin a relationship that is exclusive then being on JDate would be a no-no. Until then, there is nothing wrong with either of you using the site to continue with your searches.

 Signed,
 Gems from Jen

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