Time

by JeremySpoke under Entertainment,Success Stories

Have you ever tried to stop and think during the day just to collect your thoughts? I found myself staring at a wall clock today, thinking how slowly that minute hand was moving. The next thing I knew, it was two hours later and the lights were off.

The phrase ‘there’s not enough hours in the day’ is, in my opinion, stupid. I mean, poeople created the parameters of the hour, right? So they can change the definition of ‘hour’ to mean that hour can be however long or short they want it to be. For instance, they could make that hour fifteen minutes long; then the average person would be able to get around 28 hours of sleep a night! Do you have any idea how refreshed and productive our society would be after 28 hours of sleep every night? I would be so happy.

However, the hell spawns that decided to make an hour 60 minutes long have really limited the abilities of humanity. No matter what you do during the day, you are restricted to 24 hours — 7 of which are spent sleeping, .75 in the restroom, 1 in the car, 1 watching television, .25 walking somewhere, 2 surfing the internet, 1 reading, 2 eating, 1.5 talking on the phone, 2 texting, 3 worrying, and the final 3 are spent thinking about things you’d rather be doing. This leaves you with only a half hour of time to actually do anything that at all matters (or maybe that’s just me).

A highlight reel of my day would be about three seconds long and would include a clip of me laughing, eating, and then sleeping. That is, during the work week. During the weekend, it would be much longer and show me sleeping for half of the day and then hopefully seeing my┬álady friend┬áduring the second half. This highlight would happen in real time. There’s nothing on the weekend I would want to skip over. Except for the shaving. I hate shaving. So much.

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Wailing Betrayals

by JeremySpoke under Date Night,Single Life

If you are only friends with females, and you are not a female, that is very weird. I am just now today learning this. Though I have a lot of male friends, most of them don’t live in the same city as me because I moved back after college. Therefore, most of my friends here are not male. That explanation really does not explain why I have a lot of female friends. It only explains why I don’t have a lot of male friends. I think I attract female friends because I am a giant woman. By giant, in no way do I mean I am a tall or heavy female! What I mean is I’m one of those guys who is too sensitive and nonthreatening and stuff. You know? I always apologize for things and don’t mind going to any movie, even if it has Kate Hudson and isn’t Almost Famous. However, not even I was able to force myself to go see Bride Wars.

Anyway, I have been dating a girl for about a month and everything is going great. However, she mentioned early on that she was a little trepidatious about my closeness with other females. Is it not normal to go to dinner and a movie with a person of the opposite sex if you are not dating them? It’s not? See, I am still learning the rules. Apparently, it’s not. No, apparently, that is the strict definition of ‘date’. That actually explains the time that married woman refused to go to a friendly dinner and a movie with me.