We all like to say that we don’t care what other people think about us, but when tested you’ll soon find that you’re not immune to being affected by what others say. In dating, this can have a huge effect on your psyche and self-esteem. When you walk into a bar, event or schmoozer everyone is going to look to see who came through the door. And then they’re going to judge you. They will judge you for being beautiful, for being confident, for being sexy, for all the negative opposites, but most importantly they’re going to judge you for taking attention away from them and for being competition.
Try to not let negativity get to you when you’re at a singles event because it won’t help. That said, try not to make negative judgments either. A hater is the worst. Such a turn-off. Do you know what an attractive quality is in someone? Someone who can acknowledge a positive in their competition, be it their looks, personality or outfit.
First dates are a lot like job interviews, except the asking of the questions SHOULD go in both directions. Sometimes we’re so nervous and scared of the awkward silence that we fire off question after question. If you find yourself doing all the asking, make sure you’re giving your date enough time to ask you a question in return. And if you’re doing all the answering, than make sure you stop your date and let them know that you’d like to ask them questions and get to know them as well.
But what’s worse is when someone asks questions that sound like judgments instead. You know your date is looking for a specific answer and will judge you if you say the wrong thing. Such as: “It took you how long to graduate from college?” or “You eat shellfish/pork?” or “You like gangsta rap?” or the worst “Why are you still single?” these questions are worded in a way which sets you up for failure. Obviously this reflects worse on the interviewer than the interviewee (and you probably don’t want to date someone so judgmental anyways), but it doesn’t feel good when you know your date disapproves. There’s absolutely nothing you can do to change them, but you can do a few things for yourself: don’t take it personally and make sure you don’t ask questions in that manner yourself.
In dating, you have to have a short-term memory in order to forget about the disappointments. A long-term memory will only hinder you from taking chances. You can’t remember the hurt. Get over it and proceed full steam ahead. You can’t believe rumors, care about past relationships, or harbor ill will towards people who didn’t do anything directly to you. All’s fair in love and war. I was reminded of that line when I ran into an acquaintance who used to date one of my girlfriends. A year and a half later, and I believe that they’re both fair game for any mutual friends. Another friend was going to be set-up on a blind date but heard something vaguely negative about the guy through a friend, so ixnayed him before even meeting him. We need to all cut each other some slack and stop sweating the small stuff. You never know who your Beshert is going to be, so don’t judge until you’ve actually given him or her a chance.
The “Halo Effect” is a term coined by scientists to explain that when something looks good on the surface we tend to broaden the scope of that positive judgment to include other characteristics. The Halo Effect is incredibly prevalent in dating. It works like this: We see someone we’re attracted to and therefore believe them to be just as great on the inside as they are on the outside. Oftentimes, we subconsciously convince ourselves the other person must be an all-around great guy or gal simply because they have thick hair, shining eyes and a bright smile. Con-artists also tend to have those physical characteristics which is why they are successful at getting people to trust them. In the dating world, we call con-artists “players,” or people who know others are falling hard for them and don’t feel the same way yet still choose to play with their hearts and minds until they’re tired of the game and move on to the next victim. They know they can reel someone in and do so just for the fun of it. The Halo Effect in dating doesn’t always mean the guy or gal is a player; iit could be you’re then blindsided by their good looks and aren’t willing to admit to their faults.
Time and time again we pass judgment on people before getting to know them – whether good, bad or indifferent – and sometimes we get hurt in the time it takes to correct our initial opinion. Not all good looking people are jerks and not all average (or less than average) people are perfect citizens, we simply have to take the time to get to know someone and stop making snap judgments.