The Incomplete Eclipse Of The Heart

by Kelly under Relationships

They say that age is just a number. Well, whoever “they” is has clearly not been on many dates. There was a time when I was really frustrated dating guys in their 20s. None of them seem to have the attention span to keep a girlfriend. So I decided to give dating older guys a shot. And then I realized that they were just a little too old for me, a little too figured out. I would hear myself complain about it and I sounded like the Goldilocks of men’s ages. This one’s too old. This one’s too young. Does anyone have markers so I can make a sign saying, “Wanted: JUST RIGHT”?

I’ve even developed a test to measure a guy’s age to his maturity level. It started when I was on a sixth date with someone who was almost 9 years older than me. I liked everything about him. He was nice, smart, hard working, and our families had a lot in common, but I couldn’t put my finger on one thing. What did he do for fun? I finally asked him this very question and he without missing a beat goes, “I don’t really know.” How does a person not know what they do for fun? Seriously. And then I asked THE question. The most important question for me to determine just how much one can let loose, not give a damn, and just enjoy life.

Me: Okay… but when was the last time you had like a fun drunk karaoke night?
Him: (long, long pause) 1998.
Me: That was the last time you really had fun like that?
Him: (shrug) Yeah.

Do I even need to tell you that this was the last date? It wasn’t the karaoke thing that was the deal-breaker. It was the fact that it had been 14 years(!) since he had a let-your-hair-down-Facebook-picture-worthy night. FOURTEEN years! Titanic was still in theaters the last time he had fun. Britney Spears was still a virgin. There was no such thing as an iPhone. I had a Tama-freakin-gatchi. I mean, this was a long, long time ago. When was my last fun drunk karaoke night? Two weeks ago to the day. But I have fun nights where I find myself smiling as if I have a hanger stuck in my mouth pretty often. And that’s a requirement for any guy I date. I instantly knew it was time to reel in the gap and date guys closer to my own age, even if they might not be as ready for a relationship as I am. I want to find someone to grow up with, not grow into. That poor guy though. He will never know that he was just one Livin’ On a Prayer away from a Total Eclipse of The Heart.

Things To Do During Karaoke To Make Yourself Look Cool

by JeremySpoke under Entertainment,Single Life


Sit in the back and do not say a word until you leave the karaoke bar.

Keep ordering and drinking beers with your friends until you are completely confident that you are the best singer in the place. Don’t worry about the 60-year-old woman’s hauntingly beautiful rendition of Sarah McLachlan’s Angel. You could totally destroy that crap with your version of Limp Bizkit’s Nookie.

After killing it, you walk off the stage like you own the place. You mistake people’s polite ‘please leave the building’ smiles for silent ‘your version of Limp Bizkit has restored my faith in humanity’ smiles. You assume that the cute waitress is now ignoring you because she is so nervous and no longer knows how to say, “Beer?”

You drunkenly text a girl you went out on a date once. She has to hear you sing Metallica tonight. I learned a good tip the next day. If you do send a drunken text to a girl, do not include the word Metallica. If you’re going to piss her off, at least have the decency to include some sort of good music. For example, a drunken text that simply reads the Beatles’ probably can’t hurt much. “The Beatles,” she’ll think. “They’re pretty good. I should probably go out with this guy again.”

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