Baby Relationships

by JeremySpoke under Relationships

When assessing the components of a healthy relationship, one should look back to your earliest relationships in life. As a faculty member at an elementary school, I can see my early relationships staring me in the face every day. Asking me to tie their shoes and crying. Do you have any idea how often kindergarteners need their shoes tied? If you already know the answer, then you probably don’t work at an elementary school.

Despite the flawed logic of my past two sentences, I am going to compare things now. At the age of five, people don’t generally know concepts such as humility, embarrassment, or shame. For example, when a young person’s nose starts to run profusely, instead of getting a tissue, they let it run until their face is an indiscernible green mess and then they start crying and then they poop their pants. It always occurs in that order. Always.

Young children pretty much let it all hang out in all situations. They tend to gravitate to people they like and don’t care about anything else. There are no cliques, and I think that is the reason. The only reason that people join cliques is because they feel insecure about a variety of things. Five-year-olds don’t know anything, and insecurity is something. I think if a five-year-old befriended somebody of the opposite sex, they should just stay with that person forever. If that is not possible, then they should somehow reconnect with the other person later in life. They originally befriended each other without clogging their minds with superficialities. Of course, the real world application of this theory is probably not possible. Therefore, JDate is the next best thing.

My First Day of Kindergarten

by JeremySpoke under Relationships

If you ever feel that you are the odd one out at your place of work, consider this: You might feel awkward, but before you pre-diagnose yourself the black sheep, remember that no matter how awkward you feel the first day of work, it is nowhere near what I felt as a teaching assistant on the first day of kindergarten in an inner-city school.

Work technically started last week, but I didn’t really get a good taste of awkward until Monday (yesterday), when the children arrived. As I am not accustomed to areas not conditioned by air, it only got worse as the children flooded in. I found myself standing in a sea of very tiny children, dripping in sweat, simultaneously trying to tell the kids where to go and also trying to not die of dehydration. The next part of the day took place in the actual classroom, and it was air conditioned, thank my Jewish deity. However, I was still so overcome by the heat that my sweat continuously dripped onto the poor children until the next hour, when I had enough time to change clothes.

Then came lunch. Of course, I didn’t get to eat until after the children did. While manning the lunchroom, I quickly discovered the reason why America is obese. The answer lies somewhere in the giant hot dog, bowl of melted cheese sprinkled with broccoli, chocolate milk, and ice cream sundae for dessert. Though I would usually not be tempted by public school lunches, I had yet to eat my own lunch. Those under-cooked hot dogs lying in a stale bun, overcome with ketchup, was maybe the most delicious looking thing I had seen since I saw the school’s breakfast, which I will not disgust you by describing. I will only say that it involved sausage, cheese, and scrambled eggs mixed together in a way nothing should ever be mixed.

Though it’s only been one day, I have a new respect for teachers and really anyone who works in schools. I’d say about 67% of the women on this site that I date are teachers and I now think of them in a whole new way. It is not a cushy job and it requires all of your attention all of the time. The least I can do is show a little attention myself.

So now I’m back home from my first day of kindergarten. I will never again take clean sheets for granted again.