This past weekend I had the privilege of being “On the Couch” with Dr. Dorree Lynn for a lengthy radio interview to both promote my book How to Woo a Jew and to discuss matchmaking. Eventually, the conversation turned to sex, as such chats tend to do with a psychologist and sexpert for the post-50 crowd, and Dr. Dorree mentioned the increasing rate of sexually transmitted diseases for the older crowd.
STD rates are on the rise for the 50+ age group because people tend to think that condoms are only for preventing pregnancy, which they no longer need to think about. But apparently many of these mature adults are fun, frisky and, inadvertently, passing around diseases. I chuckle, not because this isn’t a very serious topic (because it is!), but rather I laugh because it makes me so happy to hear about grandparents getting it on! Keep your sex lives active! It’s healthy for your mind, spirit and body… when you add condoms to the equation.
I’m also encouraged by the sheer number of singles in the second half of their lives on JDate! Life is not over at 50, or if you’re widowed, or if you’re divorced after many years! Get on JDate, meet other singles, and have lots of SAFE sex!
What Would Jew Do?
So you’ve had The Talk and you may have even had The Test and now you’re being asked to do The Wait. It’s been weeks, perhaps months, you are in a committed relationship, you have proven yourself to be “healthy” and yet you still haven’t, shall we say, sealed the deal…. what’s a Jew to do? If you really like your significant other and see a future, then wait it out. It won’t be much longer. Better to show respect and continue getting to know each other without sex getting in the way, then to rush things to the point where you can’t distinguish why you do or don’t like someone. Plus, there are tons of other fun stuff to partake in the meantime (stuff that often gets pushed to the wayside once you do round home plate).
What Would Jew Do?
After many successful dates with a JDate prospect you have decided to have “The Talk” and to take the next step into a committed relationship. One of the topics that eventually comes up is sex — safe sex, unprotected sex and getting tested. In this day and age it’s a common and expected conversation to have with a current or future partner as you become more and more serious. Agreeing to get tested without argument is the best answer when being asked to do so- it shows you have nothing to hide. If you do have something to reveal then it is best to do it now while you’re having the talk and to be upfront and honest because your partner is going to find out eventually… this way it’s up to you to decide how.
It’s been a few weeks and a number of amazing JDates with the same prospect, and you know the time is coming when sex is going to be the next step. You’re excited, you’re apprehensive, you’re kind of freaked out because you really like this person, and you want the sex to be really good. And now you’ve built up these expectations in your mind and will no doubt carry those expectations into the bedroom and set yourself up for failure.
Sex the first time is seldom “uhhhh-mazing,” but it can get better… and better… and even better. Don’t judge a partner by the first time, give the sex and the relationship time to grow. Once you’ve done it the first time, then the pressure is off and you can relax and enjoy yourselves. So don’t end what could be a good thing because the first time was just “okay.” Give the sexual/physical chemistry a chance to catch up with the emotional/mental chemistry!
Whether you follow the inane and archaic “third date rule” of having sex or follow your own path (be it having sex on the first night or not for a month, etc.) sex can interfere with common sense. It doesn’t matter if you wait one day or one year, sex will always be a powerful drug. But, having sex too quickly is much more dangerous than having spent any time at all getting to know someone. When the sex is good, when it’s great, when it’s the best sex of your life… you will let other not so good/great/best attributes about your partner slide.
-Sex is phenomenal but he/she has no motivation in life to become anything other than an entry-level employee? Oh, that’s ok, I can live a simple life on a conservative budget. Would you ever accept that otherwise?
-Sex is amazing but he/she is still attached to their umbilical cord and can’t make any life decisions sans parents. Eh, no biggie, now that I’m here he/she will grow up. If they haven’t flown the coop by now, what makes you think you will have any influence?
-Sex is earth-shatteringly good but he/she isn’t Jewish. No problem, I’ll just sacrifice everything I’ve ever wanted because I can live without a Yid for sex like this. What happens when the sex starts to get commonplace?
The longer you wait and the more you get to know someone and build a foundation before having sex, the better. Sometimes people who have sex on a first date live happily ever after and sometimes a simple life is okay and sometimes people cut the cord and sometimes interfaith marriages work… but do you want to rely on “sometimes?” When good sex is the only thing you have in common, common sense ceases to exist.
Appreciate good sex for being just that but don’t kid yourself about turning it into something that it’s not when your partner doesn’t have any of your top preferences or share any of the same values.
I want the women I meet on JDate to know having sex right away isn’t my first concern. However, I don’t know how or when to bring up the subject. Maybe I shouldn’t? Please help!
Dear Sex on the Brain,
Your intentions are really great. Really. But in this case, actions speak louder than words. If you bring it up, your dates will most likely think it’s a “line” and sometimes it may even end up working out that way. But if you truly don’t want to have sex right away then simply treat your dates with respect and your intentions will be evident. Of course, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go in for the kiss at the end of your first date if that’s what you want to do and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hold hands or touch her arm/leg/back if you are compelled to do so. If you don’t make the normal, natural moves then the woman will think that you’re not interested. Don’t put yourself in positions to have to address it — so basically, until you are ready to have sex don’t make-out naked on the bed.
When you’re in a new relationship, there is going to be some fluster and fumble happening along the way as you discover and explore what the other likes. Yes, I’m talking about sex. Not just sex, but kissing, groping, etc. etc. etc. (etc.). Everyone has their preferences – the moves and techniques that turn them on – but none of us are mind-readers.
So rather than rule a prospect out because you don’t like their technique, take action. That is, take the initiative to ask him or her what they like… slow or fast, gentle or rough… and the hope is that your partner will ask you the same question in return. If he or she doesn’t get the hint, take the opportunity to offer your preferences. Just because you had a skill that worked magic on one partner doesn’t mean it will do the same for the next.
And if that doesn’t do the trick, then simply tell your partner to try it the way you like it. Be very obvious in your physical (and verbal) response that you are enjoying yourself. If your partner resorts to their old tricks, then tell them that you really liked it when they did it the other way, therefore making it their idea. And keep repeating this tactic until your partner begins to do it (what IT may be) the way you prefer it without prompting.