Whether you follow the inane and archaic “third date rule” of having sex or follow your own path (be it having sex on the first night or not for a month, etc.) sex can interfere with common sense. It doesn’t matter if you wait one day or one year, sex will always be a powerful drug. But, having sex too quickly is much more dangerous than having spent any time at all getting to know someone. When the sex is good, when it’s great, when it’s the best sex of your life… you will let other not so good/great/best attributes about your partner slide.
-Sex is phenomenal but he/she has no motivation in life to become anything other than an entry-level employee? Oh, that’s ok, I can live a simple life on a conservative budget. Would you ever accept that otherwise?
-Sex is amazing but he/she is still attached to their umbilical cord and can’t make any life decisions sans parents. Eh, no biggie, now that I’m here he/she will grow up. If they haven’t flown the coop by now, what makes you think you will have any influence?
-Sex is earth-shatteringly good but he/she isn’t Jewish. No problem, I’ll just sacrifice everything I’ve ever wanted because I can live without a Yid for sex like this. What happens when the sex starts to get commonplace?
The longer you wait and the more you get to know someone and build a foundation before having sex, the better. Sometimes people who have sex on a first date live happily ever after and sometimes a simple life is okay and sometimes people cut the cord and sometimes interfaith marriages work… but do you want to rely on “sometimes?” When good sex is the only thing you have in common, common sense ceases to exist.
Appreciate good sex for being just that but don’t kid yourself about turning it into something that it’s not when your partner doesn’t have any of your top preferences or share any of the same values.
I want the women I meet on JDate to know having sex right away isn’t my first concern. However, I don’t know how or when to bring up the subject. Maybe I shouldn’t? Please help!
Dear Sex on the Brain,
Your intentions are really great. Really. But in this case, actions speak louder than words. If you bring it up, your dates will most likely think it’s a “line” and sometimes it may even end up working out that way. But if you truly don’t want to have sex right away then simply treat your dates with respect and your intentions will be evident. Of course, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go in for the kiss at the end of your first date if that’s what you want to do and it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hold hands or touch her arm/leg/back if you are compelled to do so. If you don’t make the normal, natural moves then the woman will think that you’re not interested. Don’t put yourself in positions to have to address it — so basically, until you are ready to have sex don’t make-out naked on the bed.
When you’re in a new relationship, there is going to be some fluster and fumble happening along the way as you discover and explore what the other likes. Yes, I’m talking about sex. Not just sex, but kissing, groping, etc. etc. etc. (etc.). Everyone has their preferences – the moves and techniques that turn them on – but none of us are mind-readers.
So rather than rule a prospect out because you don’t like their technique, take action. That is, take the initiative to ask him or her what they like… slow or fast, gentle or rough… and the hope is that your partner will ask you the same question in return. If he or she doesn’t get the hint, take the opportunity to offer your preferences. Just because you had a skill that worked magic on one partner doesn’t mean it will do the same for the next.
And if that doesn’t do the trick, then simply tell your partner to try it the way you like it. Be very obvious in your physical (and verbal) response that you are enjoying yourself. If your partner resorts to their old tricks, then tell them that you really liked it when they did it the other way, therefore making it their idea. And keep repeating this tactic until your partner begins to do it (what IT may be) the way you prefer it without prompting.