I met someone on JDate in another country and actually met him recently when I was in his country on business. We met twice during that trip and since then we’ve kept up a friendly relationship via e-mail. Recently, I tried to learn whether he plans to visit me when he comes to see his family who lives near me or if he thinks our connection could be developed in the future since I’m already planning to immigrate. Thus far he’s only replied that we are friends and he likes to talk but didn’t refer to the future. I would really like to become more serious with him but I’m afraid to push him to answer me about his future wishes but I really want to know if he could be interested in me romantically? I would appreciate your help very much.
Dear Far-Reaching Fling,
I think your beau is probably a little hesitant to commit to someone who currently lives in another country that he’s only met twice even if you are planning on emigrating. Between now and the time you move to his country, stop putting pressure on him to talk about the future and just get to know each other better. You may find you’re no longer interested in him once you get to know him better or you may find that you’re now the “cool, no-pressure chick” he’s excited to spend more time with once you move. And, of course, make sure you’re moving for the right reasons.
I don’t understand why, when someone is looking for a partner they would take an interest in someone five states away! It doesn’t make any sense to me. I hate to outright say no to an IM request but also feel bad about just ignoring it, too. The same goes for someone who sends me an email from another state. How do I respond (or not)?
Dear Long Distance Diss,
I totally understand where you’re coming from. I remember being on JDate and receiving IMs from people in other countries! I mean, really? It’s enough of a compromise to decide to open your area range to neighboring cities 160 miles away, right? The international IMs I would always ignore. Not even worth a second look in my book. But IMs from people 5 states away? Fuggedaboutit! (But click to read their message because they might be preempting with an “I’m moving to your state next week!” message in which case it’s game on!) But IMs from people 2-4 hours away (i.e. within driving distance or a short, cheap flight) should be dealt with on a case-by-case basis and treated just as if the person were in your city. Check their photos, profile, preferences, etc and make the determination then. You never know, it might end up being the best road trip ever! Good Luck!
Dear Gems from Jen,
I’ve been communicating with this guy for a little while now through email, text, and Skype and we both really like each other, but neither one of us have done the long-distance thing. Does it really work?
Dear Long Distance,
I do believe a long distance relationship can work if the two people involved make it work. Keep in mind open and honest communication is imperative when dealing with a long-distance relationship. You need to communicate daily. Each person must set aside time each day to speak with the other person. Texts and emails are usually not enough. I always suggest a phone call at the end of the day. Also, time must be made to see each other on a regular basis. If each person puts in the effort long-distance relationships can be successful. Good luck to you!
Gems from Jen
Over the last several months, I have received quite a few questions concerning long-distance relationships. It can be a great deal of work to maintain a relationship, especially one that has many miles between the two parties, but they can work. Trust is definitely the major component here and, in my opinion, the most important component.
Trust can be established through communication. It is vital that the lines of communication remain open and time is spent communicating. Make sure your partner is your last call of the evening. Take some time each and every day to send a quick email/text message to let the person know you are thinking of him/her. Don’t keep secrets and don’t do anything you wouldn’t do if your partner was standing directly in front of you. I also believe handwritten letters are a lost art. There is nothing like receiving a letter in your “real” mailbox. Put some time aside a few times a month to write letters to your partner.
Make time to see the other person. I realize money might be an issue, but maintaining a relationship does take face-to-face contact. Even if it is only once a month, find the time and money, it is well worth it!
Gems from Jen