Is Idyllic Ideal?

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,Relationships,Single Life

We all have a vision of how we want love to look, unfortunately fantasy and reality rarely measure up. If you think everything will click together beautifully when you meet “The One,” and that you will never fight, and you will have sex every other day, and you will like each other’s families and friends, and you will love the other person every second of every minute of every hour of every day for the rest of your lives… then you will be in for major disappointment.

True love does exist, but that does not mean that it will be easy. In fact, life will probably become more confusing, difficult and crazier because now you are thinking of another person in addition to yourself… and you will possibly (or eventually) be adding even more people into that equation when children enter the picture.

Don’t get stuck on an idea of what love should look like; chances are it will look nothing like that when it happens, but you need to be open to love in any form. If you’re waiting for love to fit into a box that you’ve created based on your vision of ideal love, then be prepared to be alone for a long time.


Above and Beyond

by JeremySpoke under Relationships,Success Stories

Unless you’re already a celebrity or naturally secrete cologne out of your pores, you have to treat dating and relationships like it’s the only thing keeping you from death. Don’t be on time to s***, be an hour early. Don’t buy her a Kit-Kit bar, buy her a King Size Kit-Kat bar.

Whenever you think you’ve gotten her a nice gift, it’s not. Get her more. Always more. You need to have my mindset in that you’re always convinced she’s going to leave you. If not, and you have nothing to fear, you will lose her. Even if you love her, without fear, you have nothing to lose, and this is more scary than anything else. If you’re thinking about her, call her. If you’re not thinking about her, call her. If you’re asleep, call her. Better to by clingy than an asshole.

Of course, if you’re just starting to date someone  it’s probably best to not call all the time. Maybe this is a good time to be a tad more arrogant and to prove your self worth or something. After she realizes how great you are, then you can be a little more modest, and settle down in a comfortable relationship. If you are an asshole, then hide it. Or at least hide it for a little while until the time is right to tell her. You’ll know when the time is. Maybe it’s while somebody cuts you off on the highway and she’s in the passenger’s seat, and she gives you a little nod signifying it’s time to unleash Road Hulk. If she’s comfortable with how much of a jerk you are, then the two of you are truly in love.

Of course, there will come a time when things will settle down, and the spark will fade a little. This is when divorces happen. That’s why you have to keep it up. Make it a routine to show her how much she means to you. Shower her with love, or with showers, because hygiene is important above all else.


The Case For Valentine’s Day as a National Holiday

by Adam under JBloggers,JDate

If you check Twitter, Facebook, your email, a dating site, an adult film store, or your local big box retailer, you’ll find aisles upon aisles dedicated to Valentine’s Day goodness. It’s a big deal, and great for the service industry (as you can take our your misery or happiness on happy hour)!

Why is Valentine’s Day so important? Why is there one day focused on showing affection to your spouse, or picking up another single person at the local “Stoplight” party? Why is Target only selling pink, red and white M&Ms? Did Kobe and Shaq kiss and make up two nights ago so they wouldn’t have to go out together tonight?

Valentine’s Day is a holiday that’s grown in popularity over the past 50 years, and in terms of retail holiness for Jews, might be entering Hanukkah territory (admit it, when have you ever seen a Rosh Hashanah movie on TV?). On a national scale, it ranks up there with Christmas, New Year’s, Halloween, and July 4th as the most Instagrammed holiday of the year… per statistics that I made up.

With this increased importance, is it time for us to replace Columbus Day as a national holiday with Valentine’s Day instead? If someone recently suffered a break up, and their depression is too much to stomach at work, shouldn’t they be granted a Valentine’s Day off to watch timeless romantic classics like Love Actually, When Harry Met Sally and Space Jam? On the other hand, shouldn’t the government grant us an “Intimacy Day” due to the fact that we have a “demographic cliff” problem in the USA, as the birthrate is declining?

Think of the impacts this could have. Singles, married people, and people in all other types of relationships will be able to fully recover from their depression/euphoria/taking a hit to their bank account by having a day off from work and will come in fully rested and ready to work on February 15 — excited that their next day off is President’s Day in just a few days.


Is Casual Sex Becoming A More Common Trend?

by Adam under Date Night,JBloggers,JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

“Having a thousand different ladies is pretty cool, I’ve learned in my life. I’ve (also) found out that having one woman a thousand different times is more satisfying.” – Wilt Chamberlain

For those of you who are not sports fans, Wilt Chamberlain was a Hall of Fame basketball player famous for scoring 100 points in a game on March 2, 1962. He was also famous for his claim that he had sex with over 20,000 women over the course of his adult life.

While none of you are seven foot Hall of Fame centers who star in movies as Conan the Barbarian, have a giant penthouse in Honolulu, or will sleep with what amounted to 1.37 women per day, many of you have engaged in trysts similar to Chamberlain… usually called “casual sex” or “hooking up” or other variations on “sex without emotional attachment”.

Casual sex could come in many forms- from one night stands, to that two date lawyer who became the 2 A.M. make-out, to that friend who goes from your bi-weekly coffee date to a “hey, I’ve got some wine and sushi, wanna come over” text at 7 P.M. on a Wednesday night. It is a millennial dream in some respects: a simple text, a night of intimacy, friendship intact, with no title whatsoever. Convenience.

For some in our generation who are excellent multi-taskers, casual sex can translate into dalliances with multiple men/women, so long as they share the same goals as you. As the marriage age gets older, and society becomes more free in terms of dating and sexual constraints, more and more people, especially young adults, see this option as a feasible alternative until they do decide to marry.

With this in mind, does casual sex tend to change the way you date? Do you learn more about someone through casual sex, than you would by just going on a series of dates? As a 20 or 30- something would you prefer to find the person you want to spend your life with now, or would you rather swear by the adage of “taking multiple cars on a test drive, before buying one?”


Chinese Food and a Movie: The Surefire Date Idea

by Adam under Date Night,JBloggers,JDate,Relationships,Single Life

Every Christmas, Jewish young adults are faced with the same routine: some sort of Matzo Ball Christmas Eve, watching the Macy’s Christmas Day Parade (usually hungover), volunteering or watching the NBA, then going to eat Chinese food and watching a movie.

With that in mind, the question I have is this: Why can’t Chinese food and a movie be a possible first date? I know in my previous post, I stated an ideal first date would be coffee, but the Christmas date presents an interesting option.

In my opinion, the Chinese food “dinner” date is different than a regular “dinner date,”  as Chinese restaurants are usually the only ones open on Christmas Day. It is rather low pressure, since you were already going to go to a Chinese food restaurant anyway. In addition, a successful Chinese food date, with enough time, could lead to the New Year’s Date that you have been seeking, whether a simple pre-New Year’s drink, or that person you are desperately looking to have a sloppy make-out session with at midnight. Not only that, but chances are high your friends will probably be at the same Chinese food location that night, so what better way for this “prospect” to meet them and attempt to make a good first impression on them, as well as you?

Now, let’s take the opposite angle: What if your date doesn’t work out? What if you have no connection whatsoever in between bites of endamame and sushi, and now dread going to the movie?

Well, think of it this way: If you’re going to see Lincoln, you can sit watching an awesome three hour movie in silence, while feeling good that you ate moderately healthy at a reasonable price, and are now that much closer to finding the person who you CAN stand a whole Chinese food and movie date with.


Black Friday Love

by Adam under Date Night,JBloggers,JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Have any of you ever read those “Best Places to Find Love” lists? If you’re like me, and you constantly peruse Yahoo!, Google, and BET.com for those lists, you’ll find many of the same places listed: Yoga class, some random cooking expo at Whole Foods, a dog park, a Jewish singles event after 5-6 drinks, and during the Yizkor service at Yom Kippur.

However, these lists pale in comparison to the one place/holiday where everyone is out: Black Friday.

Think about it: Everyone starts shopping (provided their football team isn’t playing) from midnight on Thanksgiving to 11 pm the next day. You can find fiscally responsible men and women, shopping for the best “deals,” or those who just want the exhilaration of competing with 500 other people jammed into Macy’s, JCPenny, Bloomingdales (for my East Coast readers) or Hollister (for my wannabe West Coast readers) for the least expensive pair of socks they can finagle.

Isn’t money one of the biggest issues in a relationship? Doesn’t, “Hey baby, I don’t want to buy that vacuum now, I want to wait till Black Friday when it happens to be 45% off with the purchase of a large sofa” solve that problem?

The conversation starter is easy: “Hey, so what sales are you going to today?” Nothing creepy, just an easy question that can turn in to, “Hey, I’m shopping for superhero graphic tees too, want to come to Wal-Mart with me and grab a cup of coffee?” You can even start off with, “Oh, Good Burger is $3.99? I used to watch Kenan and Kei in my younger days.”

Not sure of the type of man/woman you are looking for on Black Friday? Go to a big box retail store and look in the electronics or general clothing section. Looking for a nice, city-dwelling yogi of a woman? Go to Lululemon. Want to find a man who has great finger dexterity and a competitive nature when it comes to shooting zombies? Go to Game Stop.

If face-to-face conversation scares you when finding love, don’t worry, there’s always Cyber Monday.


Sustaining an Erection after an Election

by Adam under Entertainment,JBloggers,JDate,Online Dating

“Why?”

While bartending last night, this was the question posed to me by a 25-year-old Libertarian congressional candidate, who spent a year of his life trying to promote himself and his message, only to garner less than 5% of the vote, as he sobbed over a whiskey and coke, unsure of his next steps. Why, even though the aspiring politician barely managed a blip on the congressional results, was he continuing to speak with constituents, and fervently articulating his unconventional ideas well into the night?

“How?”

My parents have gone through three kids, layoffs, disagreements, drama, and tragedy, yet have still managed to stay together for over 25 years. How, in a society where relationship distractions number ten times what they were when my parents were growing up, have my mother and father managed to sustain their relationship?

“What?”

This is the question many of you ask yourselves as you scan potential matches on JDate.  What am I looking for in a potential relationship/activity partner? What compelled me to sign up for an online dating site? What happens if every match is a failure?

“Will?”

How do you sustain your political erection, in light of severe election disappointment? How do you sustain your “erection of love” within your relationship, besides with the use of Viagra? How do you sustain your erectional (yes, I made up that word) drive after countless dating mishaps, which have you believing in your eternal residence in the land of singledom?

What keeps an unfunded entrepreneur creating 20 hours a day? What keeps a couple together for 60 years, after their kids are moved out and established? Why, even in the event of a string of bad dates, does someone continue to subscribe to an online dating site?

Desire.


The List

by Kelly under Relationships

Everyone has a list, whether they consciously know it or not. There are about 13 items on my own list. “The List” comprises of your non-negotiable, must-have requirements and characteristics that you look for in the person you will hopefully one day marry. So whether or not you’ve actually sat down and written it out like I have, you most likely have a sense of what you’re looking for. And if you haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about, finish reading my own and don’t do anything else until you’ve come up with a few requirements of your own. I realize that everything I’m saying sounds like a self-help book assignment, but trust me, I would never subject you to something I wouldn’t do myself or tell my best friend to do. In fact, two of my best friends were present when I made my list on a scrap of paper at a dive bar in Hell’s Kitchen back in the fall of 2010. They even signed the bottom as a vow to never let me end up with a guy who even fell an inch short, a promise I will hold them to until the day I say “I do”.

All of the items on my original list are still there in one shape or another, although some have become a little clearer and more defined as I’ve made my way through the dating world. Instead of just loving his family, I want the guy I fall for to have a strong sense of family values. I once went on a date with a guy who didn’t even know what his own sister did for a living. I mean, really? It’s not like he’s a Duggar. He has one sister, which to me made him seem self-involved and hard to relate to. That’s why I’ve decided he needs to not only love his family, he has to really know them and have a strong sense of family values. That’s important to me, so important that it made it on my list. This is why I think you need to make one of your own. You can’t know what you’re looking for unless you have a clear vision. Here’s what has made my cut:

The man I will marry must…

1. Be a good guy. The kind of nice guy who doesn’t realize just how much of a mensch he is, but he is. His natural instinct is to do the right thing.
2. Be able to make me laugh in unexpected ways.
3. Keep up with my sarcasm, fast talking, and craziness. In other words, he can bust my own chops
4. Be silly. He can handle game night with my family and doesn’t mind corny fun.
5. Be Jewish – OR – willing to raise a Jewish family.
6. Be able to pull off a good suit. Seriously, there’s nothing like a man in a suit.
7. Not care that I’m a picky eater and that I’m not very nice until my first cup of coffee.
8. Be ridiculously smart. The kind of smart that watches Stewart, Colbert, and can calculate basic math for me (I’ll take any required writing if he will figure out 20% of our check).
9. Be crazy about his family…a healthy crazy. He must have a strong sense of family values and know where he came from.
10. Enjoy a healthy balance of normal guy activities and hobbies (music, sports, etc.). I need a real guys guy.
11. Have a solid group of friends. I want to know that he would understand how much I love my friends and they are important to me.
12. Be extremely ambitious and focused on his career. Goal oriented. Have a vision for what his potential is and the future.
13. Love me without holding back. He can’t be afraid to say it out loud, or want to take it back when he needs space. It’s all or nothing.


Shut Up And Dance

by Kelly under Relationships

There’s that moment when you’re dating when you realize that if you hold on just a little bit longer, it might take off and become something more. Something significant. Something notable. Something to write home about. When this happens, you can’t help but feel inflated with excitement, passion, joy, and if you’re anything like me, a large amount of fear. That’s right. The girl who is the JDate blogger, the one who has been going on dates for the last three years, in and out of short relationships, only one of which wound up in a head over heels kind of love, and wants more than anything to  find Mr. Right, is afraid of relationships.

When I got into my last relationship early last winter, I remember falling asleep one night laying next to my ex as he stroked my hair until my eyes finally closed. He kissed me gently before turning over to fall asleep himself, and all I could think was that this was everything I had wished for… and I am scared out of my freaking mind. I knew that from that very moment, I could no longer pull back my feelings or keep my walls up. It was all hanging out. Every piece of who I am was revealed and extremely vulnerable. And if that’s not scary, I honestly don’t know what is. Okay, horror movies are scary. I can’t even watch scary movie trailers without covering my eyes, but that’s a totally different story. But I’ve realized that this fear is the most difficult thing to overcome. You can be a serial dater, or in my case a serial first dater, if you’re always dressed in your suit of armor. No one can hurt you, disrupt your daily routine, or embed themselves in your life when they’re standing at arm’s length.

That’s what happens when you date the way I have, recently had your heart broken, or don’t have much experience in dating at all. You learn to keep your distance as a defense mechanism. You might go to the dance, but that doesn’t mean you will actually dance. It means you’re thinking about dancing. Then when the moment finally comes when someone offers to take your hand and lead you to the dance floor, you have two options. You can say, “It was nice of you to ask, but no thank you.” Or you can let it all go and shut up and dance.


The Perfect Text

by JeremySpoke under Relationships,Single Life

The first text message I ever received read, “i love u.” It was all downhill after that. For example, the latest text message that I received read, “at gym. don’t call me.” In terms of the full range of all text messages you can potentially receive, those two are on complete opposite ends.

Ever since 2003, text messages have continuously disappointed me. Every time any phone I’ve had lit up with a little envelope symbol, I’ve opened it in anticipation of something even more awesome than “i love u.” I think that as I am writing this I am simultaneously experiencing an epiphany. This has to be why text messaging pisses me off so much. You know what’s even worse than getting a regular, shitty text message? It’s when you think you have a text message, but it’s an automatic text from your bank telling you that your account has been overdrawn. I hate text messages so much.

Just once, I want my bank to tell me, “i love u.” I would gladly pay that $5 ATM fee everyday if my receipt simply said, “i love u.” Actually, that would be really weird and would probably freak me out and force me to switch banks. To be honest, if I got a text from a girl today that said, “i love u”, that would probably freak me out and force me to switch girlfriends. I don’t know why I’m still single, but I think this blog post makes a few good supporting arguments.

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