Manners: The Best Stalking Mechanism

by Adam under Date Night,JBloggers,JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

So you’ve met this girl or guy. You like him or her, but you don’t know if they like you. You know where they work, live, play, and hope for a Hollywoodesque chance meeting at the local coffee shop where you can compare your latte orders and hopefully pick up a number. You want them to like you, but you also don’t want a restraining order against you a month after you meet them.

Given this situation, how do you properly “stalk” someone in a way that enables you to form some kind of relationship?

First, be nice. It’s a simple quality that goes a long way. It’s a “hi, how are you doing?” when you see them again. If you’re a guy, it’s even opening the door to a building if you walk in at the same time. However, being nice just doesn’t include the person you are after, it’s respecting the people around them when in a group setting. Show respect to their friends, and even random strangers who happen to be in the conversation. That way, the next time you run into your crush in a group setting, her friends will remember that initial niceness you showed them, and you’ll rank a little higher in their book.

After the initial niceness, it’s having the ability to make conversation. As outgoing and gregarious as I am, I have a slight tendency to act extraordinarily awkward around girls I like, rendering my conversational skills to zero. Once again a simple ,”Oh, I’m excited for this event “, or “hey, how was work today?” or “I really thought Shaniqua was going to get the rose on the season finale of the Bachelor” conveys a lot without making the person feel uncomfortable.

People go on dates with those they feel comfortable around and find intriguing. Yes, persistence is a nice trait to have, and telling your crush’s friends you like him/her may make them smile for a bit, but actions speak louder than words. I could be the greatest romantic in the world, but if I’m not a nice person, who’s going to actually want to date me, or even better, hope for a chance meeting in the local coffee shop?


The Double Standard

by Adam under Relationships

“Chivalry is dead.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that statement from women, discussing their break-ups, a bad date they had, or how every male they meet makes fun of the WNBA.

That statement is usually followed up with “He didn’t call” or “I thought we had a great time, but he doesn’t answer my texts,” or “he didn’t friend me on Facebook.” These complaints are completely understandable, as bad date or not, every male should follow up with “Hey, I had a great time” or “Hey, you’re an awesome person, and I’d love to be friends,” or something similar to not keep a girl waiting in her quest for Prince Charming.

Why is it then that girls always get a pass in disregarding these type of interactions?

A buddy of mine, I’ll call him Cutler due to his Chicago roots, went out for drinks with a girl who contacted him on another site. Now, what was interesting about said girl was when they were deciding a time to meet me, the girl sent Cutler several messages saying “Hey, if at all possible let’s do it tonight” and quickly gave him her phone number without being prompted by my friend. Not necessarily a red flag, but definitely a call for question.

Fast forward two days later. My chivalrous friend tells me he ended up talking for two hours to this girl, and was hopeful in planning date number 2, as the girl had also indicated to him via text that night that she enjoyed his company.

So why then, when Cutler called, saying what a good time he had and his interest in another date, did she not call back? Why would she give her number so quickly, look for a meeting time as early as possible, and then go silent once it was time to take the step? Did she have a boyfriend, who probably doesn’t know she’s on a dating site? Or is she just an immature 27-year-old girl (real women would be courteous with follow-ups) who is trying to get as many drinks bought for her as possible, while misleading every guy she dates until she finds the lawyer/doctor/banker/politician stereotype that all Jewish mothers secretly desire for their daughters?

Women, dating goes both ways. So does karma. Even if you had no possible connection, every guy is still worth a rejection text message to let him off the hook. You never know when “playing the field” will come back to bite you.


Manners

by JeremySpoke under Date Night,Single Life

Manners are a difficult thing to have if you do not have them. It’s hard to open a door for a woman if you don’t know that you’re supposed to open a door for a woman. I always figure that doors are an individual experience. I open a door, I walk through the door, I let the door close, I’m now inside.  I don’t have time to be the administrator of some door opening service, expediting this process for whomever I am with. I’m not saying I won’t push the door open if someone is walking in behind me. However, to hold a door for an extra person, well that’s just ridiculous, and a complete waste of time I could be spending slowly dying alone because I won’t even take the time to hold open a door for another person.

Of course, on a date, I will hold a door open. I will let the woman order first. I will even not abandon her mid-meal. I do have a lot to work on, though. For example, when is it appropriate to pull her seat back before she sits down? It’s always appropriate? Okay. I never do that. Then when I don’t do that, I spend the rest of the evening obsessing over the fact that I didn’t do it and that on my next date, which will now most certainly be with somebody else, I will have to, which I know I won’t. People that don’t do this should put it on their profiles. ‘I’m super nice, but I will not pull my seat out for you. I don’t know why I won’t. But I won’t. Call me?’

And then there’s the school of thought that girls like jerks. I don’t know how this compares to guys with good manners, or if these two things are mutually exclusive. I’m neither a jerk nor do I have good manners, so there’s really no reason for anybody to like me. I think if you’re a jerk, you can’t be a nice guy pretending to be a jerk. However, manners can be learned.

However, by age 28, if you don’t have your manners down, then just go with what you have. I have good hygiene and I’m very friendly. I’m going with that. No matter what I say, what I do or don’t do, or where I take you, I promise you that I will smell fantastic. I think that says a lot. Or nothing. I don’t care.

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Restaurant Wars

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

When you’re making plans for a date – whether you’re doing the asking or being asked – it’s imperative that you be flexible. If she suggests sushi, don’t make a gagging noise. If he suggests coffee or drinks rather than a meal, don’t sigh. If she suggests the newest, trendiest, most expensive restaurant, don’t audibly roll your eyes. And if he suggests a midweek date, don’t grunt or guffaw. Being flexible is an admirable and sought after quality. It doesn’t mean you’re desperate for a date anytime or anywhere but rather that you’re open to trying new things and willing to compromise – both attributes we desire in a mate.

Sure the ladies love a guy who tells them to get dressed up to go out on Saturday night – Prime Date Night – to a fancy-shmancy restaurant where he can impress you with the fact that he was able to finagle reservations. But a gal should be just as comfortable and excited to be in jeans at the greasy but delicious hole-in-the-wall neighborhood joint on a Thursday night because your date knows that’s when they have a special and delicious delicatessen that’s not on the menu.

If it’s your first phone conversation ever the last thing you want to do is come across as snobby or inflexible by heeing and hawing over every suggestion. If it’s a second or third date and you know her favorite food is sushi then take her there even if it means you order an overpriced teriyaki chicken dinner. Just don’t make an icky face or yucky noise when the raw fish arrives at your table. If you want to add some fun and interaction and spice up a date go to Gyu-Kaku or another type of restaurant where you can order the food and cook it together.

As I mentioned last week, I’m allergic to onions but even I would be willing to go to the Blooming Onion if that’s where my husband wanted to go because I know there’s going to be something on the menu I can eat. There’s something you can order everywhere you go even if it’s just the house salad with grilled chicken, so there’s no need to be difficult by rejecting every restaurant suggestion your date makes.

I met a guy on JDate a few years back who was allergic to this, that and the other. He couldn’t have anything with gluten, he was vegetarian and he was allergic to nuts. I asked him how he ever left the house, forget about eating in a restaurant. Needless to say he wasn’t my Beshert. In his case, he needs to make the phone call and ask out his date with a list of a few restaurants already in mind which he knows has food he can eat. And he shouldn’t mention all his allergies until they’ve ordered and even then he ought to do so in a self-deprecating manner. Thank goodness he didn’t list his allergies in his profile!

You can take turns on dates being the one picking the place – if it’s a flop you’ll be able to tease your date from then on. If you’re making plans via email or instant messenger it’s even more important to not make a sarcastic comment about the food or the service or what have you because so much gets lost in translation online. “LOL” only gets you so far. Don’t be a doormat – if you ate Chinese food last night and don’t want it again, it’s okay to say so. Some couples will bond over both being food snobs but for the most part nobody wants dinner to turn into restaurant wars – this is the situation where you want to be easy and not a challenge.


Kill ‘Em With Kindness

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

When you’re out on dates make sure you’re always well behaved. Politeness is one of the highest virtues one can possess. A great date can go south in a hurry if you’re rude to the waiter or don’t leave a nice tip or don’t show appreciation. It’s the little things that count, such as: Saying please and thank you, pulling out a chair, opening a door, and so on. When you have a longer wait than normal or the waiter gets your order wrong or you find a bug in your food, don’t lose your temper. Keeping your cool and taking care of the situation in a calm and controlled manner is a huge turn-on. Conversely, making a scene, being rude and showing disrespect can ruin something that’s on the verge of being great.


Reviving Chivalry

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

I refuse to believe chivalry is dead. It’s not that I can’t open my own door or drive myself to the restaurant or pay for my own meal, but when a man does it for me, I feel special.

I remember a JDate I met whose efforts were too forced and too obvious, and it was silly, really. He would say my name too often, which was probably a sales technique he learned to help remember names and make the person feel special, but instead it had the opposite effect and came off as insincere. When I answered the phone I heard “Hi Tamar!” When he left me a voicemail it was “Hi Tamar!” Each and every text message read “Hi Tamar!” It was just too much, too over the top and simply annoying.

Another JDate I remember lacked simple table manners. He didn’t put his napkin on his lap, chewed with his mouth open, talked with food in his mouth and held his fork like a pendulum over his plate and his elbows on the table. Ick.

One JDate extended the “ladies first” etiquette to me, but apparently the same didn’t extend to my female friends. One night a bunch of us went out and he opened the door for me but let it swing shut on my girlfriend. When we were getting our wristbands for the club, he stuck his hand in front of hers and as we were walking through the club he cut her off to walk behind me. Respect me by respecting my friends.

Another thing that bothers me is the indecisiveness. I was asked out on more dates than I can count where the man would ask me where we should go after I was already in the car. Excuse me? Here’s some advice: make a reservation at a nice restaurant and leave a decent tip. I don’t care how much the bill was, but I do care how you treat the server.

Listen, I’m not saying you shouldn’t be yourself… just be your most polite, well-mannered self on your very best behavior… at least on the first date!