If you are too scared to have The Talk about where you are in a relationship, then you simply cannot assume you and your new love interest are on the same page. To assume is to make an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” Basically, bypassing The Talk could lead one person in the relationship to feeling more interested than the other, which is never good.
Here’s a clue: if the other person avoids The Talk or behaves skittishly and skirts the topic, then that’s your answer. You can almost guarantee he or she does not want to enter into a monogamous, committed relationship with you for whatever reason. Take note and don’t try to convince yourself that they’re a commitment-phobe, or just not ready, or even that you are committed but don’t need to discuss it. This is a red flag. Ignore at your own risk. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
I was recently asked out by an intelligent, passionate guy who said he wanted to take things slowly at first. Sounds great, right?
Wrong. He also mentioned he was flexible about relationships. What he meant by that is that he is having sex with a married pregnant woman whose husband is also seeing other women. He assured me he was not the father. What was I supposed to do, jump for joy that he isn’t the biological father?
I just want something old-fashioned. I don’t want four people in my relationship. Two people can be complicated enough without trying to deal with the dynamics of other people’s emotions and problems. I don’t find open relationships or open marriages appealing at all… I don’t even get the point of being married in that case. Call me judgmental, but isn’t having sex with others against marriage vows?!? I can imagine my grandmother saying, “In my day, we called that infidelity.” Monogamous relationships are hard enough as it is.
Dear Gems from Jen,
I met a guy on JDate a few months ago. He is nearly 50 and never married. His profile said that he wanted to have kids.
I have kids and don’t want more. I asked him if he wants kids and he said he didn’t know. Well, as we got more intimate, I asked where the relationship was going. He asked if we need to put a label on it. I told him I was looking for a monogamous relationship. Then he said he thinks he wants kids, so I said I couldn’t date him since it is past my time to have them. He said okay and we stopped seeing each other. Well, he called and we ended up seeing each other again. I don’t know what to make of this. We get along so well. I don’t know if I should go along with it and see what happens or just stop.
Dear He Wants Kids,
It sounds as if you are both sending one another mixed messages. It seems as if he is unsure about what it is he wants and the same goes for you. You know there is no possibility of having more children and it isn’t something you want. However, you have chosen to date this man even though you know the two of you are on different pages. How did you feel when he said he didn’t want to put a label on the relationship? You want monogamy; he doesn’t. He appears to want more children; you don’t.
I understand how exciting it can be when two people really hit it off, but this relationship seems as if there are two people who want very different things. If you are willing to have a casual fling with this guy then go for it. However, if monogamy is what you want, I invite you to take a step back and look at what it is you are sacrificing because you are getting along well with someone. Keep in mind also that his desire for children will in all likelihood outweigh this relationship. Unless the two of you are both willing to give up your own wants and needs this particular match seems unlikely to have any longevity.
Gems from Jen