Guest Post: “Start Giving” by Ofir Tzoubari

by Aaron under Relationships,Success Stories

Last May, Mother’s Day was celebrated across the country. Families gathered to pay their respects to the woman who put so much of her time and energy into raising, feeding, and teaching her children. A mother’s life, we reflected, is truly dedicated to her children. A mother’s love for her offspring will always surpass the love of the child for his mother.

But why is this so? And why discuss this on a dating website? (And why, as an additional question, should we only recognize this on one day of the year? But this article won’t go there, at least not today…).

The answer to the above questions illuminates a profound truth about human nature, and about the nature of love. Often, we are told that the more we receive from someone else, the more we will love them. That seems to fly in the face of what we learn from our parents and the love they bestow on their children. Mothers and fathers give to their children since before their birth. Every minute of every day (particularly when in the child’s infancy) is dedicated to giving.

The reason for the love that develops as a result of the giving, is due to the investment the parents made into their children. They have put so much of their lives into the object of their giving and, as a result, the love grows. It is not a merely biological love; it goes much deeper. It must be the following: a parent will almost always love a child more than the child can love their parent because love grows from giving, and only from giving. And, the more selfless the giving, the more powerful the consequent love.

Anyone who has been truly in love can confirm this point. The love you feel for the other is made manifest by an overwhelming desire to give. One almost feels shame and annoyance, a besmirching of this great love, when one receives from their loved one in turn (which is unnecessary, to be sure, since another manifestation of the giving nature of the love is to permit your partner to give). Ideally, we should want only to give; the more you give, the greater the love becomes.

One of the reasons for this must be precisely the reason mentioned above for a parent’s love: the greater the investment of self that goes into the other person, the more you see yourself in that person. The natural human state is to love oneself; by extending this sense of self into the other by giving of yourself to him or her, that love expands outwards.

This can be seen quite clearly through our great affinity for things we have put so much time and effort into, such as our careers, building our homes (or even card-houses when we were children), or our music. The more time, energy, and money we put into a thing, the greater our love for that thing.

All the same, acknowledging this as truth today is unpopular today. In a relationship, we are told not to love as deeply as the other. Why? So we can walk away more easily, so that we will not be the one who leaves the relationship hurt. We must give the least and take the most.

The lesson we must learn from our parents teaches us the exact opposite: we must invest ourselves deeply into our beloved, to give as powerfully as possible, so that our love for them will grow. The paradox here is this: when you make the goal of the relationship the other person’s happiness, you in turn will find the greatest happiness of all. When the goal of the relationship is to be an altruistic giver, your relationship will last forever.


Mother’s Day and Dating

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

This weekend is one of those Hallmark holidays we all can’t help but celebrate because, well, we all have a Mom in a way, shape or form. And now many daters are either Moms themselves or you could be dating a Mom or you could be dating the future Mother of your children. So how do you mark the day in the most respectful manner possible?

For starters, give honor to the woman from whom you were birthed whether that means making reservations for brunch, visiting a grave-site, sending flowers across the country, or saying a prayer of thanks to your egg donor and/or surrogate.

Next, if you have a child or children, honor their Mother even if you are no longer together by sending her flowers as well. She is, and will always be, the Mother of your child. If you are currently in a relationship, this will also serve to show your new significant other your level of maturity in handling things with your ex moving forward.

If you are in a relationship with someone with children, make sure to discuss with her first if it is okay to make plans with her kids in her honor. I’m sure there won’t be a problem, but it’s a matter of respect to ask her first. Then make plans with her kids to make Mother’s Day special and help her kids accomplish the day they want to give her (breakfast in bed, making a gift, etc.) then at some point, maybe after the kids are in bed, give her a little gift of your own — something small — to let her know that you think she is a great Mom. Remember, this is the kids’ day, not your day, so your task is to assist them in their ideas.

And if you’re in a serious relationship with the woman you hope will be the Mother of your future children, then why not just tell her that? Say something romantic like: “I can’t wait to celebrate you and the amazing mother I know you will be one day in the future.” Only say this line if you have already proposed or are about to propose, otherwise you will send the girl running as fast as possible in the opposite direction!

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Flattered and Frustrated

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,JFacts,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

In the past I feel like I always took JDate too seriously.  I now have a more laidback approach and find it to be a lot more fun and challenging. I have had a lot of pursuers, but I haven’t found anyone that I am interested in. When I thought I found the “man of my dreams,” he didn’t respond to any of my e-mails! He sent me a Mother’s Day eCard but hasn’t responded to my subsequent emails. On occasion he will view my profile, but no message. What’s up with that? I don’t get it! Why are they there if they show interest and don’t respond? Please explain.

Dear Flattered and Frustrated,

I remember that high you get when you check “who’s viewed me” and see the hot guy you’ve been keeping tabs on. And I remember how quickly that high dissipates when you realize all he’s done once again is view you and not contact you. And then my paid membership ran out and before I renewed I realized the constraints that a free membership places on JDaters®. It sounds like this guy could have a free membership, which means he can’t write emails or read the emails in his inbox and he can’t send instant messages although he can receive and respond to them. He can, though, send eCards, Flirts, Hot List and view you to his heart’s desire. That means if he’s interested in you, he will keep viewing your profile until you contact him in a way that he can respond to. In other words, you’re going to have to cyber stalk him until you are both signed on at the same time so you can send him an IM. And what that means is that you have to put your pride on the line one more time. If the IM doesn’t get you anywhere, then it’s time to cut your losses and move on, because he is obviously not the man you thought he was. Good luck!