After you’ve been in a relationship for many years and find yourself single again you will also find yourself having memories of places you’ve gone, outfits you’ve worn, and stories and jokes you’ve told. It will be weird at first, but there are some ways to make the transition easier. When you are starting over it’s nice to also start fresh. I’ve written about buying new sheets and towels after living with someone, but buying new clothes is also something that will help you begin anew. Sell and/or donate your old clothes so that you can both make some money and give back. When it comes to places to go on your dates, this is the perfect time to try all those places you never went because they were too expensive or too far away or too exotic. Try new things and make new experiences on your dates. Finally, you are going to find yourself telling stories that include your former partner because he or she was recently a part of your life for a lengthy period of time. That’s normal. But concentrate on the story and not the person in it. Eventually you will get further and further away from the relationship and the constant reminders. Hold on to the good memories though, they don’t deserve to be trashed.
How do you delete a man from your thoughts? How can you stop thinking about a man for whom you have strong feelings? I know it is over, but can’t stop wanting him back. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Dear Over and Out,
Getting over a guy (or gal) is tough when you have strong feelings, but try to think about it this way: do you want to be with a guy who doesn’t want to be with you? That’s one quick way to realize you deserve better. You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him.
Give yourself a little time to mope and then get back out there and start going on dates, dates and more dates. Treat yourself to a few guys who want to treat you nicely, allow yourself to enjoy the attention before automatically comparing this guy to your ex. And when you do make the comparison’s — because you will — make sure to also compare the bad stuff. You know, the guy who dumped you and broke your heart bad stuff. Remind yourself of all his negative traits and then make the comparisons. And just know that one day you will meet a guy who feels as strongly towards you as you feel towards him.
We’ve all had our bad experiences, so how do we not take that feeling with us on our next date? Obviously we need to learn certain lessons, but there’s a difference between knowing not to tell that story about your untreatable rash and not assuming this date is automatically going to fail. Not every date is going to be bad or boring or lacking chemistry. And even when the date is fun and interesting and jiving, it doesn’t mean it’s your Beshert. Give each date his or her own chance; they deserve it just like you do.
So here is my issue: I met this guy on JDate and thought he was “the one”. I have never felt like this about anyone before in my life. We took trips together, spent lots of time with each other’s families, all was going so well for 6 months. Then, one day, I got a message from him and he was questioning our relationship. We sat and talked about it and it almost felt like he just gave up. We tried a little bit longer and then I just couldn’t take it anymore. We broke up and still, for the last few months, have communicated and have seen each other. I am not sure what happened. It doesn’t seem like he wants to totally let go and it doesn’t seem like he wants to be with me anymore. I am still very much in love with this person. We had discussed marriage and children and had both said we saw that together. What should I do? Should I cut all ties or see where it goes?
Dear The One or Done,
You’re in a difficult predicament and I feel for you. If you hang in there and see where it goes then you could end up still getting your heart broken but wasting more time in the meantime. I think your best bet is to tell him you need to cut it off to see how you each feel without the other because this on-again, off-again thing isn’t healthy. I think that once he sees life without you in it, he’ll be able to make up his mind about what he wants and you will too. Of course, don’t let him know this as you don’t want him to know he has all the power in the relationship; if he’s able to pull you back in when he misses you and needs you then what’s going to motivate him to step it up or cut it off? You’re on JDate, so that’s a good thing because it helps that you’re at least trying to move on or see what else is out there. Keep on perusing your other options while letting your ex know that you’re not his doormat.
My former girlfriend is now on JDate, only three weeks after our breakup. I still have feelings for her. I have not put up my pic yet as I feel insecure about her seeing me on JDate. I would like to contact her, but feel it is not appropriate as she is obviously seeking new men. She will see me when my pic is put up. How do I handle this situation?
Dear Ex or Next?,
I don’t think JDate is the right forum in which to let your very recent ex-girlfriend know you still have feelings for her; that’s something that should be done in person or on the phone, not via a JDate email. If she had been an ex from long ago, I would say go for it as I think that’s romantic. But, since you just broke up, a different medium should be used. If you’re not ready to date then you should refrain from posting your pictures until you are emotionally available, otherwise it will be a waste of your time and the prospective date’s. Obviously, since you saw your ex’s profile is active, you know that she is trying to move on — even if she’s not ready, she’s trying to put herself out there and see what her options are. I recommend that to a lot of people as part of the breaking up and moving on process. On the flip side, you could post your photos, knowing she will see them and hope that any feelings she has for you will surface. But, hey, that’s playing games, both with her and your own heart and mind. Once the sting of knowing that your ex is ready to move on wears off then hopefully you’ll start being ready to, too. Good luck!