Having The Confidence To Get Out Of A Bad Relationship

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Relationships

Dear Tamar,

How do I figure out who is the right type of person for me?   I have dated many over the years.  I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man who does nothing for me when it comes to conversation or sex anymore.  I settled.  Shame on me.  Ready to get out and move on……soon.

Dear Having the Confidence to Get Out of a Bad Relationship,

I applaud you for recognizing you aren’t in the type of relationship you want, but I will ask of you to try and find the spark that brought you together to begin with. If after trying to make it work you still don’t feel anything except that you settled, then cut your losses and move on to give both of you the chance to find someone new. It’s only fair to let your partner know how you feel and it’s only fair to let your partner go if you’re no longer emotionally invested in the relationship.

Back to your first question: in order to figure out what your type is I have always recommended to make lists. Write down everything you want in a mate and don’t want. Write down what you bring to a relationship and while you’re at it, write down the things you want to change about yourself as a partner that you’ve learned from past relationships – these two lists will help in filling out your JDate profile. All four lists are ever-changing and should be edited often as you learn more about what you want and who you are.

Once you have a list you need to prioritize. Figure out which traits are the most important and most valuable. There should be less than ten non-negotiables. Way less. Between three and seven”must-haves”  is more than enough and will actually make finding your Beshert easier. Once you figure out what those must-haves are, then you have your type. Everything else is just an added bonus. Already you have found out through experience that conversation and sex are a necessity, so what else makes the cut? Good luck!


High Expectations

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

Why do so many of these women have such unusually and unreasonably high expectations?

Dear High Expectations,

There are both men and women out there with unusually high — and unreasonably high — expectations. These people obviously think highly of themselves and believe they deserve someone, well, possibly unrealistic for them. But really I think it’s a defense mechanism — if no one meets their standards then they have an easy excuse not to put themselves out there and get hurt. Hopefully women (and men) who are taking the time to be on JDate are willing to compromise and are simply selecting every single trait they would possibly want in a mate. What you can’t tell by looking at someone’s profiles is which items are their must-haves and which are their “extras” so it’s worth contacting all the women who you match with and seeing where it leads.