He’s Just Not That Into You

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

It appears that some people — both men and women — have forgotten some of the signals of what someone who isn’t interested in you looks like. When he (or she) is just not that into you, he/she:

  • doesn’t call you
  • doesn’t ask you out on dates
  • doesn’t kiss you
  • doesn’t flatter you
  • doesn’t remember you
  • doesn’t think about you
  • doesn’t text you
  • doesn’t respond to your texts or add to any continuity of a conversation

If you find yourself making all the moves, trying to create opportunities for your crush to notice you, and continuosly reaching out to someone who doesn’t engage, then it’s time to recognize that he or she is just not that into you. You can’t take it personally. If you are practicing poly-dating, which I address in my book How to Woo a Jew: The Modern Jewish Guide to Dating and Mating, then you should have other prospects in rotation and one so-called “rejection” shouldn’t make you skip a beat. Plenty of other people will be into you, don’t worry about the few who aren’t. You will never receive a satisfactory explanation as to their disinterest so don’t even bother asking.


JDate Favorite

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating

Hi Tamar,

I seem to have been Favorited by 15 different girls yet few if any of them actually reach out to me. It’s only when I reach out to them that I get a response and even then, there are some that have just NEVER responded. What is the deal with this? What’s the reason? I just don’t get it. Can you shed some light?! Thanks.

Hi JDate Favorite,

Girls want a guy to make the first move, that’s why they Favorite you — it’s their way of winking, twirling their hair around their finger and smiling at you from across the room. And just like when you approach those women, not all are going to end up being into you. But it can’t hurt to give it a shot right? You know the women who Favorite you are already interested, so figure out if you’re attracted to them and why and then tell them that. Don’t worry about the ones who don’t respond, it’s normal. Play the odds… 15 Favorites are a lot… you are attracted and write to 10 of them… 5 write you back… that’s 1/3 of the women which is pretty awesome! Enjoy basking in the glow of having so many women Favorite you!

 Tamar


No Reply Rejection

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I recently went on a first date and on the way home I gave her a specialty chocolate bar because she had mentioned she loved them.  She texted me later that night saying thank you and she had a nice time.  I called her the next day and the day after that and got no respone.  She then called me and after 10 minutes she got a call she had to take.  She texted me asking if we could talk the following evening.  After a day of no return call, I then called again and texted one final time the next day. No response.  My problem is I obviously didn’t get the message she wasn’t interested when she didn’t return my calls.  But I was thrown off by her text and previous call back.  And where is the courtesy of even just an email saying thank you but we aren’t a match?  I feel I deserved that much and I was so stressed all week because I did like her and was hoping to plan a second date.  Sadly this happens all the time.  I always communicate after a date, good or bad.  Why do woman do this?  Do they think it’s ok?  Are they doing it because guys have done that all the time to them?  It is very upsetting and makes me not want to date at all.

Dear No Reply Rejection,

Both men and women are guilty of not responding when they’re not interested but I’m sorry it seems to happen to you more often. It sounds like you did everything right but she simply wasn’t feeling you. You’ve made all the effort you can; anymore and you’re infringing upon stalker status. She was definitely sending mixed signals by texting you and calling you back but at the end of the day it’s time to cut your losses. Please continue to call women even after a bad date to let them know you’re not interested, it’s good karma. Don’t become that guy because you’ve had unfortunate run-ins with rude women.


Poly-Dating

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I am new to dating.  I have been divorced for nine months.  How do I tactfully start dating two or three gentleman? Dating for me means going out to do activities both persons are interested in. How do I date, on this simple premise, without feeling awkward?

Dear Poly-Dating,

Welcome back to dating… I guess. It’s easy and can be fun to date more than one person at a time particularly when you’ve recently returned to dating. Think of it as practice or rebounding or what-have-you, but until you get your training wheels off it would be smart of you to date more than one person at a time. As for how to do it tactfully well, simply put, it’s no one else’s business. Sleeping with more than one person at a time is a different story, but just dating isn’t harming anyone; in fact, it’s healthy. Definitely stick to activities you are both interested in as that will create a common bond but be careful if you repeat the same activity with another date because you may get mixed up and forget whom you did what with and when. Now is the time to enjoy yourself and if you happen to find someone you really like and the feeling is mutual then you will simply tell the others exactly that. Have fun!


Self Involved Syndrome

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

When people are actively dating they get used to the idea of self-promoting – talking about themselves at such a length that was previously uncomfortable and unacceptable all in an effort to sell themselves. But there is a line that shouldn’t be crossed when it comes to being too self-involved… namely, when you forget to ask about the other person and actually begin to enjoy hearing yourself talk about yourself. Don’t give up when you find yourself faced with the Self Involved Syndrome because it’s pretty common and not always indicative of the person. Many people get jaded by the online aspect of JDating®, the picking and posting of photos of yourself, writing about yourself and making yourself seem bigger and better than you may actually be. It can be daunting to make good on all your promises (even when they’re true) by finally meeting each other in person. When someone you’re communicating with on JDate seems self-involved, don’t misconstrue it as disinterest. Instead, try to steer the conversation towards banter and making plans. Try to get offline and in person as soon as possible.

Do a self-check to make sure you’re not the one being overly self-involved. Before you send an email, read it back and calculate the ratio of sentences about you and sentences asking about the other person. It should be equal, 50/50. Of course, respond to questions asked of you or comment on something the other person said to create a tête-à-tête – just remember to toss it back and lead the conversation forward. You can use this self-check in person when you’re on a date, too. Ask questions but don’t make it seem too forced. Instead, really show interest in the answer and prove you’re listening to the answer by commenting or asking a follow-up question. Talk about yourself but not for too long before turning the table back over. Find subjects you have in common to talk about but also be open to learning about something new – such as your date.


Do You Click!?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

Oftentimes I use the Click!® feature and am immediately notified that there’s a match, meaning the man Click!ed first and I Click!ed second. But then I don’t ever hear from the man! Sometimes I’ll write, but rarely receive an answer back. Why would a guy Click! on me and then not want to get to know each other further?

Dear Do You Click!?,

I’m just as flustered as you about why a man would show interest and then not follow up once he found out the interest was mutual. There are the normal reasons why this could happen including that the man may already have started dating someone else. The other, hard-to-swallow reason, is that maybe the man decided he wasn’t interested in you after all, for whatever reason. Sometimes you Click! on someone based on their looks or based on hedging your odds that you’ll get some mutual Click!s but that doesn’t mean you want to meet everyone you Click! on. I’m sure there were men who you’ve Click!ed with who wrote you that you didn’t respond to because on second thought you weren’t interested. Don’t stop using the Click! feature, eventually it will work out for you. Good luck!