We all like to say that we don’t care what other people think about us, but when tested you’ll soon find that you’re not immune to being affected by what others say. In dating, this can have a huge effect on your psyche and self-esteem. When you walk into a bar, event or schmoozer everyone is going to look to see who came through the door. And then they’re going to judge you. They will judge you for being beautiful, for being confident, for being sexy, for all the negative opposites, but most importantly they’re going to judge you for taking attention away from them and for being competition.
Try to not let negativity get to you when you’re at a singles event because it won’t help. That said, try not to make negative judgments either. A hater is the worst. Such a turn-off. Do you know what an attractive quality is in someone? Someone who can acknowledge a positive in their competition, be it their looks, personality or outfit.
In dating, you have to have a short-term memory in order to forget about the disappointments. A long-term memory will only hinder you from taking chances. You can’t remember the hurt. Get over it and proceed full steam ahead. You can’t believe rumors, care about past relationships, or harbor ill will towards people who didn’t do anything directly to you. All’s fair in love and war. I was reminded of that line when I ran into an acquaintance who used to date one of my girlfriends. A year and a half later, and I believe that they’re both fair game for any mutual friends. Another friend was going to be set-up on a blind date but heard something vaguely negative about the guy through a friend, so ixnayed him before even meeting him. We need to all cut each other some slack and stop sweating the small stuff. You never know who your Beshert is going to be, so don’t judge until you’ve actually given him or her a chance.
under Date Night
My friend Julie had an awful day yesterday and in turn it possibly ruined her promising JDate last night. It started off with a bang, literally. Someone started setting off illegal fireworks in the street at 3am waking up a sleeping Julie. After finally falling back asleep an hour later, she slept through her alarm and was late running out the door. After driving 45 minutes in rush hour traffic she arrived in court to find out the case was being continued. Finally when she got back to her office there was a message waiting for her from one of the law firm’s partners asking her to come and see him. Since there wasn’t a reference as to what the meeting was about, Julie became very nervous and started biting her freshly manicured nails.
The partner told Julie they need her to start taking on more responsibilities. Julie is already swamped at work with files stacked over her head, and she works longer hours than anyone else – even newer associates! Needless to say she became aggravated and chewed her way through ten nails worth of polish. Her lunch order was delivered wrong, except of course she didn’t discover it until it was too late, and then she got a text from her mother telling her a close family relative was in the hospital. Whew!
By the time Julie left work, the office was empty, and she had to run home to freshen up for the JDate she had previously been extremely excited about but now was dreading. She had thought about canceling but ran out of time during the day to call, so now she was stuck going on the JDate in a terrible mood, with no energy and barely enough time to roll on some fresh deodorant. Julie called me on her way and I gave her a pep talk. I reminded her how excited she was about this prospect – his qualities, hobbies and looks, all of which she was attracted to. I told her to start with faking a smile while she was talking to me since smiling sends a message to your brain that you’re happy and this will cause her negative mindset to turn positive. By the time she arrived at the restaurant, I think she was in a better mood, but it still wasn’t going to be the best representation of who she is.
So what can you do when you’re having a bad day and are supposed to go on a date? You can try and reschedule – simply call early enough in the day, explain that your day is sucking and you want to be at your best for the date and see if he or she is available later that week. If you can’t reschedule for anytime soon, let your JDate know you’d rather see him or her sooner rather than later and you’ll just try and turn your day around and that you look forward to the date ending your day on a better note. If, like Julie, it’s too late to reschedule, then try to at least see if you can push back the time of the date so you have time to go home and freshen up, maybe take a quick soak in the tub to decompress or a cold shower to wake you up, definitely reapply deodorant and change your clothes. Try to separate business from pleasure and remember: your life partner is going to have to support you through thick and thin, so there’s no reason to pretend your life is perfect. Try to keep your description of your bad day to a minimum and get back to getting to know each other discussing fun, positive topics.
Dear Gems from Jen,
I am male, 5’4″, 210 lbs, 55, own no car or real estate, haven’t worked since 1993, and haven’t had a date since 1999. What do you suggest that would improve my chances of landing a decent girlfriend? At this point I’m so hard up for some tender love that an indecent one would do, too. I have high morals (by force of circumstance), am well read, better than viewed or listened to, anyhow. I never gamble, smoke, or drink. I don’t know the meaning of life, and I don’t know what love is. I keep asking myself the same questions over and over, which is ‘what can I do for my country,’ instead of ‘what my country can do for me?’
Dear Dating Advice,
What can you offer to a potential girlfriend? The only thing you have told me so far is that you have high morals, are well read, you don’t partake in drinking/gambling/smoking, you don’t know what love is, you have no job, car, or real estate. You haven’t sold me on the idea that you are a good catch. Why would you want to date yourself? Ask yourself that question before you take any further steps. Next, focus on your positive traits. Who are you? What makes you tick? What are your high morals? How are you well read? What can you do for your country? What do you value? What can you offer emotionally? What can you offer in terms of a relationship? If you did know what love was, what would that look and feel like? Stay away from the points that you believe are negative. Women want to meet men that are confident and know who they are.
What are you looking for in a girlfriend? What would you like a potential girlfriend to offer to you? Be sure to include this in your profile. Stay away from the superficial points and focus on personality and emotional traits. Be specific, but don’t box yourself into one particular type of person. Open yourself up to all of the possibilities that are out there.
Gems from Jen