It’s that time of year again. It is in the air, Halloween.  A few weeks ago, while visiting my parents, I asked each one of them what Halloween was like for them as children.  Their answers were completely different than what I had conjured up in my own mind about each of their childhoods.

My mother was raised as a Conservative Jew. Her father was very observant and did not believe in putting any time and/or energy into holidays that were not strictly Jewish. My mother who grew up in New York City wasn’t allowed to trick-or-treat. She never dressed up, felt the excitement all day at school, or got to look forward to the chocolate bar before bed on Halloween night.

 My father was raised as a Reform Jew and was able to partake in trick-or treating. I always imagine his early years as Leave it to Beaver. He had an older brother, a working father, and a mother who seemed to be able to fix any problem in 22 minutes or less. His Halloween night was spent in costume going door to door collecting money for Unicef. Again, no chocolate bar before hitting the pillow for the night. But, what a concept; spending an evening with friends doing something for someone else. How many of us really, truly do that?

I grew up waiting for the one night of the year to collect as much candy as possible.  My brother and I would compete to see who could get more. It is not easy to admit, but at times I’m still like this. Putting my needs, even if they are just a hankering for a good old-fashioned chocolate bar before someone else’s.

If for just a few minutes a day we were to all do something kind for someone else I believe this world would be a much happier, kinder and gentler place. Think about this next time you go on a date.  Put yourself in the other person’s shoes for just a few moments. If you feel nervous imagine how the other person must feel. It takes a lot of effort to date and to put oneself out there. It makes us vulnerable which can be a scary place to be. Be kind with your dates. Honesty, integrity and helping someone feel more at ease are all signs of great character.  Make these attributes part of who you are and treat people in a manner that you would like to be treated. In essence, collect for Unicef on Halloween night, instead of going out there for as much candy as you can get your hands on. You still get the pleasure of trick-or-treating without gaining an ounce, and you did something good for someone else.  I imagine if we all took the time to do this all of our dates would have much happier endings.

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New York City Singles 2009–The Ultimate Dating Guide from the Dater’s Point of View. As usual, my friend and I were deep in “serious” Seinfeld-esque discussions involving our celebrity lists…Emmanuelle Chriqui, Kate Beckinsale, Denzel Washington…Then we quickly switched gears to what we thought was a brilliant idea. What if there was an imdb or Zagat for dating? All necessary information would be available with feedback and ratings. We could have categories like “Cost” (high/low maintenance/Am Ex Black Card), “Decor” (Carson Kressley HELP!), “Service” (Getting into Harvard is easier) and “Overall Date.” That way before you asked someone out, you’d know prior what to expect. Efficiency at its best.

Imagine the reviews: “Great in its heyday,” “lovely garden,” “neighborhood favorite,” “NYC’s finest hottie,” “kind of, sort of,” “chaotic,” “authentic without extraneous enhancements,” “doesn’t disappoint”, “cheapskate took the phony offer,” “phony offer made,” “ever-changing menu-commitment phopic” and “Per-fect palate awakening.”Of course included in this guide will be those fun adhesive tabs “Love it,” “Must Try,” “Best in Bed,” “Top Pick” and specialty sections “Geographically Desirable,” “Key Newcomers,” “Back on the Market,” and “Brunch Worthy.”

Coming soon…

Correction: There is indeed a Zagat Guide for Dating entitled Zagat Dating and Dumping Guide – one for New York and one for Los Angeles readers! As if that wasn’t enough, there is also a Zagat iPhone application where you can find the best places to go on a date!

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Dear GemsFromJen,

I am about to turn 26 and live in New York City. I have never dated and am really interested in dating or getting into a relationship if and when I find the right person. I am shorter than average height and do weigh a bit more than I should, which makes it harder for me with online dating since the picture is all you really have to go on when looking at people’s profiles. I need some suggestions as to how to turn this all around in my favor.

I have a lot to offer and am a great friend, listener and would like to be someone’s best friend and partner in life. I really want to have a family and experience the amazing restaurants/parks/recreation NYC has to offer with that someone special or at least experience some fun dating in my 20’s.

Can you help me? Any advice?

~Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

To be 26 and single in the big city is fantastic! Your 20’s only come once and taking full advantage of these exciting years is my best suggestion.

Firstly, there is no shame in who you are. We women have so many stereotypes to live up to that it is no wonder we question our physical appearance. I know I have many more times than I even care to remember. What is wrong with being short? I once dated a guy who was 6 feet tall and he always commented on how grateful he was that I was considered short (I’m 5 feet 2 inches). He loved that I would ask him to reach items off of tall shelves and change light bulbs. Men like to feel needed, so this worked in my favor!

Who decided you weigh more than you should? If a doctor has given you this advice then yes, follow doctor’s orders. If however, you are comparing yourself to other women or what you think every man likes, then get that idea out of your head and fast! Men are attracted to all shapes and sizes. There is most certainly a match out there for you.
You mentioned all of the great qualities you possess. Keep those in mind and face the dating world with confidence. Looks fade; but qualities like being a good listener and a best friend last a lifetime. Any man that chooses a woman solely based on looks is a man you want to run far away from.

Spice up your profile a bit. Have a friend take some pictures of you doing things in the city that you enjoy. Make sure to smile and let your personality shine through.

Keep me posted and good luck with your JDate search!

Signed,
Gems from Jen

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It seems most folks are in a constant search for one thing or another. As a recent NYC transplant, this week I have been engaged in an apartment search and honestly I’m not sure which is more challenging…finding the right apartment or the right guy to date? I’ve been pounding the pavement on the UWS (Upper West Side) for the perfect apartment and so far there is something always a little off…which reinforces that it is all about priorities/compromise (as with dating)…perfection does not exist…and maybe if it did, it might actually be a little boring. So, when does my search end for my apartment/mensch?I believe when I have an intangible “content” feeling that this is “the perfect fit” with all its imperfections.

Though my practical side is at odds with my romantic notions, reminding me that in both searches timing is crucial and out of my control, both with an apartment vacancy and finding that perfect-enough-for-me bachelor.

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I have always been a contradiction even to myself…1/3 impetuous adventurer, free spirit, willing to try “most things” from scuba diving the Great Barrier to skiing Aspen…to living in Japan for several years in my early twenties. 1/3 traditional romantic idealist, who roots for the underdog, believes in karma – that good guys/women finish first, and believes in happy endings. 1/3 responsible, fiercely independent and trying to live up to the expectations of others and most importantly, for what I have set up for myself.

I am a sassy single woman in her mid-thirties who continues to evolve and take risks, not sure where my path may lead but recognizing “change” is generally never a bad thing. As such, after 14 years of a comfortable life in the burbs of D.C., I picked up and moved to NYC to try my hand as a city gal….

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