Every single has an idea of their must-haves and must-nots. But having that list in your head will allow you to alter it as you go. By not having it written down, you will make allowances for each prospect in order to make that person work for you. Of course, you can make changes to your list as you live and learn, but there should be some constants on there. We are all human – most of us can change and we will as we grow, but there are intrinsic values and traits we each have that isn’t going to change too much. And that means your list of musts shouldn’t change too much. And that’s why you need to start writing down your list and not get distracted by a date that sweeps you off your feet when really you aren’t compatible.
What are your make-or-break items? Do you want kids? Do you want to live in a specific city? Do you want someone who keeps kosher? Your must have items should not be negotiable and no one should be able to convince you otherwise.
Take a pad of post-it notes. Write down all of the things you want in a mate on the notes; one item per note. Stick the notes on a mirror, stare at them, think about them. As soon as you realize there is a trait you can live without, take the post-it note off the mirror and throw it away. Keep crumbling up post-it notes and tossing them in the trash like a basketball drill. Take satisfaction from making a basket. OK, now focus back on the mirror. Now that you’ve gotten the post-it notes down to single digits, try to put them in order as to what is most important to you. It may not be 1 thru 9, it could be three-tiered, but prioritize. What traits are you willing to negotiate and compromise on? Pare the notes down as far as possible and then go back and edit your JDate profile to reflect the exercise you just did.
I talk about figuring out what is important to you in a mate often and that’s because it’s not only important, but it’s also an incredibly difficult task. My list had 75 items on it, but once I put it on a spreadsheet and gave the items a numerical value, the few that ended up being worth the maximum of 10 points were the only ones that mattered. You probably aren’t willing to give up chemistry right? Of course not. But at the end of the day, does it really matter if someone is 37 when you didn’t want someone over 35? Nope!
How do I figure out who is the right type of person for me? I have dated many over the years. I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man who does nothing for me when it comes to conversation or sex anymore. I settled. Shame on me. Ready to get out and move on……soon.
Dear Having the Confidence to Get Out of a Bad Relationship,
I applaud you for recognizing you aren’t in the type of relationship you want, but I will ask of you to try and find the spark that brought you together to begin with. If after trying to make it work you still don’t feel anything except that you settled, then cut your losses and move on to give both of you the chance to find someone new. It’s only fair to let your partner know how you feel and it’s only fair to let your partner go if you’re no longer emotionally invested in the relationship.
Back to your first question: in order to figure out what your type is I have always recommended to make lists. Write down everything you want in a mate and don’t want. Write down what you bring to a relationship and while you’re at it, write down the things you want to change about yourself as a partner that you’ve learned from past relationships – these two lists will help in filling out your JDate profile. All four lists are ever-changing and should be edited often as you learn more about what you want and who you are.
Once you have a list you need to prioritize. Figure out which traits are the most important and most valuable. There should be less than ten non-negotiables. Way less. Between three and seven”must-haves” is more than enough and will actually make finding your Beshert easier. Once you figure out what those must-haves are, then you have your type. Everything else is just an added bonus. Already you have found out through experience that conversation and sex are a necessity, so what else makes the cut? Good luck!
Everyone knows I had a checklist of what I was looking for in my husband. It was long and detailed, and eventually I transferred it to a spreadsheet and gave the items numerical values. Of course that’s a tad immature, and some have even been appalled at the concept, but really it served to remind me what was important so that I didn’t get swept up by lust. The scorecard determined which traits were non-negotiable and which were nice to have but not a necessity. “Jewish” was the most important with a value of 100 points but that was the only one worth that much – basically it was a given so if any man wasn’t Jewish, he would never “earn” enough points to be worthy (of me, at least).
The traits which followed in importance were worth 10 points and decreased in value down to 5. Anything that wasn’t 5 points didn’t need to be on my list. I made the list at 16 years old, and as my age changed so too did the numbers. Some moved up, some down, and some were eliminated altogether. The Tamar at 18, 21, 25, still wanted the majority of the traits, but as I got older I realized which ones were realistic, which were optimistic and which were fatalistic.
You should know what you want and how important certain items are, but you need to have more than the one non-negotiable. Jewish is a given, so what else is make-or-break? I had about 10 items which were worth 10 points each, but if a guy had at least the majority of those items then I would consider him, he didn’t have to have to be a Perfect 10. Such things don’t exist except in magazines with airbrushing. Just know which couple of items you’re not willing to budge on. For me, I never thought I would ever date a smoker and I ended up marrying one because he has enough of the other important things I do want that I could ignore an item here and there that I didn’t want (and since we got married, he’s quit smoking).
Why do so many of these women have such unusually and unreasonably high expectations?
Dear High Expectations,
There are both men and women out there with unusually high — and unreasonably high — expectations. These people obviously think highly of themselves and believe they deserve someone, well, possibly unrealistic for them. But really I think it’s a defense mechanism — if no one meets their standards then they have an easy excuse not to put themselves out there and get hurt. Hopefully women (and men) who are taking the time to be on JDate are willing to compromise and are simply selecting every single trait they would possibly want in a mate. What you can’t tell by looking at someone’s profiles is which items are their must-haves and which are their “extras” so it’s worth contacting all the women who you match with and seeing where it leads.
JDate has unveiled the beta version of the new profile makeover and it’s going to make your time on JDate easier than ever! Your excuse that you don’t have time is no longer plausible because JDate is doing the dirty work for you! Not only can you see all the photos nice ‘n big without having to go to the next page but JDate tells you right away what you have in common and lists what items are most important up front. That means no more searching for height, parental status, smoker or not or job and education — those non-negotiables are front and center so you can see if you’re a match right away.
The added scroll of photos at the t0p means it’s more important than ever to have your main photo be an eye catcher. That means it needs to be a close-up so people can see your face in a tiny thumbnail, it shouldn’t be a profile view or have anyone (or anything) in the pic with you. We want to see your face! No sunglasses, no hats, no dark photos without flash. You need to stand out in a sea of people. You have so many more options to post photos, save the underexposed one with your dog standing by the tall tree for option #4.