under Date Night
A JDater wrote me today asking me where all the JDaters are… he said every profile he clicks is on is either fake or inactive. Ummm, not quite buddy!
Sure, there are people who forget to delete their profile, or are waiting to see where a relationship goes before deleting their account, but you can easily see who is on JDate regularly by choosing the option to see who is “Most Active.”
As for the rumor that there are models posing as “fake” JDaters — why is it so unrealistic to think there are really great looking Jews out there who are or were once on JDate? Is it possible that there are trolls out there creating fake accounts just to check out other singles? Sure. You will find that on every dating site and social media site. That’s the reality of the internet.
But you can’t be hindered by the people who aren’t responding to you. You have to keep looking for prospects who fit the majority of your preferences and reach out to them. This is a numbers game, so the more you view, click, and email prospects, the better your chances are of finding someone.
And if no one is responding then there are two possibilities: your preferences are either too narrow and therefore you don’t have enough options to choose from, or your own profile needs some tweaking along with what you’re saying in your emails. I’ve covered the former many times in this blog, and for help with the latter you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for an Extreme Profile Makeover… or send me samples of your emails to dissect!
So far, my profile has been visited by more than 50 girls, and I wrote emails to many of them but only two answered. Is there something I’m not doing correctly? Maybe I’m not writing the correct text? I don’t like the standard, prewritten emails. Could I get some advice?
Dear No Answers,
JDate can be a numbers game… how many women’s profiles are you viewing, sending a Flirt to, clicking on Secret Admirer or adding to your Favorites list? Do you log on daily to view women and make sure the women know you’re interested by viewing them multiple times a week? Do you write emails when you find someone you’re interested in or do you wait for them to view you in return? In order to increase your odds in getting responses to your messages you need to be active and proactive. But make sure your emails aren’t too aggressive, you don’t want to come off as desperate or needy. Tell the women why you are interested in them and what you have in common and that you hope to hear from them soon. Good luck!
New data is out and it puts the odds in your favor:
-87 million. That’s the number of singles in the United States.**
-40 million. That’s the number of singles that have tried online dating sites.**
**US Census Bureau 2011
Try to wrap your head around that number – forty million. That’s a lot of people! Granted, Jews only make up about two percent of the U.S. population… but still, that’s still a huge number!
It’s my people watching skills that have left me baffled about the numbers game. The guys I saw on JDate were not the same guys at the single’s events or volunteering with Jewish Family Services. I would randomly meet Jews I had never before seen or met at bars whom had never been to a Jewish event! That means those people were not upping their odds because they weren’t as involved as they could be. It was better for me because I was doing it all and was meeting them all, but I wouldn’t be surprised to find that many of those people are still single today because they’re just not doing everything possible. Of course, I met my husband at a random bar after agreeing last minute to go with a friend to a birthday party while I was vacationing in Tel Aviv, so my theory proved itself.
You HAVE to be proactive! I’m a living, walking, breathing example of how increasing your odds does work! I’ve heard all the excuses – you’re tired, you’re busy, you’re frustrated with being single and fed up with seeing the same faces over and over again. The first two are tossaways, but the last excuse gets me every time — remember, it only takes one new face!
Ever wonder how some folks like my cousin, who is 27, and his parents, now in their 50’s, both managed to meet their life partner while in high school and still remain together? Then there is a famous author I went to high school with who met his wife in the eighth grade – sickening, right? For those unique individuals it is a blessing. However, for the rest of us still single in our 30s and 40s, is there a strategy we should be following? Or, is everything really just up to fate?
Some would argue it is a numbers game. I’ve heard the expression, ’If you throw enough spaghetti against the wall, some of it is bound to stick.’ But for a hopeless romantic, not only is this an exhausting concept, but also a very unromantic one. Sounds perfect in the scope of sales and business development but for a life partner? Then of course there is the “meet cute” Hollywood romance of getting Prince/Princess Charming’s dry cleaning instead of your own. Ridiculously romantic but not very likely.
My theory is a combination. Above all else you have to be ready and open to finding a relationship. For me, any long-term relationship wasn’t even a possibility until my thirties because I was living abroad and in grad school. I think the experience of the numbers game (i.e. dating) helps clarify what you need in a life partner and gets you out meeting people. But as a friend recently put it, after a point, sometimes too many options equate into no options. And I couldn’t agree more.