Dear Gems from Jen,

I was talking to this guy who said that he would be in contact with me about meeting for our first date. I called him a few days ago and I haven’t heard from him since. Should I wait to hear from him? Or should I remind him about our date?

He gave me his number first to call him and I did, but it seems if I don’t call/text him I don’t hear from him. I did mention to him that if he doesn’t show himself to me, I am not sure about him. He told me he was interested to meet, but I feel he is not interested. Not sure what to think?

Dear Not Moving In His Tracks,

I understand how difficult waiting can be; especially when we believe what we are told is the truth. It can be a very frustrating experience. He told you he would be in contact and he has yet to get in contact with you. You left him a message and he has yet to return the call. You explained that he needed to show himself to you. How long are you willing to wait for a phone call that may never come? I do believe it really isn’t about whether he is interested or not, it is about follow through and trust. Look at it this way; if he said he would be in touch and he wasn’t, what is it you are waiting for? Do you want to get involved with someone who cannot stand by his word, appears a bit wishy-washy, and does not return phone calls? Do you want to be in a potential relationship where you would have to remind your partner to call you? I know I sure wouldn’t! There are tons of men out there who will follow through and stand by their word. Keep up your search on JDate and focus on the guys who do what they say. Remember, actions speak louder than words.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

Are there any dating faux-pas when it comes to contacting a guy on a dating website? I’ve contacted several (either via ‘Flirts’ or a simple ‘hi’ via email) and once they reply and then I reply, it all seems to come to an abrupt end. Should I email again or just let it go by the wayside?

Dear Dating Faux-Pas,

My suggestion is to start the first communication with more than just a “hi.” Make sure you include something in the body of the email that shows you have something in common with the person you are writing for the first time. I know in my own experience if the communication is too brief the emails tend to die down rather quickly. Make certain you always leave an opening for the person to respond. Ask a few questions throughout the email so the person you are communicating with will feel more at ease responding. If you are still interested in the guys who do not respond try again.  Be sure to leave an opening for a response in order to maximize the possibility that you will get a return email.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

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Dear Gems from Jen,

Online dating is so much different from the real world. In real life, when I meet someone we know each other and the relationship, whether it’s casual or serious, is stable.

With online dating, when a date goes poorly, it just wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes though, the relationship develops rapidly and the girl will completely offer herself in every way imaginable and call non-stop. Then, suddenly, a few days after the climax of this infatuation (which for the record, I don’t initiate as I’m one to work slowly), the girl suddenly ends it on a dime with little explanation.

I know women change their minds a lot, but is there anything I can do to curb this from happening? Or is there a way to be able to get an initial sense of which girls are emotionally unstable before I become emotionally invested?

Dear Change Of Heart,

The real world is just that, real. Meeting people online can feel real, but it isn’t real until two people actually meet.  I can’t speak for all women, but my best guess is the ones that you have met that seem to fall hard and fast are looking for someone to live up to a fantasy.  This, by the way, is impossible for anyone to do.

Going slow is the best course of action and if that is what tends to come naturally to you, then you need to make sure that you are setting firm boundaries for yourself in these relationships. Once you sense a girl is becoming infatuated too quickly, put on the brakes.  Let her know you will only move slowly. If she persists, tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not enter into something quickly. If she doesn’t get the hint then you will know very early on this girl was not meant for you.

Signed,
 
Gems from Jen

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With online dating being mainstream these days, it seems a little odd when you discover someone who doesn’t utilize the resource…why wouldn’t you? It is self marketing and you don’t have to lift a finger at the outset.  The tides have turned from where people socialized in bars wondering if the “one” could be there too; and asking friends for set ups…to sitting on the couch clicking away.  As singletons, we have become somewhat lazy. Why go out (if you are exhausted after a long day) when you can have probably a better batting average clicking away?  Regardless if it is online or in-person, the end result is determined by in-person chemistry and in my humble opinion the sooner you meet “live” the better.  The upside is, while clicking you can watch that hysterical Seinfeld rerun in your pjs knowing that most people online are looking for that same elusive “one”.

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Dear Gems from Jen,
 
I met a guy online and we were taking it slowly. We started to chat online then talk via phone….
 
Unfortunately, I got a bit nervous about the whole “Internet dating thing” and I scared him away. We were at the stage where we were considering to meet etc…but my email sounded very reluctant.
 
This guy comes across as very decent and it has been a long time since I have had a great chat with someone. I really wish I can take back my message, maybe things would be different now.
 
Can I fix this or should I just walk away?
 
Look forward to your thoughts.
 
Thanks
 
Dear Can We Fix This,
 
If you really want to fix this, then it can be fixed. At least to the point where you can let this guy know what happened and ask for another shot at a first meeting. Write him back, or better yet call him.  Share your reluctance with him and let him know how you are truly feeling. I understand the whole meeting on the Internet thing can be scary. Make sure you let someone close to you know when and where you are going.  Make him aware that you are experiencing regret based on your email and would like a chance to meet. Having a great conversation with someone does not come along every day, so do yourself a favor and let this guy know how much you have enjoyed speaking with him.  You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
 
If for some reason he is no longer interested in meeting, chalk this up to a lesson learned. Don’t repeat the same mistake with the next person you converse with online and continue your search.  Be sure to remember this lesson and don’t let the guys that you feel a connection with get away.
 
Signed,
 
Gems from Jen

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Matt Gidney is a marketing consultant and cartoonist living in New York City. His comic strip is published weekly at MitchInWonderland.com, as well as a variety of school newspapers and independent publications.

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Dear Gems from Jen,
There is a man who has expressed interest in me and it is mutual. We were about to meet, but a family member (grandchild) got sick and now our meeting is on hold. We still email and talk, but less often. I often see him online–sometimes he writes to me, other times he does not. Sometimes he replies to my notes, other times he does not. I really believe he is interested in me, but obviously he is interested in many other women too, since the ” last log on” info is rather frequent. I just do not know what to do. Please help.
-Figuring Out Men
 
Dear Figuring Out Men,
 
I think the first step is to realize why people are using JDate.  We are all here to meet potential dating partners. This does not necessarily mean everyone using the site is looking for a committed relationship or that when they begin to correspond with someone through the site that they will cease all contact with other potential matches. 
 
It sounds to me like this man is interested in meeting; however, life sometimes gets in the way as it did with your missed first date. The two of you have yet to meet, so my best guess is he is not ready to commit to just corresponding with only you. How often are you sending him notes? If he is only responding some of the time, then this should be your first clue. Now, don’t get me wrong he could be busy, but writing him over and over might be part of the problem here. Let him reach out and be the one to reschedule the first date. Your answer will be found this way. If he does pursue a first date, then great, he is interested. If he does not make an attempt to reschedule, then it is time to cut your losses and find someone who is willing to have a first date with you.
 
Signed,
 
Gems from Jen

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I spoke to a guy a couple of nights ago for three hours. He said he was going to call this week. Should I call him? We had a lot in common, what should I do?
 
Dear Stacy,
 
Having a phone conversation for three hours speaks volumes about this guy! Three hours is quite a long time to talk to someone you have never met face to face; I can’t imagine you didn’t have a lot in common.
 
I’m wondering why you are not trusting about his promise to call.  My suggestion would be to send him a very brief email thanking him for a great conversation and you are looking forward to the next time the two of you speak.
 
If he said he was going to call, then trust that he will. If he doesn’t call within the week, keep your dating options open and find someone who is willing to follow through with what is said. Remember, actions speak much louder than words. 
 
Signed,
Gems from Jen

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