A friend of mine just announced her engagement on Facebook and after receiving more than 100 “Mazals” she posted a comment thanking everyone for their good wishes and stating that she had met her fiance online. This new thread then gained steam of its own with dozens of comments where many of her family and friends typed that they too had met their spouse online. It was a testament to what JDate and other sites strive to accomplish. My only issue was that people wrote it as if they normally don’t admit that they met their beshert online and seemed to only be doing so now because it was trendy. Listen people, the vast majority of singles are searching online and there is absolutely no shame in doing so. Own it and be proud of it, especially since you have pretty good odds of meeting your mate online.
“You can tell a lot about a girl by her selection of photos from her online dating profile,” he says to me after venting about a recent horrible brunch-date he paid for.
“From that picture, alone, you don’t come off as classy and intelligent as you are,” she (my mom) says to me after browsing through my JDate account and evaluating my personal profile.
They are both right. We often display the photos we believe make us look outstanding, as we’re always told it’s key to make a fast and memorable impression in our online dating profiles. But sometimes those photos don’t represent us correctly, or make us come off like we harbor the personality of someone else, someone who bears no resemblance to who we really are on the inside.
- Do: Post pictures that are flattering. Upload pictures that represent you at your best and that are true to your darling personality. Use pictures your mother would be overcome with glee to post on her refrigerator.
- Don’t: Make yourself come off as a party animal, or a half-dressed floozy, if you’re not at all like that. Though you may think you’re sending a “cool” vibe, you may be turning off the “right” people.
Read more Jen Glantz, here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com
After reading someone’s online dating profile and feeling enough of a burst of interest to meet them in person, you may find yourself on the steady track of getting to know them and seeing them weekly. But when is it time to finally connect with them, or easier said, be their Facebook friend, perhaps follow them on Twitter and begin to press the “heart” button on their Instagram photos?
Do: Wait to meet the person in real life before connecting with them across all or any social media platforms. If you’re able to figure out their first and last name before meeting them or after the first date, it’s fine to go ahead and innocently explore their profiles but don’t add them.
Don’t: Add that person on Facebook in the middle of your first date or before you have actually been out with them. If they ask you, before meeting you, to be your Facebook friend, consider going against that. It’s never a good idea to have someone look through years of your online information and photos before meeting you. Let the majority of their first impression of you be made in person, if possible.
Read more of Jen Glantz: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com
Online dating would be much better if people just started chatting with each other like they were talking in real life. Eliminating the creepy or the overly flirtatious first messages and replaced them with something respectable and conversational.
I hope you wouldn’t walk up to someone at a bar and give them a wink face or compliment their looks, before even saying hello or introducing yourself. Treat your online dating messages in the same fashion, please.
- Do: Make the person feel special. Spend the same amount of time (or more) that you’re allocating to browsing their photos to read their profile. Find out their interests and what it is that makes them stand out. If you sprinkle that throughout the message, the person will be more inclined to respond and give your profile a read.
- Don’t: 1) Copy a message you sent to one person, and then paste it into an email for several others. This shows you’re mass messaging people on the site and no one wants to be another victim of your messaging spree. People want to feel special. 2) Send a one-word email. It’s hard to start off a conversation that way and shows that you didn’t take the time to read their “About Me” section. 3) Be negative. Telling the person you’re not a fan of online dating and your mom is forcing you to be on the site can make them feel bad about this process and also your intentions. Don’t start off a message in a way that makes them feel like you are forcing yourself to chat with them or take this process seriously.
Read more Jen Glantz, here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com.
How long have you been on JDate? Are you having any success? You might be asking yourself:
- “Why isn’t this working out for me?”
- “How come I can’t get a date?”
Let me tell you the story of my current client, let’s call him Jake… Jake had trouble with online dating and couldn’t get any dates. I tried so hard to figure out what the issue was. Finally, I said, let me see exactly what you are writing in your emails. 30 seconds, I found out the problem. It’s the same problem that causes many men to fail at getting dates when they meet women in person. Do you want to know what it is?
THEY DON’T ASK!
I know it sounds ridiculous, but it’s true. Over and over again, I see men refusing to take the initiative and ask for a date. In regard to online dating, it’s always better to go for a number first. That way you can have a quick phone chat and get to know each other better before you jump into making plans for a date. Either way, Jake wasn’t asking for the number either. Instead, he would message back and forth and back and forth. If you’re reading this and you haven’t gotten any dates yet, does this sound familiar? Have you asked a girl for her number yet? Don’t be afraid! That’s what online dating is all about. Message a few times and then go for it!
Back to Jake…
The next week after I gave him some advice, he came back and told me how he finally got his first date. How exciting! Instead of sending long messages back and forth with non-stop flirting that leads to nowhere, he finally went for it. The lesson here is to make the move. Women want you to. And the women who are using online dating sites are on there for a reason… they want dates!
Here’s a quick tip: After 2-3 message exchanges, ask for the number. She wants you to.
The internet gives us the best of times and it also gives us the worst of times. We can find out just about anything about the average internet user—AKA our new potential date. But how much information is too much information? How much intel is better learned through hours of in-person conversations and how much do we NEED to know beforehand?
- Do: look up someone briefly—just to make sure they are who they say they are. Search around until you have enough information to feel safe going out to meet this new person offline. Good sites to use for your search include LinkedIn, Facebook and Google.
- Don’t: Try to be an investigator. Don’t stalk through 5,000 of their Facebook photos, click around to find out information about their Ex, or waste too much time trying to find out every single crumb that makes them who they are. That’s what in-person conversation is for. It’s always awkward sitting across from someone, nodding your head and acting surprised when they tell you about how they were the varsity champion of their middle school soccer team—but you already know, because that’s how intensely you stalked them (guilty)!
Read more Jen Glantz here.
There are people who “try” online dating for a month or two, and then call it quits. They will go back and forth through a series of messages, venturing out from behind the computer screen for a date or two (which inevitably won’t go exactly as planned), and then decide enough is enough. They then throw in the towel and resort to living a lonely life of sinking into the creases of their living room couch, playing unlimited games of Xbox, and ignoring calls from Mom — because all she will nag about is why her kid is wasting their lives holding hands with a remote control. Here’s when you should give up… and when you should keep on, keeping on:
- Do: Give the online dating scene a chance. If it doesn’t work out, maybe take a short break, and come back to it refreshed and open to trying it out again. Sometimes it helps to just revamp your profile, or spend some time rethinking what it is you are looking for in a person and how serious you want to take this experience.
- Don’t: Go on one or two online dates and call it quits. Most first dates will be a little overwhelming or awkward, but that’s why there is sometimes such a stigma around first dates. Either decide to go on a second date with someone who has potential, or keep searching and corresponding with more people until you find someone else who sparks an interest in your head.
There is someone out there for everyone — the number of different types of online dating sites just reinforces that! Give it a chance, or two.
Read more of Jen Glantz here.
Though I spend the majority of my time during the day at the computer, especially writing emails, when it comes to remembering to answer messages on JDate I’m simply the worst. Sometimes I won’t write someone back, who genuinely intrigues me, for over 2 weeks. It’s a tendency of a forgetful mind that has me reading a lovely message, smiling, and then quickly being distracted into doing something else.
Do: Answer your messages as soon as you feel like it. Don’t even bother trying to engage in some “I have to wait 24 hours to respond game.” It’s responding to someone, not getting proposed to. There’s no harm in responding quickly and if they find that to be “unattractive” and like a girl they can “chase”, well then move on. That’s just bizarrely bogus and there’s no time for a person like that.
Don’t: Try not to wait an extended long period of time to write back to messages. Keep the conversation flowing and interesting. It’s also very easy to lose a conversation in an overcrowded inbox. Either keep a list of people you enjoy messaging somewhere else to remember to follow up, or respond once you have opened the message to ensure you won’t forget.
Read more of Jen Glantz here: www.thethingsilearnedfrom.com
Get an Extreme Profile Makeover
Tamar Caspi Shnall is giving online profile makeovers. This week she’s tweaking the profile for “Robbie.”
I know your initials are in there, but I’m not quite sure what else you’re trying to say with the rest of the profile name. Sayings and acronyms only work if everyone is in on the joke. I know you have a sense of humor, so definitely find a way to use it in your profile name but only if everyone will get it.
Great, consistent photos. Love the fun Mets picture and I’m leaning towards you making it your profile photo as it shows your personality. You’ve done a great job with close-ups, (almost) full length, smiling and serious photos. I would add another photo or two with something funny happening or doing an activity to round out the collection.
IN MY OWN WORDS
Pretty good answers here. So far. You talk about your humor and your love of movies but there’s a lot more to learn about you which you should add to the ABOUT ME section. Where are you from? What kind of childhood did you have? Parents/siblings/nieces & nephews? Where did you go to college? These are a few nuggets of information which give some insight into your background without revealing too much details that should otherwise be left to correspondence and first date conversation.
I would recommend answering the rest of the questions (What I Learned from Past Relationships, My Perfect First Date, A Brief History of My Life — which is where the info I mentioned above belongs).
Everything here looks good except for the few “not answered yet” questions, particularly AGE RANGE and HAS/WANTS KIDS. Those are important questions to answer. You’re on the younger side being in your mid-twenties and that makes the age range narrower than it would be in your thirties and forties. I doubt you want someone who isn’t old enough to drink, so I think 22 should be your minimum and 28 should be your maximum right now. It’s narrower than I typically like, but it’s appropriate until you move into your late 20s (if you’re still single then). Finally, you state that you want kids so it makes sense to select “yes” when asked if you want to meet a woman who wants kids. Unless you feel strongly about a woman having children right now, then it’s okay to leave that blank but it’s even better to select “doesn’t matter” so that you don’t have blank spaces.
There is a language for love and then there’s a language for finding love online—both, I whole-heartedly believe, take trial and error, and countless embarrassingly syntactical mistakes to master. But when learning how to present yourself and tame your feelings for a person you have just scrolled upon online, there is a certain etiquette to foster if you want to rendezvous in the real world.
Just like it took me some time to understand when to use the “Poke” button on Facebook (which is never), it also took me a bit of time to understand when to use and when to respond to messages in my JDate inbox that are “Flirt Messages,” (the standard template of one-liners JDate provides users).
- Do: Send a “Flirt Message” if you want to make someone smile, for a second, to show that you are thinking about them or interested. Follow up with a personal message that showcases a bit of your personality, and above anything else, that you took an extra couple of seconds to browse more than just their selection of glamour shot photos.
- Don’t: Use it as a cop out and send someone a “Flirt message” over writing your own personal note to them. Remember, your first message to someone doesn’t have to be a novel of questions or a five-paragraph essay. It can be a simple remark about something that caught your eye about them on their profile. Your chances will skyrocket that someone will respond back to a personal message over a standard template message.
Read more of Jen Glantz here.