There will probably come a point, during your online JDate dating adventure, when you grow somewhat tired. It’s past 2 am. You’ve been at your computer for eight hours straight. You’ve been chatting with girls, reading the hilarious and sometimes touching JBlog, and doing other ancillary JDate-related activities like reading JMag or playing the JGames or using the JCalculator.

The television has been on for hours, but you hadn’t realized that it’s still on until you finally notice that the conversation you’ve been having via instant message with a nice, Jewish girl in Milwaukee is a word-for-word replica of the Insanity Workout informercial that’s been playing since Comedy Central stopped its nighttime programming at midnight. “So you’re saying that all I have to do is run in place uphill as fast as I can for five hours a day, and I will lose five pounds in just one year?” I ask her. “Who are you?” she replies.

Okay so the point that I’m trying to make here is that it’s late and you’re tired. Though chatting online with nice women is fun, sometimes you need to go out. Since it’s the middle of the night, ‘going out’ could simply mean using the restroom or getting more soda. Really, though, I think that women can sense the fact that you’ve been on the computer for a third of a day, and that you do this on a regular basis. Women are born with an innate sense of, well, sense. That’s why, though JDate is great, you should go out sometimes. Or buy a book about dating. Or both.

They say 1 in 5 relationships start online, but I think it’s more when it comes to the Jewish community. I know way too many couples who met on JDate® to believe that it’s only 20%. It’s gotta be way more at this point, when you start counting from Generation X and onward (ie. the ones who are both technologically savvy and who were also the ones single when JDate began). I have more than a few cousins and know more friends than I count who met on JDate. If I actually did the math, I’m almost positive it would be more than 20%. But still, I like the publicity of the general statistic because it normalizes online dating. Guess what? Online dating IS normal! If you’re Jewish, single and not on JDate, then what are you waiting for?

What happens when you schedule a date with a girl via JDate and you see her in a social setting before the scheduled date? You only know what she looks like from her profile pictures. You had big plans to devote a lot of time and energy to prepare yourself before you allow her to see you. You were going to set aside five hours to doing nothing but showering and layering on deodorant, Axe® body spray, and more deodorant.

Now, you’re thrust into a situation you did not see coming. All you have to do is make sure she doesn’t see you and get out as quickly as you can. Of course, she looks in your direction at the exact moment you are awkwardly staring at her to make sure she isn’t about to turn around. Damn.

First, you smile back casually and hope she doesn’t recognize you. Second, you can tell she recognizes you because she smiles and waves and strangers don’t do that in real life unless you’re in Utah. You now have to acknowledge her and somehow convince her that you look this crappy all the time. You don’t want to get close, to her, though, because you just ran a mile in order to ironically look better before you met her. What do you do?

I’ll tell you what I did last week. I pretended that I had a sudden, intense pain in my stomach, walked quickly to the bathroom, and stayed there for at least half an hour.

My main contact with the outside world? Spam. And it’s weirdly personal too. How do they know so much about me? ANDY… WANT TO ENLARGE YOUR EGO? I got that the other day.

ANDY… FIND YOUR MUCH, MUCH BETTER HALF! … Is it just me, or was that a slam?

ANDY, SOMEONE WANTS TO DATE YOU! What’s with the exclamation point? I guess even they can’t believe someone wants to date me.

So I figured, what the heck. It wasn’t JDate, but if they’re excited about somebody wanting to date me, I can at least show a little excitement too. I hit the URL they’d sent me, and it took me to a site that asked… LOOKING FOR LOVE? 3.5 MILLION SINGLES AWAIT YOU ARRIVAL AT DREAMMATES.COM! “You” arrival. 3.5 million and not one of ‘em can spell “your.”

Now, they’re telling me 3.5 million singles await my arrival. Right away, you figure half of those 3.5 million awaiting my arrival are the wrong sex. That would be men, by the way! So they’re telling me 1 & ¾ million guys are awaiting my arrival? How great can the women be if hundreds of thousands of guys are awaiting my arrival? JDate – I’ll never look at another dating site again.

Most people who know me often ask, “What is it you love so much about online dating?”  If you are so knowledgeable about the female mind and how to pick up women, why not just do it in person?

Well, here are my answers.  The following are reasons why I will always prefer online dating to any other form of meeting women:

1.  I’m lazy.

2.  What’s better than being able to pick up women while sitting in your pajamas scratching your stomach?

3. I can meet women any time of day or night.

4.  I get to shop for the perfect woman.

5.  Did I mention I’m lazy?

6.  There is less pressure.

7.  I’m sorry, did I mention I was lazy?

There you have it. 7 reasons I love online dating.  Okay technically five. But five good reasons!

I answered the IM but was in the midst of talking to another girl with whom I really felt a connection. Without realizing what I was doing, I think I set a date and time for a meetup with some girl I didn’t even realize I was talking to. When you subconsciously set up an entire evening with someone, and you just think you’re watching TV, it’s time to reevaluate your life. I did not evaluate anything, except for the fact that I knew that the man on the television could in no way eat a three pound cheeseburger.

The date that I planned thankfully didn’t materialize. I was still completely in love with the other girl I was talking to. When the girl I was ignoring texted me asking if I wanted to catch a movie, I accepted because I didn’t want to spend another Friday night watching TV in bed. We decided to meet at the movie theater lobby. I got there a little early, but surprisingly was not nervous at all. I really didn’t give much, if any, thought to this girl who was currently secondary to that other girl. Oh the other girl, I’m glad I eventually never met you.

The theater lobby was crowded. I suddenly looked to my left. She was standing right in front of me. All of my anxiousness and insecurities came flooding back in an instant when I saw her. I didn’t know what to say, and I had no idea why. Usually when I get nervous on a date, I start talking loud and fast. She was not what I had expected at all, and we were both yet still to speak.

I really did not expect to see what I saw. She was beautiful. Not in the sense that her prettiness made me feel giddy or even that I was sexually attracted to her. It was more in the sense that I just felt comfortable and safe. She ultimately didn’t want to go out on another date. That is probably good, because I probably would have eventually ruined something great and obsessed about it for the next ten years.

Wow, that story is extremely sad. It’s probably best to bury the experience into the back of my mind. That, global warming, and my parents’ divorce will all get resolved sometime in the distant future. That is, if there is a future.

All my life I have been told the same thing over and over.  Stop slouching.  Sit up straight.  Blah blah blah.

As an adult this constant nagging of my mother still scars me.

But one thing is for sure, body language does play a critical role when dating.  And as someone who has suffered from fidgeting and self-diagnosed ADD his whole life, it was an even bigger adjustment for me.  But make no mistake.  Body language is important and will send signals to the opposite sex.

If there is one thing I have learned in life it is that women notice everything.

Here are a few reminders for your first date…

• Stand tall and walk with your shoulders straight like an alpha male would.
• Don’t slouch at the dinner table as it will make you appear childish.
• Make sure you don’t fidget with whatever is in front of you.  This will unintentionally mark you as nervous.
• Be confident with how you touch your date.  A confident arm around the shoulder or slight touches on the arm, hand, and appropriate areas of the leg will go a long way.
• Make eye contact.  Eye contact is key to showing you are a confident guy that has no fear of any woman no matter how beautiful.

Seem obvious?  Some of them are.  That doesn’t mean we don’t frequently make these mistakes regardless.  So get into good habits and watch your dating life improve.

Normally I just provide online dating advice to men, but this blog entry goes out to the men and women out there.

For women who are online dating, life can start to feel extremely overwhelming, very quickly.  Within days of signing up, most women are likely to have dozens and dozens of messages.  For some, dozens is a grotesque understatement.

And for men who are more advanced at online dating and have thoroughly learned the secrets to attraction, receiving tons of emails will become frequent as well.

The problem lies in the fact that it is extremely tough to keep up.  In fact, you will find yourself talking to so many people at times that it almost feels as if you are not talking to anyone.  All the different faces just become one big blur.

My advice?

Pick one day where you are going to send out all your first emails for the week.  I personally prefer Sunday.  Choose 10 to 12 people.  Out of those, if you are following my advice properly, you should receive between 7 and 10 responses.

Out of those seven, narrow it down to three by the end of the week.

We can’t make time for everyone out there.  Our goal with online dating should NOT be to date as many people as possible, ladies, or hook up with every girl you meet, guys.  Our goal should be to be selective.  And by setting up the right online dating profile, putting up the right pictures, and writing the perfect emails, being selective will be an option for us all.

So don’t overwhelm yourself.  Just narrow it down and stop talking to so many people!

Those that are familiar with my work are well aware that I frequently write on the subject of “looks” in regards to online dating.  I frequently am found making the argument that how good looking we are really doesn’t matter when it comes to building attraction with women online.

The other day I received a letter asking for online dating help.  In this letter I was asked the question, “Do looks really not matter?”

This question is not black and white.

Looks do matter.  However, how good looking we are doesn’t matter.

What this means is, women care what we look like, but this does not mean we have to be extremely good looking.  Women care more about our overall appearance, not how aesthetically pleasing our natural looks are.

The truth is, any man can become attractive to a woman with a simple makeover.  The right haircut, the right style, and carrying yourself the right way will boost your looks dramatically.

However, this makes us attractive to women for the opposite reasons than you might expect.  Improving yourself in these ways sends signals that we know how to take care of ourselves, can be taken around her friends, and are socially acceptable.

These qualities are qualities that do build attraction in the female mind and consequently, make them think you are better looking.

Learning the female mind is the key to being successful with online dating.  Lucky for us, there are 10 different ways to attract a woman, all providing evidence that the looks we are born with are not that important.  This makes our lives much easier!

The many faces of Mel

From my experience working with clients (and as an online dater myself!), I know a lot of people find some frustration in choosing the best pictures to put up on their profiles. What pictures should I put up? What should they say about me? What order should I put them up in? (Meaning, which one should be the “main” profile picture?)

Hopefully this article will help answer some of your questions, and, just for fun, I put up some of my JDate pics too, as a reference.

First of all, I recommend that everyone have at least three pictures. One should be a semi-close up of your face, another should have some/most of your body in the picture and, finally, one should be a little bit quirky, or, a picture that tells something about you in less than the thousand words it would take to explain it (a picture is, after all, worth a thousand words…)

If you look at my pictures, you’ll see that picture #1 is a good “headshot” type picture. It’s not too close up yet not too far away and most importantly doesn’t have anyone cropped out of the picture. That is the number one flaw I see in a lot of pictures: don’t crop someone out, especially if you’re standing cheek to cheek or close enough where it is obvious. With the ease of use of digital cameras and the improvement of cameras on our mobile phones, there’s no excuse for you to not have at least one decent picture of yourself, by yourself. I chose that picture because I’d done my hair (for once), put on some makeup (I was going to a wedding) and looked relaxed, not too posed. Avoid those uber-posed glamour shots! And, to add on to the “cropped photo phenomenon” — unless you write that the person is your brother, sister, cousin, best friend, etc. — try not to have a picture with another person, especially if it looks very “couple-y” and might deter someone from messaging you.

Picture #2, that’s my quirky picture. You’d be surprised how many Android fans are out there on JDate who messaged me simply because of that silly little mug I’m holding. It says “something about me” (mainly, that I need caffeine in the mornings and that I rarely brush my hair…but nonetheless, it‘s not a typical picture!) Yours could be after running a marathon, playing the guitar, snuggling with your puppy, cooking in your favourite apron…whatever.

Finally, picture #3. That was taken in one of those funny little booths at an event and it does a great job of being a good “body” picture and a funny one as well. If you’re wondering why I mentioned that it’s important to have a body shot somewhere on your profile, here’s the explanation: much like people want to determine if they’re attracted to your face, body type also matters. I’m strongly against ab shots (haha), but a lot of the time, you can tell how someone takes care of themselves by their body and at the end of the day, if they go on a date with you, they’re going to know what you look like. It’s not necessarily a good thing, but I’ve had clients tell me they wouldn’t go on a date with someone because the pictures in their profiles were too ambiguous. As shallow as that sounds, most of the time it’s not the “few extra pounds” that matter, but people tend to like people who are in a similar type of health lifestyle than they are. I always say that everyone is gorgeous but not gorgeous to everyone. In short, post your best side of yourself but don’t hide!

My last bit of advice about photos is to keep them slightly updated. 1-3 months old is a-ok if you’ve not changed much in your appearance. As someone who frequently changes her hair colour, I have to update my photos pretty regularly.

Happy dating!

Got a question? Comment below or send Mel a private e-mail here.