They say 1 in 5 relationships start online, but I think it’s more when it comes to the Jewish community. I know way too many couples who met on JDate® to believe that it’s only 20%. It’s gotta be way more at this point, when you start counting from Generation X and onward (ie. the ones who are both technologically savvy and who were also the ones single when JDate began). I have more than a few cousins and know more friends than I count who met on JDate. If I actually did the math, I’m almost positive it would be more than 20%. But still, I like the publicity of the general statistic because it normalizes online dating. Guess what? Online dating IS normal! If you’re Jewish, single and not on JDate, then what are you waiting for?
What happens when you schedule a date with a girl via JDate and you see her in a social setting before the scheduled date? You only know what she looks like from her profile pictures. You had big plans to devote a lot of time and energy to prepare yourself before you allow her to see you. You were going to set aside five hours to doing nothing but showering and layering on deodorant, Axe® body spray, and more deodorant.
Now, you’re thrust into a situation you did not see coming. All you have to do is make sure she doesn’t see you and get out as quickly as you can. Of course, she looks in your direction at the exact moment you are awkwardly staring at her to make sure she isn’t about to turn around. Damn.
First, you smile back casually and hope she doesn’t recognize you. Second, you can tell she recognizes you because she smiles and waves and strangers don’t do that in real life unless you’re in Utah. You now have to acknowledge her and somehow convince her that you look this crappy all the time. You don’t want to get close, to her, though, because you just ran a mile in order to ironically look better before you met her. What do you do?
I’ll tell you what I did last week. I pretended that I had a sudden, intense pain in my stomach, walked quickly to the bathroom, and stayed there for at least half an hour.
My main contact with the outside world? Spam. And it’s weirdly personal too. How do they know so much about me? ANDY… WANT TO ENLARGE YOUR EGO? I got that the other day.
ANDY… FIND YOUR MUCH, MUCH BETTER HALF! … Is it just me, or was that a slam?
ANDY, SOMEONE WANTS TO DATE YOU! What’s with the exclamation point? I guess even they can’t believe someone wants to date me.
So I figured, what the heck. It wasn’t JDate, but if they’re excited about somebody wanting to date me, I can at least show a little excitement too. I hit the URL they’d sent me, and it took me to a site that asked… LOOKING FOR LOVE? 3.5 MILLION SINGLES AWAIT YOU ARRIVAL AT DREAMMATES.COM! “You” arrival. 3.5 million and not one of ‘em can spell “your.”
Now, they’re telling me 3.5 million singles await my arrival. Right away, you figure half of those 3.5 million awaiting my arrival are the wrong sex. That would be men, by the way! So they’re telling me 1 & ¾ million guys are awaiting my arrival? How great can the women be if hundreds of thousands of guys are awaiting my arrival? JDate – I’ll never look at another dating site again.
Most people who know me often ask, “What is it you love so much about online dating?” If you are so knowledgeable about the female mind and how to pick up women, why not just do it in person?
Well, here are my answers. The following are reasons why I will always prefer online dating to any other form of meeting women:
1. I’m lazy.
2. What’s better than being able to pick up women while sitting in your pajamas scratching your stomach?
3. I can meet women any time of day or night.
4. I get to shop for the perfect woman.
5. Did I mention I’m lazy?
6. There is less pressure.
7. I’m sorry, did I mention I was lazy?
There you have it. 7 reasons I love online dating. Okay technically five. But five good reasons!
I answered the IM but was in the midst of talking to another girl with whom I really felt a connection. Without realizing what I was doing, I think I set a date and time for a meetup with some girl I didn’t even realize I was talking to. When you subconsciously set up an entire evening with someone, and you just think you’re watching TV, it’s time to reevaluate your life. I did not evaluate anything, except for the fact that I knew that the man on the television could in no way eat a three pound cheeseburger.
The date that I planned thankfully didn’t materialize. I was still completely in love with the other girl I was talking to. When the girl I was ignoring texted me asking if I wanted to catch a movie, I accepted because I didn’t want to spend another Friday night watching TV in bed. We decided to meet at the movie theater lobby. I got there a little early, but surprisingly was not nervous at all. I really didn’t give much, if any, thought to this girl who was currently secondary to that other girl. Oh the other girl, I’m glad I eventually never met you.
The theater lobby was crowded. I suddenly looked to my left. She was standing right in front of me. All of my anxiousness and insecurities came flooding back in an instant when I saw her. I didn’t know what to say, and I had no idea why. Usually when I get nervous on a date, I start talking loud and fast. She was not what I had expected at all, and we were both yet still to speak.
I really did not expect to see what I saw. She was beautiful. Not in the sense that her prettiness made me feel giddy or even that I was sexually attracted to her. It was more in the sense that I just felt comfortable and safe. She ultimately didn’t want to go out on another date. That is probably good, because I probably would have eventually ruined something great and obsessed about it for the next ten years.
Wow, that story is extremely sad. It’s probably best to bury the experience into the back of my mind. That, global warming, and my parents’ divorce will all get resolved sometime in the distant future. That is, if there is a future.
All my life I have been told the same thing over and over. Stop slouching. Sit up straight. Blah blah blah.
As an adult this constant nagging of my mother still scars me.
But one thing is for sure, body language does play a critical role when dating. And as someone who has suffered from fidgeting and self-diagnosed ADD his whole life, it was an even bigger adjustment for me. But make no mistake. Body language is important and will send signals to the opposite sex.
If there is one thing I have learned in life it is that women notice everything.
Here are a few reminders for your first date…
- Stand tall and walk with your shoulders straight like an alpha male would.
- Don’t slouch at the dinner table as it will make you appear childish.
- Make sure you don’t fidget with whatever is in front of you. This will unintentionally mark you as nervous.
- Be confident with how you touch your date. A confident arm around the shoulder or slight touches on the arm, hand, and appropriate areas of the leg will go a long way.
- Make eye contact. Eye contact is key to showing you are a confident guy that has no fear of any woman no matter how beautiful.
Seem obvious? Some of them are. That doesn’t mean we don’t frequently make these mistakes regardless. So get into good habits and watch your dating life improve.
Normally I just provide online dating advice to men, but this blog entry goes out to the men and women out there.
For women who are online dating, life can start to feel extremely overwhelming, very quickly. Within days of signing up, most women are likely to have dozens and dozens of messages. For some, dozens is a grotesque understatement.
And for men who are more advanced at online dating and have thoroughly learned the secrets to attraction, receiving tons of emails will become frequent as well.
The problem lies in the fact that it is extremely tough to keep up. In fact, you will find yourself talking to so many people at times that it almost feels as if you are not talking to anyone. All the different faces just become one big blur.
Pick one day where you are going to send out all your first emails for the week. I personally prefer Sunday. Choose 10 to 12 people. Out of those, if you are following my advice properly, you should receive between 7 and 10 responses.
Out of those seven, narrow it down to three by the end of the week.
We can’t make time for everyone out there. Our goal with online dating should NOT be to date as many people as possible, ladies, or hook up with every girl you meet, guys. Our goal should be to be selective. And by setting up the right online dating profile, putting up the right pictures, and writing the perfect emails, being selective will be an option for us all.
So don’t overwhelm yourself. Just narrow it down and stop talking to so many people!
Those that are familiar with my work are well aware that I frequently write on the subject of “looks” in regards to online dating. I frequently am found making the argument that how good looking we are really doesn’t matter when it comes to building attraction with women online.
The other day I received a letter asking for online dating help. In this letter I was asked the question, “Do looks really not matter?”
This question is not black and white.
Looks do matter. However, how good looking we are doesn’t matter.
What this means is, women care what we look like, but this does not mean we have to be extremely good looking. Women care more about our overall appearance, not how aesthetically pleasing our natural looks are.
The truth is, any man can become attractive to a woman with a simple makeover. The right haircut, the right style, and carrying yourself the right way will boost your looks dramatically.
However, this makes us attractive to women for the opposite reasons than you might expect. Improving yourself in these ways sends signals that we know how to take care of ourselves, can be taken around her friends, and are socially acceptable.
These qualities are qualities that do build attraction in the female mind and consequently, make them think you are better looking.
Learning the female mind is the key to being successful with online dating. Lucky for us, there are 10 different ways to attract a woman, all providing evidence that the looks we are born with are not that important. This makes our lives much easier!
Many people that struggle with online dating continue to struggle for long periods of time.
They mainly struggle for one of two reasons. Either they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again and refuse to seek help, or they are seeking online dating help from the wrong people.
The only way to improve something that is broken is to fix it by learning the correct way to fix the problem. If you don’t take the time to learn, things will not change.
However, some people attempt to learn online dating advice, only to find themselves struggling the same as they were before, if not more.
This is because most people who provide online dating advice are writing things that sound good in theory, but either have little real world value, or they are only writing articles because it is their job and they need to fill a deadline.
My recommendation is to learn from the best. Find people you know that have been highly successful. Research people who are acclaimed with positive feedback from people whom have used their systems and ideas.
Learning from the best is the only way to get better. So weed out all that online dating advice and start making some genuine progress.
So many men seeking online dating advice come to me with the same story…
They go out on a first date…
Everything seems to go absolutely perfect.
They have fun, enjoy good conversation, there is heavy flirting, some casual kisses, and even planning for a second first date that takes place..
And then NOTHING.
The girl disappears, never to be seen again.
So what on earth happened?
1. We may not be being honest with ourselves. But if the date resulted in kisses (Pending they weren’t over the top sexual) and plans for a second date were made, odds are that it probably is not that and the date did actually go well.
2. The female is just flaky, plain and simple. One of the problems that is inherit with online dating is that it creates a strive to find absolute perfection. Women just never ever stop getting new messages. They may have even received 20 new messages since the time your date ended, to when your first phone call was made. Some of these women just keep dating new people no matter how good their first date was because they are always looking for something better that may not be out there.
My advice, just go with the flow and don’t start building houses with white picket fences until you are sure you found one that is ready to commit! It may just not always be your fault!