Have You Met…

by Aaron under Date Night,JDate,Judaism,Online Dating,Single Life

As we near an important time in our heritage, the holiday of Passover, the time comes around for us to think about new beginnings. Nisan is the first month on the Jewish calendar, and it represents spring and reinvention. If Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are our judgment, Passover is the time to really create a new you.

The one thing we underestimate however is just how difficult it is for any one person to do that alone. I know I constantly try to improve my social abilities and other areas of my life, but almost none of those are possible in a world where I am 100% responsible. Sometimes I don’t feel like making plans, sometimes I need expert advice from outside my knowledge base, and sometimes I simply wouldn’t do things like skydiving or volunteering in Israel completely alone.

As we begin our new year, I’ll draw from something that just ended to explain a bit better. One of my favorite parts of the show How I Met Your Mother was the awesome game of “have you met Ted?”. As Barney Stinson introduced Ted Mosby to women neither party knew, the ice was broken just a little bit by the two people having some vague reason to talk.

For the sake of being a decent person, that probably isn’t the best method of helping your friends meet people. But what I would suggest for your coming year, whether you are single or otherwise, is to help others a bit more in the realm of dating. As anyone reading this blog can probably attest to, it’s not easy out there alone. The good news is, we all know different people, and in an age where you have dating apps that let you click “yes” or “no” through masses of people, a personal touch is always nice. Try to think of two people who might work together in your life, or even easier, bring someone around who may be new to the rest of your social circle. It’s not easy out there, but if we all suit up to help each other, everyone stands to have a legendary year.

Have a very happy Pesach everyone, and feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments!


The Seder

by Adam under JBloggers,JDate

It’s Passover. You’re at an unfamiliar Seder with unfamiliar people. In fact, it’s probably a young professionals Seder for the people who couldn’t really go home to mother, father and a bevy of home-cooked food.

You think to yourself, “This is going to be another awkward Jewish event that I paid money for that could’ve gone to my Thursday kickball dues”. Then you realize you’ve boarded yourself in your room (other than work) after Florida Gulf Coast University ruined your bracket this weekend, and are probably in need of social interaction. Understanding this, you walk out of work, Gucci Man and Kid Cudi on repeat, and park at the synagogue/JCC/random rich dude’s house.

Upon arriving fifteen minutes late (Jewish standard time), you notice some new talent seated around the 75-100 person Seder table. This excites you, however you decide to sit next to David Goldstein, your go-to basketball-watching and gambling buddy, for familiarity reasons.

As the Seder goes on, you slyly check your phone every so often for work emails and to text your buddy across the room about this new talent.  Once the charoset and maror are passed around, you recite your Four Question checklist again:

  1. Why is this brown-haired, brown-eyed, well-dressed woman on my right different from all other women?
  2. Why does this brown-haired, brown-eyed, well-dressed woman on my right recline with such unbelievable posture? Is she a yoga teacher?
  3. Why does this brown-haired, brown-eyed, well dressed-woman on my right pop Kosher for Passover breath mints after every bite of the Hillel Sandwich  (charoset, maror, matzah)?
  4. What is the reason for this brown-haired, brown-eyed, well-dressed woman’s obsession with cats, tangerines and Duke basketball?

You then check your phone one more time to see if your buddy got any 411 on the ginger girl to your right, pick up your fork, and start eating your catered chicken.


Fear of Abandonment

by GemsFromJen under JBloggers,Relationships

Dear Gems from Jen,

I dated this guy for about two months, and although it wasn’t a passionate love affair, it was progressing in a good direction. I met his entire family for brunch on back-to-back weekends. His parents are divorced, so I met all four parents and his siblings. I definitely got the impression that they liked me and he did validate my thoughts by saying that he was glad that I came to brunch to meet his family. The change in how he viewed the relationship came on suddenly. I asked him to go to my home city for Passover weekend and he was a little hesitant. He then forgot that we had plans the next day. We have different energy levels and I am very social. Sunday, he said he was so happy that we spent the weekend together, and then Wednesday he sends me a text message that he can’t go to my home city for the weekend, because he is not up to it. I called him a half hour later and he ends it, because he thinks that he can’t keep up with me and that he is afraid he can’t satisfy my needs. He said that he can’t handle the possibility of falling in love with me and then getting rejected. He said, “I was out of his league and because I am so wonderful, he has to end things.” My friends initially thought this was not possible, and that ‘he was just not that into me,’ but after his actions since then, it is not clear what to think. He de-friended me two hours after he ended it, had his sister de-friend me a few days later, ignored my text message asking him to dinner to talk, and then de-tagged himself from every photo of us. I finally went to his house to talk to him and he said that he has a fear of abandonment and loss. The closer he gets to someone, the more he has to lose. He said he needed to end it before he fell too hard and then I left him. I have never dealt with this type of problem before. Is this a common issue and is there an easy way to avoid these types of men in the future?

Dear Fear of Abandonment,

Whatever his reasons may be for not wanting to see you any longer, count yourself lucky that you found out sooner rather than later. I know this is easier said than done, but don’t give him a second thought.  He is most certainly not worth your time or energy.

I cannot speak for all of the men out there, but, no I don’t think this is a common issue.  People do have fears of abandonment, but without the risk there is no reward. If everyone held back for fear of rejection and/or loss then everyone would be single!  In my opinion, men who are willing to take a risk are much more attractive.
I’m not sure if there is an absolute answer to avoid men who display this type of behavior, but there are some guidelines to follow. Only date men who display self confidence without being cocky. By this I mean, a man who is not afraid to share his emotions and is also interested in what you are feeling. Only date guys who are willing to do their fair share of the work in terms of the relationship. For example, a man who calls when he says he will call, a man who doesn’t leave all of the planning up to you, and a man who shows as much interest in you as you do in him.

Remember that you deserve to be happy and settling for anything less is doing yourself an injustice!

Signed,

Gems from Jen

Tags:

Got Wit?

by GemsFromJen under JBloggers,JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Gems from Jen,

I am a smart, funny, witty, attractive and uniquely interesting woman.  Those are the written words contained in the emails from men responding to my profile.

I am not boastful, but I need for you to get the picture so you can advise accordingly…I also share this so you can appreciate my depth of insight and objective clarity in relaying to you the facts of my perplexing experiences.
When writing to a prospective profile, I like to inject warmth, wit and a reference to something personal the gentleman has shared in his profile.

This usually yields an invitation to call him.

I do so within a day or two.

I receive a phone call—sometimes a week will pass— and the voice mail message inevitably contains an apology about his business.

I will call and/or write back and suggest a couple of dates and times to meet.

He says he will call towards the end of the week to firm up and is looking forward to meeting.

Then there is no call or another apology and an invitation for me to call him again.

This has happened at least 4 times and the chase is now leftup to me.

Because this has happened a few too many times, I now have short, but sweet email and only one phone call exchange.  Yet this mysterious male affliction persists.

I realize I am the common denominator, so I have brutally scrutinized my emails and conversations.

I am an entreprenuer and cold phone calls with interesting and witty banter are my fortay. This is how I earn my money.  I have asked for honest feedback and the concensus is a friendly, witty, intelligent, interesting and inviting demeanor is both projected and received.

The irony is these very same men complain that the women they speak to or email  will not commit to a face to face meeting!.

So this is my question—— why would a man buy a membership, upload a picture, write a profile, exert energy in email and phone call exchanges, truly sound sincere, excited and interested, only to fizzle away?

I check to see if they are still a member and sure enough they were last on the site an hour ago or a day ago.

I even asked this one guy who expressed his enjoyment with our our phone chemisty, why he would not right then and there, commit to a firm date to finally meet.

“Well, I have my daughter’s birthday party and next week is Passover so call me or I will call you.”
To which I retorted, “Are you sincere about meeting, please tell me the truth, I won’t be offended.”
He said, “Absolutely! Do you know how impossible it is to find a funny, intelligent, quick witted and pretty woman?..My apologies.  It’s just that I have been exceptionally busy, but I really do want to meet.”
It’s been 3 weeks.

I am not intimidated to initiate the original contact nor make a phone call.  Do they expect me to chase them?
I thought it was the male who was turned on by the chase. I don’t get it.
Do you?

Thanks for taking the time to read my sad and perplexing saga ;0)

Warmly,

Perdy Phunny.

Dear Perdy Phunny,

Does a woman chase a man? I think that is up to each individual to decide.  Do men like the chase? Absolutely, it makes them feel like a man. Do men with a low self image like to chase?  Perhaps not so much.  So where does this leave Ms. Phunny?  Scrutinizing every word she speaks or writes.

Did you ever stop to think that scrutinizing everything you say or do might be adding to your particular perplexing situation?  Asking men about their sincerity might make some men think twice about your ability to trust your own self-image. Men are attracted to women who are confident, but not cocky. A question of this nature posed to a potential date could have an adverse reaction to the way one might perceive you.

My suggestion: slow down! You are over thinking all of this. Be yourself.  Witty banter can only take you so far.  If you perceive yourself as witty then you probably feel the need to outdo yourself each time you speak or write. You are missing the moment if you are always considering your “next line.” Be comfortable with who you are and the witty banter will no longer be needed in your dating life. I agree, wit does come across as sounding intelligent, but it masks the authentic person behind the wit.

If a man is unwilling to commit to a meeting, then by all means move on to the next profile. Why waste your time? There are many men on JDate looking to meet live and in person.  Let the genuine you emerge and you will find men who are willing to commit to a first date.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

Tags: ,

The Pre-Passover Domestic Misadventures of Moi

by SweetLo under Judaism

You want to know why they have four glasses of wine at the Seder? I’ll tell you. Because after cooking that ridiculous meal all day, four glasses is the only thing that can bring a girl back to sanity. So, let me take you on a guided journey through my day– how lucky for you!

10:00 a.m.- Go to Trader Joes.
10:10 a.m. – Nearly face a head on cart collision in the produce section checking out a guy.
10:11 a.m. – Decide hot guys should not be allowed to shop for groceries before I’ve had my morning caffeine fix. Blame hot guy for my lack of coordination.
11:00 a.m. – Get to my grandmother’s to assume the role as the domestic goddess (that) I am.
11:11 a.m.- Finally find a vintage apron that matches my outfit and decide I’m officially ready to start cooking. I am the best thing since chopped liver. The Millionaire Matchmaker would totally agree.
11:42 a.m. – Decide chopping eggs makes me want a martini– heavy on the vodka, hold everything else.
11:59 a.m. – It has become evident that I will not be eating chopped egg, or other egg like products again in my life. Ever.
12:17 p.m. – Clearly I have earned a lunch break. Clearly. By this point my lunch could come in a grey goose bottle and I would be happy. I also enjoy my last carb concentrated meal.
12:20 p.m.- Bid a tearful goodbye to bread, and all bread-like products. I whisper rest in peace and forget these simple carbohydrates and the special place they hold in my heart. I also console myself by thinking of the fab five pounds I will be losing in the week to come.
12:52 p.m. – Start peeling potatoes.
12:56 p.m.- Manage to slice off almost an entire nail with my potato peeler.
12:57 p.m. – Start dialing 9-1-1 and then realize I might actually live. I am emotionally damaged and will probably suffer from PTSD for years to come, but I will live.
1:20 p.m. – Put a lame looking kosher-for-passover-which-means-it-tastes-nasty kugel in the oven.
1:28 p.m.- Reminded by my grandmother, armed with several four letter words, that wax paper is not oven proof.
1:29 p.m. – Take kugel out and rescue it from the grips of aforementioned evil wax paper.
1:30 p.m.- Realize oven mitts are, in fact, there for a reason.
1:31 p.m.- Stare down the oven. I won.
1:52 p.m.- Stir some concoction on the stove top; put cover back on pot.
2:08 p.m.- Pot bubbles over. Get in a fight with the stove.
2:09 p.m. – Lose fight with stove.
2:20 p.m.- Ask my grandmother if it is time for the first glass of wine yet. She says no.
2:52 p.m.- Decide G-d had it easy because all he had to do was split the Red Sea.
3:14 p.m. – Am no longer allowed near stove or oven.
3:42 p.m.- Attempt to make sure the brisket is awesome and is oh so worthy of Paris Hilton’s “that’s hot.”
3:44 p.m. – Am no longer allowed near sharp objects or any and all kitchen appliances.
4:00 p.m.- Wandering the desert for forty years with no kitchen in sight has never sounded so good.
4:15 p.m. – Completely exhiled from the kitchen. My apron has been retracted. I take comfort in the fact that my frilly apron does not match anyone else’s ensemble. I am now laughing at all the fashion slaves who only have time to make unleavened bread, and not coordinate outfits.
4:30 p.m.- Steal Elijah’s glass of wine. He didn’t have to spend all day in the kitchen.
5:00 p.m.- Eagerly await Seder and more importantly, dinner. Because clearly, I helped.

Chag Pesach Sameach! If Elijah is looking for his wine, tell him giving it to someone who REALLY needs it is a mitzvah.


It Would Have Been Enough…

by SWEETADVENTURE8 under JDate,Relationships

Over a year ago, fresh out of a long distance relationship with no holiday plans, I decided to give the JDate Puerto Rico trip a shot. Since I had never been to Puerto Rico and I love salsa and Latin influences, I figured how bad could lying on the beach in 80 degree weather with some MOTs be? Let’s just say I had low expectations.

Impetuously, I boarded the plane for Puerto Rico. On the first night, there was a big meet and greet dinner where a sweet, attractive, successful guy named David approached me. After several minutes of flirtatious banter, I was grinning…until he mentioned he was from California. Having just ended a bicoastal relationship, “LA David” was the last thing I was looking for – I wrote him off as “GU”– Geographically Undesirable.

The following day, as I met many new friends, I engaged in a variety of conversations, including a debate about the merits of the best baseball teams (White Sox, of course). My newest girlfriend was bewildered by my devotion to the White Sox, especially because her friend David (my flirting partner from the previous night) had expressed the same devotion and connection to the team. Based on some key elements of our conversation, she suggested David and I further get to know each other. Her reasoning?  “You are RELATED.” “Huh? I think I know who my family is.”  Well, apparently, I was wrong. It turns out, David was a third cousin I didn’t even know existed!

Fortunately, the upside was at that particular moment in time, I wasn’t open to long distance and didn’t even consider the possibility of David (in that light). The other upside? I met someone who has not only become a great friend, but someone special in my life that is part of my family tree.

Having 80 degree weather lying on the beaches with some salsa action Would Have Been Enough… But I was blessed and ended up meeting an amazing friend and cousin who I plan on having in my life for years to come.