What Else Can I Do?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I need help.
I have already added new photos, rewritten the “About Me,” the “Ideal” and “First Date” and “What I am Looking For.” I have changed the different search preferences many times and the same members are still coming up. I’ve even tried long distance but they did not work.
Here is the thing: I am allergic to cats, so I would think that a person who likes cats would not be a good match. I want children, so I would think that a person who doesn’t want kids would not be a good match. I do not drink or smoke, so I don’t think I would be a match with someone who does.
So what can I do?

Dear What Else Can I Do?

It sounds like you’re doing everything right (in theory) but you are frustrated and I wouldn’t be surprised if your frustration is coming across on dates or in your profile. Dating is a waiting game and patience is the most important skill in the field. I would have a trusted, honest friend review your profile. As you learn more about yourself and what you’re looking for you need to change your profile, it’s not something you can or should just do once.

In addition, you should be open to differences. I understand the cat allergy thing and kid thing and even the smoking thing, but would it really matter if someone liked to have a glass of wine? I always said that I would never date a smoker and then I married one. He’s quit smoking since, but I figured if that’s his only negative trait then I could learn to live with it. You’ve got to be flexible in dating, it’s not a mark of desperation but rather a show of maturity.

The best part is: You’re looking for help and you want to better your dating persona. Keep working on broadening your preferences, constantly updating your pictures and profile, and becoming more patient in the process.

Patience or Purgatory?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I haven’t heard from my boyfriend in a week and I don’t know what to think. He says he likes me… he even said he loves me, so I am very confused. We haven’t seen each other in the past month because he says he’s very stressed and tired from work as he owns his own business. He says it’s going to get better and has asked me to be patient. But I’m worried and need help to try to understand this. Thanks.

Dear Patience or Purgatory,

It sounds like your boyfriend is putting you through the emotional ringer trailing you along until you give up. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it doesn’t matter how busy someone is — if they like you they will make the time to call you and see you. He says he loves you… but this isn’t how you treat someone you love. You can continue trying to be patient, but you’re obviously at the end of your rope. There’s really nothing to understand: either you’re willing to be treated this way or you’re going to give him the old heave-ho and find someone who wants to spend time with you. My apologies for being so blunt, I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.

JDate No Date

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

No one on JDate will talk to me! Help! No one responds to my emails – I’ve tried keeping it short and I’ve tried elaborating, I’m not getting anymore “clicks” and no one wants to chat. WTF?! How do I fix this problem?! Lol. Please help!

Dear JDate No Date,

I can tell you’re really frustrated and I hope I can help. First, you’ve gotta shake off this recent dating downturn. Everyone goes through it at some point and it’s how you handle it that will make all the difference. Next, if you’re not a paid member I suggest you become one in order to maximize your chances. Change your preferences so that you’re searching for the categories that you would fall into and check out your competitions’ pictures and profiles to see what you are up against. Using what you’ve learned apply it to renovating your own profile and photos. While you’re at it, ask a trusted friend or relative to critique your profile honestly and bluntly and don’t take it personally. Even ask that confidant to critique your emails and IMs to potential dates to make sure you’re coming off the right way. And two final thoughts: One, make sure that your preferences are not too restricted and two, don’t give up, all dating lulls eventually come to an end so just have patience and keep at it and your luck will turn. Good Luck!

Back in the Game

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I’m ready to meet someone special and after a long period of self reflection, I’ve refreshed my JDate profile to try again.  My profile is packed with information and the best photos I have of myself. I’ve even recruited my good female friends, who know me well, to check my profile and make suggestions to show myself in the best light. My messages to other members are personalized, upbeat and I try my best to refer to something I find interesting in their profile, but I’m still getting almost no responses. It’s becoming discouraging and as my confidence is fragile, I’m losing heart fast. What else can I do to make a positive impact and encourage others to reply? I’d really appreciate some advice. Thanks.

Dear Back in the Game,

It sounds like you’re doing all the right things and have the right motivation, but patience and not letting rejection get the best of you are important traits to have in the dating game. You are getting some responses, so it’s not like your efforts are going unnoticed, but there are some things you need to be made aware of. For starters, if a JDate member is not a paid member that means she cannot access her mail and therefore, has no idea that you contacted her to begin with. Secondly, reassess your approach — are you coming on too strong too quickly? Did you repeatedly view, Flirt, Click!, Hot List, etc. before sending an email? Try using that approach first as it is similar to hitting on a girl at a bar (eye contact, smile, waiting for the hair flip, etc). Don’t give up hope and don’t stop trying — yes, you will get rejected but the more you try the better your odds will be at finding your beshert. Good luck!

Patience is a Virtue

by GemsFromJen under JBloggers,Relationships

Dear GemsfromJen,

I went out on a first date with someone who I met from JDate and we really had an awesome time, talking, kissing and hugging and it was really a very beautiful night. I asked her before she left, if she would like to go out the following weekend and she said ‘yes’ and said ‘I hope you think of me.’ Well, I have been thinking of her, let my guard down and am really intrigued by her. I called her two days later and also sent her a text just telling her I had a super time and she is a beautiful woman and that I’m looking forward to hearing back from her. How much time should I expect for her to call me and if she doesn’t, should I call her or just forget it and mark it up to a game?

Dear Confused,

This sounds like an amazing first date, Mazel tov! It seems to me that she is just as interested in a second date with you, as you are with her. Part of what happens when we meet someone we really like that our patience tends to run thin. Many people, just like yourself, become hyper-sensitive to the actions, behaviors, and words of the new and exciting person.  This is a common reaction and one that sounds as if it is being driven by your feelings rather than your mind.

Remember, patience is a virtue. I wish I could tell you when she is going to call, but unfortunately, I can’t.  My sense is she will call you back based on what you have told me thus far.  If she does not call you back within a few days, feel free to call her again. In this day and age many things can go wrong with voice mails, emails, text messages, etc. I’m not sure why you would even be considering chalking this up to a game. Stop yourself from putting a negative spin on this situation. Once you begin to do this it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You might react to her with anger because you have made a situation up in your mind, which in reality was never there. Stay positive and remind yourself of the great connection the two of you obviously shared!

 Gems from Jen