Dear Tamar,

I am so confused and frustrated right now. I met this amazing girl on JDate. We went on a date in NYC and the chemistry was great. I called her a few days later and left a message on her phone. I received a text saying she was feeling sick that weekend. I understand completely and wished her a speedy recovery. Since then I have not heard from her. I just don’t understand why there is no follow up. I want to call her badly but think I should wait till after this weekend. Something seems strange, maybe she had a change of heart? But so suddenly? Event to just talk to her on the phone would be great but I’m confused on why she hasn’t been in touch.

Dear Continuity Confusion,

Go ahead and call her. I hate texts, but if she was sick then I’ll give her a pass for not calling. Some women want to be pursued and if she wasn’t feeling well she may be waiting for you to call and see how she’s feeling. I think it’s a bit presumptuous to think she’s had a change of heart. On one hand it’s only been one date, on the other hand you’ve only made one phone call. Take the risk and put yourself out there and make that call!

I was on Facebook, catching up with “friends” when all of a sudden something caught my eye on the right side of the screen. It was a familiar picture listed under the “People You May Know” section and the name struck a chord. It was Greg, a guy I had dated pretty seriously in my mid-twenties until he disappeared off the face of the earth. Of course, by now I had gotten over Greg, the person, but what he had done to me had really hurt me and left a dating scar.

Greg and I met on JDate and spoke a few times on the phone before he took to me on an incredibly romantic first date. It was lunch at a really upscale restaurant on the water and afterwards we walked along the rocks. We made plans to see each other a few days later and soon enough we were seeing each other about twice a week except when one of us was out of town. When I hesitantly asked him if he would accompany me to a distant family member’s wedding he accepted without hesitation and was the perfect companion. We had a lot of fun together and even though we hadn’t had “the talk” there wasn’t any pressure or any doubt that we were headed in the right direction.

We had been seeing each other for two months when, for the first time, he didn’t call when he said he was going to call. I called him and, for the first time, he didn’t answer. I left a message but it was never returned. I waited a week and called again, no answer, left a message and never heard back. At this point I was beyond wary and wasn’t going to waste time stalking him but if he called me with a really good excuse I wasn’t going to give him grief either. He never did call and I never did see him again.

About a month later I ran into a mutual friend of ours and I asked her what was going on with him. She said she had recently bumped into him and his new fiancé. Speechless is not a strong enough word to describe how I felt at that moment. Chills went through my body, my heart started beating double time and I broke into a cold sweat. I don’t think I was asking too much for him to have simply called me after our last date and told me he had met someone and it was getting serious. That would have burned, yes, but at least it wouldn’t have as core-shattering as this news was.

I just don’t get why he couldn’t simply pick up the phone and break it off with me? Why would that be so difficult? I don’t care how non-confrontational someone is, it’s not like I could have slapped him through the phone (not that I would have) and he wouldn’t even have to look me in the eye. If I had started crying (which I wouldn’t have) all he’d have to do is end the conversation. It’s one thing to not call after a first date because it is, after all, just one date. But to completely disappear after two months of dating is rude and inexcusable.

You can lead a camel to water but you can’t make it drink. The same goes for men. I can deliver a Perfect 10 Jewish goddess to a man’s doorstep, but I can’t make him call her.

Such was the case with Lawrence. Lawrence is a great guy: besides being really nice and having good morals, he’s also a successful accountant who owns his own place, has a fantastic sense of humor and a nice head of hair. His only drawbacks are his height – a whopping 5’2 – and his age – 39. Neither make him a lost cause, but those stats have made it somewhat difficult for him on JDate. Luckily he’s open to being set-up… or so I thought.

I consulted my database of single friends and found one girl in particular whom I thought was beyond perfect. Marissa is tiny and petite, just barely 5 feet and probably 100 pounds soaking wet, in her early 30’s and besides having a thriving career as a therapist, she’s also a lot of fun. Her family is active in the community and has a reputation for being a group of super duper nice people. Feeling like I had hit this one on the nose, I started facilitating the match.

I told each of them about each other and they both sounded excited and receptive. I told Marissa that Lawrence would call her and she agreed to let me give him her number. So Lawrence has Marissa’s number… but didn’t use it. One, two, three weeks went by and nothing. I ran into Marissa and she asked what was up and I didn’t have an excuse. Lawrence said he was interested in her so why hadn’t he dialed her number? When I approached him about it, he said again that he would call her and again failed to with no excuse. At this point Marissa was done, she felt rejected and had written him off as a loser. I told Lawrence that, since he screwed up, if he was still interested then he needed to call her and keep calling her until she answered and agreed to go out with him.

What did he do with my advice? He texted her. I seriously could strangle him. Now I realize why he’s about to turn 40 and is as lonely as the last macaroon in the tin after Passover. Marissa was smart enough not to answer the text and I advised her to disregard it and to give him a second (third? fourth?) chance after he put forth some effort. Then I gave Lawrence specific instructions to call her and leave a message and then wait two days and call her again. We’ll see if that happens. I don’t know who is more frustrated – me or Marissa. I’ve now realized that the only person holding Lawrence back from being in a successful relationship is Lawrence himself. If he calls Marissa, I hope she will give him a chance after giving him crap for waiting so long. But I’m not ever setting Lawrence up with another girl just to hurt her feelings before he’s even met her.

When you meet someone on JDate set rules cannot be applied. I am a big proponent of using JDate as a means to an end (meaning if you are on JDate then you should use the website to meet someone in person not just waste time trading emails back and forth). At whatever point you offer up your phone number (I recommend almost immediately) the clock starts ticking down from 48 hours — that’s 2 days, which is the expected time frame you would call someone if you got their number after meeting them at a bar.

But if the other person isn’t ready to call or isn’t totally convinced you are worth it, then the digits will be ignored and another email will be sent in its place. This is not always bad, but you should set yourself a time limit for a phone call, and when plans should be made by, before abandoning ship. Concessions need to be made, whether it’s allowing a phone call after two days, accepting a first date in the middle of the week or overlooking typos in emails and text messages. Relationships need compromise to thrive, even if that means meeting halfway from the first day.

Dating is unfortunately filled with games and rules, playing “hard to get” being the biggest, but rules are made to be broken and you can’t always be so frigid and rigid when you’re single and desperately seeking. That means if a guy doesn’t call within two days, you shouldn’t automatically write him off. Now, I don’t believe there’s ever a good enough excuse with cell phones being glued to our heads nowadays, but sometimes a great guy deserves a “pass.”

This “pass” only works if you’re not sitting by the phone waiting and checking to make sure the ringer is on so you haven’t missed a call, or keeping your cell on vibrate in your hand during a movie just in case. This “pass” only works if you’ve been so busy working, schmoozing and, yes, even dating, that you didn’t notice the extra few days that elapsed between the time he asked for your phone number in the last JDate email and when he actually dialed it. The hope is that the guy was just as busy living his own life as you were living yours so he didn’t call until he had sufficient time to dedicate to speaking with you. Decide if you want to give him that “pass” but don’t let him know that. Be that easygoing gal that every guy says he wants. But do make a note of it in the back of your mind because if it happens again then it’s a problem.

More rules that were made to be broken next week…

So I have very different views than my best friend when it comes to phone versus text-versations. I absolutely abhor drawn out convos via dialing, and she hates reading the convos set forth through tiny screens. I guess dating etiquette dictates that when it comes to the first meet and greet, one should call to confirm before the date. But what if neither one of you want to chat? I guess your preference comes into play when figuring out the logistics of the date.  Also, ne should never assume that a call is needed to confirm. In this age of technological advancements you have to clear a path for communication before you get thrown a busy signal. When lines get crossed, try another form of talking and put in the effort before your somewhat significant other dials out of area.

Dear Gems from Jen,

I got an e-mail on JDate from another member who gave me his phone number. My question is should I have called him right away after receiving that e-mail or should I wait for him to make the next move by calling me first? I asked my mom and she told me to wait a day and see what happens and that if he is really interested in me that he would call me first or should I call him first?

Dear Phone Calling,

My question to you is; why would you wait to call this guy? He gave you his number and in my opinion that is your cue to pick up the phone and call him. I realize it can be uncomfortable for a woman to call a man, but he gave you the number which is a sure fire sign that he would like to speak.  Perhaps he felt uncomfortable asking for your number since the two of you have never met.  I know I would prefer to get the number rather than give out my number when only corresponding through email. Do yourself a favor and don’t begin a potential relationship by playing games. If you are interested in getting to know him better pick up the phone and give him a call.  Keep in mind that what worked for mom may not work for you.

Signed,
Gems from Jen