Unwelcome Advice

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Because of what I do for a living, many of my single friends – both male and female – are constantly asking me for advice. A lot of the time their family and friends have already offered unsolicited advice and now the singleton is more confused than ever. Some of the advice given makes me laugh!

My favorite is when Moms tell their kids to “stop looking and you’ll find someone.” Ummm, no. Actually, not actively looking is detrimental to your dating life. The amount you’re out there looking is directly proportional to how much you date. If you’re not on JDate or going to a Jewish singles event or accepting blind dates – or all of the above – then you’re not going to meet someone. People only meet on the subway or at the gym in the movies. Sure, it happens in real life every once in a while, but why sit back and wait for love to come to you? Instead, go out there and find it, otherwise you’ll be waiting a looooong time!

The other popular piece of advice people get that I can’t stand is to be a “challenge.”  If you play hard to get than how will you be gotten? I’m not saying to lay it all out on the line, but anytime you’re trying to not try too hard, you’re going to fail. When you pretend not to be into someone, your date is going to think just that – that you’re not into him or her. Pretending like you’re always busy will make the other person think you don’t have time and are not willing to make time for them.

If you’re offered advice without having asked for it or if you ask for advice but totally disagree with the answer, don’t get into it with the other person. It’s not worth it. Merely thank them for the advice and say that you’ll take it into consideration. Married people think that because they’re no longer single that they know it all (except for me of course!). But just because a technique worked for them doesn’t mean it will work for everyone else. Even dating experts such as myself get it wrong sometimes. You need to follow your instincts above everything else. All the dating advice in the world won’t matter when you meet the right person at the right time and just go with the flow and live in the moment.


Connecting Online

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I am 52 years old, was married for 22 years and now I am single. I would very much like to have a meaningful, passionate relationship. I just don’t know how to go about connecting with someone online. Whenever I find someone I’m attracted to I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to come off being too forward or too aggressive. I don’t enjoy playing games, I just want to be honest about how I feel. What would you advise me to do when I want to make a connection with someone online? How should I approach the individual? I want to be smart about it. Thanks!

Dear Connecting Online,

Thank you for your very eloquent letter. You could basically post a version of your letter as your “About Me” paragraph which would attract the right type of people. See my example:

I am 52 years, was married for 22 years and now I am single. I would very much like to have a meaningful, passionate relationship. I don’t enjoy playing games; I just want to be honest about how I feel. I don’t want to come off being too forward or too aggressive but I’m not sure how to go about connecting with someone online. (And then add more about yourself: your character traits, hobbies and what you’re looking for in a mate.)

The same goes for any email you send a potential date. Let them know that you are new to JDate and have a hard time ensuring that your real personality comes through online but that you think you would enjoy each other’s company because of x, y, and z reasons. Your email doesn’t have to be too long or too detailed. Keep it short and sweet and you won’t have the chance to come off too forward or too aggressive. Once you meet in person I believe you’ll be more comfortable so try to get off-line and in-person as soon as possible. Good Luck!


Middle Aged Meltdown

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I met someone a few days after he ended a long term relationship. This man is in his 50s, has been divorced for a decade and has had several long term relationships.  We met and there was an instant click…the likes I never had before. He also did not expect to meet someone he liked so quickly. We go on a few dates a week, have daily communication and intimacy. Now he is slowing down and creating space because he says he’s not ready. He says he likes me very much, doesn’t want to cut off communication and wants to see me. I won’t be intimate if I know he is dating and may possibly be intimate with someone else. Should I just say goodbye and have no contact with him? I feel like I am a contestant on “The Bachelorette.” I have been married, had long term relationships and have dated a great deal. This is the first man I truly connected with. That is why it is so difficult. It’s hard to believe I am middle aged and dealing with this. It’s frustrating because this man clearly doesn’t know what he wants…or is scared of it.  Thanks for reading.

Dear Middle Aged Meltdown,

It seems that men never change, right? Middle aged and as you said, he still “clearly doesn’t know what he wants or is scared of it” and you’re suffering because of it, just like you probably did in your teens and twenties! I hate to advise someone to play games, but I think this is a case of a man not knowing what he’s got ‘til it’s gone. Let him know you need to move on since he can’t make up his mind and cut off communication. Either he’ll come running in a few weeks (which I’d put money on) or you’ll unfortunately have to face the reality that you really do need to move on because he’s not ready, doesn’t know what he wants, or possibly doesn’t feel the same way you do. Good Luck!