Sustaining an Erection after an Election

by Adam under Entertainment,JBloggers,JDate,Online Dating

“Why?”

While bartending last night, this was the question posed to me by a 25-year-old Libertarian congressional candidate, who spent a year of his life trying to promote himself and his message, only to garner less than 5% of the vote, as he sobbed over a whiskey and coke, unsure of his next steps. Why, even though the aspiring politician barely managed a blip on the congressional results, was he continuing to speak with constituents, and fervently articulating his unconventional ideas well into the night?

“How?”

My parents have gone through three kids, layoffs, disagreements, drama, and tragedy, yet have still managed to stay together for over 25 years. How, in a society where relationship distractions number ten times what they were when my parents were growing up, have my mother and father managed to sustain their relationship?

“What?”

This is the question many of you ask yourselves as you scan potential matches on JDate.  What am I looking for in a potential relationship/activity partner? What compelled me to sign up for an online dating site? What happens if every match is a failure?

“Will?”

How do you sustain your political erection, in light of severe election disappointment? How do you sustain your “erection of love” within your relationship, besides with the use of Viagra? How do you sustain your erectional (yes, I made up that word) drive after countless dating mishaps, which have you believing in your eternal residence in the land of singledom?

What keeps an unfunded entrepreneur creating 20 hours a day? What keeps a couple together for 60 years, after their kids are moved out and established? Why, even in the event of a string of bad dates, does someone continue to subscribe to an online dating site?

Desire.


My Vote

by JeremySpoke under Entertainment

The election is in two weeks, and I know that I will have to go to a polling station and place my vote for president. I am really nervous because every time I vote for president, the country gets worse. I first voted for president in 2004, and the country was doing pretty poorly. I thought that by placing my vote, I would stop America from being horrible. Then, the country got a whole lot worse, and in 2008, I voted again, hoping that we would not descend into a hell on earth. However, this is exactly the place we descended. Regardless of who I vote for, and who wins the election, in four years, America will be engulfed in fire and we will all be burned alive.

Voting is important and blah blah blah, but what would happen if not one person voted? I’m sure there’s something in the Constitution detailing that situation, but I’m curious, and I don’t want to do a Google search for this. Maybe if nobody voted, God will descend from the heavens and give everyone a million dollars and a Toyota Corolla and everything will be perfect. Of course, this will cause inflation to skyrocket, as well as increase emissions and car accidents. Didn’t think of that, did you God?

Let’s look at how the presidents that have served since I’ve been of voting age compared to my life’s trajectory during that time period, regardless, or maybe because of, political parties. When Bush was president, my life was spiraling out of control. I was overweight and suffering from a complex variety of anxiety and OCD-related issues. Days blended together in a haze of hamburgers, television, and sleep. Obama campaigned on a promise of ‘Change.’ While I have no idea if he accomplished that politically, my life took a 180 degree turn for the better over the past four years. Now, I don’t want to vote for Romney because I have friends, and I don’t want to vote for Obama because I have parents. I wish I wasn’t so easily influenced by people.

Also, I don’t want to have to live with my decision. No matter which candidate I vote for, we’re all going to die. I don’t want that blood on my hands. On the same token, I can’t live with the knowledge of knowing that I did not vote. Therefore, I think that my only solution is clearer than it has ever been. I should get blistering drunk, have a friend drive me to the voting booth, and force me to vote. I will have no memory of who I voted for, yet my friend will assure me that I did.

I hope that something drastic happens within the next two weeks. I want Obama to give us all the meaning of life, or God to descend and give us all Toyota Corollas.