under Date Night
If you’re not on JDate, and you’re not going to singles events, and you’re not going to Jewish events, and you’re not letting people know you’re interested in being set-up, and you’re not going out at night with friends… then you can’t blame anyone else for your singledom because you’re not making the effort to change your own fate.
If you are going on dates with a wall built taller than you could metaphorically reach, and you aren’t letting your date get to know you, and you are walking into a date expecting it to go bad… then you can’t blame anyone else for your singledom because you’re not making the effort to change your own fate.
The phrase “fake it ’til you make it” comes into play here. Being single is tough, but you can’t let prospects know that you are fed-up and frustrated with dating. You need to smile and put yourself out there and pretend like you don’t mind your current circumstances until they change.
under Date Night
As I said in Monday’s post, let’s forget about the negative connotation of “baggage” and call it “your story” instead. But, how do you turn it from negative to positive?
You need to get to a place from within where your story becomes that amazing thing called life that has made you who you are. You get there by accepting your past and your current situation, and then embracing it. Then you need to figure out how to spin it so that it adds confidence and character. By spinning it, I don’t mean lying or manipulating the truth, but seeing the silver lining in all of your life experiences — what you learned from them, or who it brought into your life, or how it changed your life for the better.
You cannot change the past, but you can change your attitude about it moving forward. You do not want a date to feel pity for you with a sob story, so get to the point where you realize that you are the amazing person you are today because of your story, and then tell your story as an adventure. It’s called life. You can live it or let it happen to you.
under Date Night
With all the holiday parties coming up, what should you do to stand out — and what tactics should you not employ?
The best way to attract others is to be happy, to enjoy yourself, and to laugh. Dress to impress — look good, feel good. Show your confidence and exert yourself. But don’t go overboard trying to get attention.
A woman I saw last night, who was being loud, had clearly been drinking too much, and was dressed provocatively, showing way too much skin. Unfortunately, she was only attracting the type of guys who were looking for a hookup. Her tamer girlfriends, meanwhile, were on the edge of the scene and enjoying the company of some great guys.
On the same note, a guy I noticed last night who was commanding the room with his lewd jokes, cussing a lot, and flirting with girls he clearly wasn’t interested in as a joke, was turning off all the women in the room. Even his guy friends were slowly putting distance between themselves because they wanted to meet quality women, and those women were not drawn to their friend’s spotlight.
Be respectful of yourself and others. Be positive, put out positive energy, and you will attract positive people — both friends and more.
Being on JDate is not enough. Your attitude about being on JDate needs to be in line as well. If you have a JDate profile which wreaks of someone who thinks they’re too good for JDate or if you go on dates and talk badly about JDate then you aren’t doing yourself any favors. You are on JDate because you’re Jewish and single and want to find your beshert. And guess what? So are the people you are meeting on JDate and chances are the people you are meeting in person are also on JDate. Having a negative attitude about doing something everyone else is doing — whether you felt “forced” to or not — is going to come through your words whether on paper or spoken. Use the JDate statistics to get excited about the very real possibility that you can meet your beshert here and search more than 500,000 members at any given time; read the hundreds of success stories to pump you up and then reread your profile again to make sure it shows your excitement and hope.
You know when you start off the day feeling great, and then someone rains on your parade, and instead of brushing it off and putting a smile on your face and continuing on with your day you let the nastiness bleed into your entire day and domino effect until the date you were excited about is suddenly not looking too promising anymore.
Aside from the fact that you let someone or something ruin your entire day, you are now about to let that same negativity affect your first interaction with a stranger whom you are interested in romantically. Does it feel good to sometimes take your stress out on the nameless, faceless customer service representative on the phone whom you will never meet nor speak to again? Sure. It’s wrong, but sure, it feels good for that instant. This date doesn’t have to be an instant though. Don’t let your ugly attitude stop there from being a second date.
You have to put things into perspective. Are you going to allow one bad run-in ruin what could be your first date… and last? You have got to shake off any negativity before you enter into a date. Adjust your attitude. Since you hope to spend your life being happy, then why not exude the happiness you want in your life while on a date. You don’t want to spend a first date bonding over the bad. Just because it’s still a form of bonding doesn’t mean you can build a relationship on it.
The act of smiling sends positive signals to your brain that you’re happy and can change your attitude. Doing some yoga breathing, taking a shower, having a tough workout, or venting to your best friend are all things you can do prior to a date so that you aren’t bringing the bad attitude with you.
under Date Night
My friend Julie had an awful day yesterday and in turn it possibly ruined her promising JDate last night. It started off with a bang, literally. Someone started setting off illegal fireworks in the street at 3am waking up a sleeping Julie. After finally falling back asleep an hour later, she slept through her alarm and was late running out the door. After driving 45 minutes in rush hour traffic she arrived in court to find out the case was being continued. Finally when she got back to her office there was a message waiting for her from one of the law firm’s partners asking her to come and see him. Since there wasn’t a reference as to what the meeting was about, Julie became very nervous and started biting her freshly manicured nails.
The partner told Julie they need her to start taking on more responsibilities. Julie is already swamped at work with files stacked over her head, and she works longer hours than anyone else – even newer associates! Needless to say she became aggravated and chewed her way through ten nails worth of polish. Her lunch order was delivered wrong, except of course she didn’t discover it until it was too late, and then she got a text from her mother telling her a close family relative was in the hospital. Whew!
By the time Julie left work, the office was empty, and she had to run home to freshen up for the JDate she had previously been extremely excited about but now was dreading. She had thought about canceling but ran out of time during the day to call, so now she was stuck going on the JDate in a terrible mood, with no energy and barely enough time to roll on some fresh deodorant. Julie called me on her way and I gave her a pep talk. I reminded her how excited she was about this prospect – his qualities, hobbies and looks, all of which she was attracted to. I told her to start with faking a smile while she was talking to me since smiling sends a message to your brain that you’re happy and this will cause her negative mindset to turn positive. By the time she arrived at the restaurant, I think she was in a better mood, but it still wasn’t going to be the best representation of who she is.
So what can you do when you’re having a bad day and are supposed to go on a date? You can try and reschedule – simply call early enough in the day, explain that your day is sucking and you want to be at your best for the date and see if he or she is available later that week. If you can’t reschedule for anytime soon, let your JDate know you’d rather see him or her sooner rather than later and you’ll just try and turn your day around and that you look forward to the date ending your day on a better note. If, like Julie, it’s too late to reschedule, then try to at least see if you can push back the time of the date so you have time to go home and freshen up, maybe take a quick soak in the tub to decompress or a cold shower to wake you up, definitely reapply deodorant and change your clothes. Try to separate business from pleasure and remember: your life partner is going to have to support you through thick and thin, so there’s no reason to pretend your life is perfect. Try to keep your description of your bad day to a minimum and get back to getting to know each other discussing fun, positive topics.