under Date Night
Did you receive an email, text, or (hopefully) a phone call today asking you out on a date this weekend? Kinda last minute, right? I mean, even if you are available, should you admit it and accept the offer? Does that make you seem too eager? Or, are you matching the momentum?
Well, it depends…
If you only met on JDate earlier this week and you’ve been exchanging emails and you’re making plans, then keep the momentum going and accept the date. After all, you both are free, so why not make plans with each other?
If you have been chatting here and there over the course of more than a few weeks, making and canceling plans, texting sporadically, and basically being as non-committal as possible, then perhaps pass on this one. You can counter with an offer to get together the following weekend to see if they are serious about going on a date or not, otherwise it sounds like they ran into Friday without plans for the weekend and are looking to fill it.
And lastly, if you don’t see this prospect with a serious potential future, but there’s attraction and you have nothing else to do, then say yes and enjoy yourself. However, be aware of two things: 1) be open to actually liking this person because it could happen, and 2) make sure you don’t hurt their feelings if they like you and were hoping for more.
When you’re making plans for a date – whether you’re doing the asking or being asked – it’s imperative that you be flexible. If she suggests sushi, don’t make a gagging noise. If he suggests coffee or drinks rather than a meal, don’t sigh. If she suggests the newest, trendiest, most expensive restaurant, don’t audibly roll your eyes. And if he suggests a midweek date, don’t grunt or guffaw. Being flexible is an admirable and sought after quality. It doesn’t mean you’re desperate for a date anytime or anywhere but rather that you’re open to trying new things and willing to compromise – both attributes we desire in a mate.
Sure the ladies love a guy who tells them to get dressed up to go out on Saturday night – Prime Date Night – to a fancy-shmancy restaurant where he can impress you with the fact that he was able to finagle reservations. But a gal should be just as comfortable and excited to be in jeans at the greasy but delicious hole-in-the-wall neighborhood joint on a Thursday night because your date knows that’s when they have a special and delicious delicatessen that’s not on the menu.
If it’s your first phone conversation ever the last thing you want to do is come across as snobby or inflexible by heeing and hawing over every suggestion. If it’s a second or third date and you know her favorite food is sushi then take her there even if it means you order an overpriced teriyaki chicken dinner. Just don’t make an icky face or yucky noise when the raw fish arrives at your table. If you want to add some fun and interaction and spice up a date go to Gyu-Kaku or another type of restaurant where you can order the food and cook it together.
As I mentioned last week, I’m allergic to onions but even I would be willing to go to the Blooming Onion if that’s where my husband wanted to go because I know there’s going to be something on the menu I can eat. There’s something you can order everywhere you go even if it’s just the house salad with grilled chicken, so there’s no need to be difficult by rejecting every restaurant suggestion your date makes.
I met a guy on JDate a few years back who was allergic to this, that and the other. He couldn’t have anything with gluten, he was vegetarian and he was allergic to nuts. I asked him how he ever left the house, forget about eating in a restaurant. Needless to say he wasn’t my Beshert. In his case, he needs to make the phone call and ask out his date with a list of a few restaurants already in mind which he knows has food he can eat. And he shouldn’t mention all his allergies until they’ve ordered and even then he ought to do so in a self-deprecating manner. Thank goodness he didn’t list his allergies in his profile!
You can take turns on dates being the one picking the place – if it’s a flop you’ll be able to tease your date from then on. If you’re making plans via email or instant messenger it’s even more important to not make a sarcastic comment about the food or the service or what have you because so much gets lost in translation online. “LOL” only gets you so far. Don’t be a doormat – if you ate Chinese food last night and don’t want it again, it’s okay to say so. Some couples will bond over both being food snobs but for the most part nobody wants dinner to turn into restaurant wars – this is the situation where you want to be easy and not a challenge.
My question would be how to handle rejection and how to have more than two dates with a female?
Dear From One Date to the Next,
Rejection is going to happen no matter how hard we try to avoid it. Once you figure out how to gracefully handle it you will also be able to better digest it. If you are rejected on JDate, meaning before you ever meet, just brush it off and move on. You don’t even have to respond to those types of emails. If you’re rejected while on a date, then take what I used as a way to ease the awkwardness — ask if you could both keep each other in mind for a friend who may be better suited for them — and follow through because you never know who you could meet! If you’re rejected by phone after a date then say “I’m sorry it’s not going to work out between us but I wish you luck on your journey” and then get off the phone.
In order to land the coveted third date make sure you follow up with a phone call within 48 hours of the second date and ask the girl out for Prime Date Night, as in Saturday night. Have a nice restaurant in mind and let her know what the plans would be, keeping in mind things she has said she likes from your past two dates. A girl wants to know that you’re thinking of her and are going out of your way to make her feel special.
The question about not receiving a cell phone number and not hearing from a guy on the weekends made me think about girls who don’t get asked out for Prime Date Nights (PDN).
Meeting for a drink after work, or for lunch in the middle of the workday or for coffee on a Sunday afternoon is first date protocol nowadays. People don’t want to make a huge time commitment before they’re sure the other person is worth it.
Second dates can go either way. Ideally, Friday or Saturday night would be nice, but sometimes sooner rather than later is better and that may mean Thursday night, or Monday lunch or Wednesday Happy Hour. Try to feel out each other’s schedules before taking the time of the date too personal. If he mentioned he was going out of town or she mentioned she had a work conference, then accept the date you’re asked out on for the time being.
By the time the third date rolls around, if he’s still asking you out for the weekday or she’s still insisting on a weekend afternoon, then there’s definitely some commitment-phobia (or other sketchiness) going on. By the third date, PDN — that means a nice dinner out on Friday or Saturday nights — should apply.
PDN is often seen as a night people who are in relationships (i.e. those that are past the dating stage and are in the boyfriend/girlfriend stage) go out. It’s seen as a “serious” date night, automatically upping the ante from casually-getting-to-know-you to on-the-way-to-“commitmentville.” But if a girl is worthy enough of your time to continue going out with and getting to know than why not give her the respect of asking her out for a PDN?
By the third date it simply doesn’t make sense not to and there’s no longer any valid excuse. So, my advice is to casually mention that you have a busy week ahead of you and that you’re free Saturday night. If he doesn’t get the hint, then the blunt truth of the matter is that he probably is dating other people and has already given the PDN slot to someone else. That’s a tough fact to swallow, but it’s the current reality of dating and you should be filling your dance card, too. And if you still wants to date a guy after that, proceed with caution.