Being TOO Honest

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

You should (must?) be honest in your profile, but there is such a thing as being TOO honest. If you are truly just a few pounds overweight, just select “athletic build” or “average” and leave it at that. You do not need to address your weight (ie. I just gained 10 lbs because I had a broken foot, I’m usually much thinner), let your photos speak for themselves. If you are a Democrat, you don’t need to discuss in your profile why you would never in a million years date someone who voted for Romney. It may be true, but it’s TMI. If you are 3 credits short of a Master’s degree but haven’t finished yet because of work/health/etc then you make the decision of whether to put BA or MA for what level of education you have, but no one needs to hear the details. Frankly, until someone gets to know you, they don’t care. All that detail does is make someone think that you are high maintenance, dramatic, and just too much to deal with.

Remember KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid) if you want a kiss!


The Cougar Who Isn’t

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Tamar -

I’m 41, divorced, with 2 girls, very satisfied in my career, self sustaining, etc. and hope to meet someone really nice – after a really bad divorce (not mentioned in my profile).

The problem is, the majority who contact me on JDate are 25-35, have no kids, are single and are only looking for the cougar Mom to have great sex with.

I’m not the cougar type (tried it once…not for me), really trying to find someone nice that I can have a relationship with and build a relationship with.

Do you have any advice?

Thank you

 

Dear The Cougar Who Isn’t,

I read your profile and I think you did a great job addressing your divorce without addressing it: “My past relationships gave me my two gorgeous children… and for that, I am grateful…..”. I think you did a great job with the 6 photos showing you from different angles. I would delete picture #3 as it looks like an older photo and is not consistent with what looks like more recent photos. I would also delete #4 as it shows you having fun, but looks awkward. Take more active photos to replace these with. The remaining 4 photos are consistent and clear.

As for the content, I think your profile is well-rounded and eloquent. In your answers you repeat yourself a lot and I know you are trying to get your point across but it’s an obvious copy&paste so either reword or delete those paragraphs. And I know you don’t want boys looking for cougars, but I’d pull back on your “what I don’t want” list at the bottom of your profile.

Additionally, I would change your age range. I don’t think 35-44 is right for you and what you’re looking for. I would shift your age range to 38-46 for starters, maybe even as high as 48. I believe adjusting your age range and making your profile flow better will be a good start to finding the type of quality men you’re looking for.


New Member Needs

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating

Dear Tamar,

HI!  I am new to JDate – I have been a member for about 6 weeks and I am not getting much response.  I do not know what is wrong, and I assume it is something in my profile.  I cannot get any positive feedback from anyone online and do not know who else to ask. Any advice you could offer would be appreciated.

Dear New Member Needs,

Thanks for providing your screen name so I can check out your profile and give you feedback. I’m going to start with the photos. The first one is great! Bravo on that! The second is just a close-up of the sixth photo, which I think is better because it shows your body type which is important, so eliminate the 2nd photo. The 3rd and 4th are cute but the 5th is questionable. I know it’s you and your Mom, whom you talk about in your profile, but it’s obvious that it’s dated and to be honest it’s difficult to garner much from it because of the distance.

Regarding your About Me paragraph I would leave out the part about your Mom and save that for when you’re actually on the date. I know it must have been a difficult part of your life, but it’s a downer. This line: “Another is cooking. I have been told I am quite good at it…” should be changed to: “Another passion is cooking. I’ve been told I’m quite the chef and look forward to proving it to you.”

I like what you said in My Ideal Relationship and My Past Relationships. My Perfect First Date is fine, but I would edit I’m Looking For from: “Well-educated man, money is not important, intelligence and education are – once an educator always an educator. A very close second is a man who is faithful. Honesty is a must. Funny is always enjoyable. A man who likes to have fun!” to something along the lines of: “a well-educated man who is also intelligent (two different things). Money isn’t important. Honesty is. I’m looking for a faithful man who can make me laugh and likes to have fun!”

I like that you’re open to all marital statuses, but I would extend your age range. You’re willing to go 10 years younger but only 5 years older? Why not 10 years on each side then? Can’t hurt, right?

Once you’re done editing, add two new photos to replace the ones you’re eliminating. Take new ones this weekend (have a friend snap away, get different angles including full body) and start doing some Flirting. Write me in a few weeks and let me know how it’s going!


Stuck On What To Say

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I do not like writing about myself. I do not like what I wrote in my profile. I am not one to blow my own horn, and therefore I get stuck when I do not know what to say about myself. Please help!

Dear Stuck On What To Say,

Unfortunately with internet dating you need to become your own PR firm. You need to get comfortable talking about your achievements, your goals, your past, your dreams, and even your faults. Ask some friends to help you by listing some of their favorite traits about you and write your profile from their point of view including the fact that you have a hard time tooting your own horn. It’s okay to be shy and humble but you want to make sure you’re not coming across as snotty or like you’re hiding something. Make sure you’re not only asking questions but answering them as well. Try to look at it this way — your date wants to get to know you just as much as you want to get to know him. And you’re not going to be interested in a guy who’s profile didn’t say much about him, so make sure you don’t make the same mistake. Just because you talk about yourself in high regard in your profile doesn’t mean you’re conceited and you can prove that once you’re on a date – but you’ve got to get the date first and you need to sell yourself in order to do that.


JDate Profiles are Getting Beta

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

The NEW and IMPROVED JDate Profile is Beta Than Ever!

After perusing the latest tools on JDate I feel like the programmers read my mind. I remember wishing for things like this back when I was JDating®. Check it out, because now you can:

You can make notes (Y=Yes, N=No, M=Maybe) to help you keep track of who you’re interested in so you don’t have to get distracted by the Matches that don’t interest you. That too short or too old or too weird person won’t get in the way anymore! That girl who is cyberstalking you? Check N and you can more easily ignore her! That guy who has preyed on your girlfriends and has a reputation for being a player? You don’t have to pay attention to him anymore!

My favorite new addition is the history. When you check someone out you’ll be able to see what interactions you’ve already had with each other. I vividly recall not remembering if I had already exchanged emails with someone or not and then having to scramble to click on my emails, flirts, etc to see if I had. Now you’ll know right away. So that guy who cuts and pastes his emails and then forgot he wrote you and then sent you the same email again 4 months later? You’ll know it right away… and better yet, he won’t send the 2nd email because he’ll know he already spammed you! (Imagine my shock when my girlfriend showed up with the perpetrator at a party! I didn’t have the heart to tell her about his JDate shenanigans. Luckily they stopped dating a few months later.)

Finally, photos are larger — and therefore more clear — than ever. This means you need to add new, higher resolution photos since they’re being broadcast twice the size they are now. That photo that you grabbed off of your friend’s Facebook account and then cut yourself out of? It isn’t going to work as well anymore. Ask your friend to email you the original or take some new ones. Make sure you take a look back at your profile to make double check how your photos are appearing to the world. If they are too grainy or that pimple is suddenly visible, delete and find a new one.

 

 


Back on JDate Again

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I have been on and off this site for 10 years, and have not had much success. I have changed my pictures and rewritten my “About me” which is who I am, my first and ideal date, what I am looking for, and what I have learned from the past. Yet, when I write it seems I go all over the place? I was wondering if someone can help me? Thanks!

Dear Back on JDate Again,

The key of writing (or rewriting) your JDate profile is to take your time. Don’t sit down to sign up and try to finish it all in one night. Copy the questions into a blank document and spend a few days writing and editing. Make sure you’re focused, concise and use spell check. Allow a trusted and brutally honest loved one read it over and take their advice. Don’t change your profile too often otherwise you may come off as sketchy by people who are interested but haven’t yet made contact. Spend time reading other people’s profiles to see what you like and don’t like, what would appeal to you and what wouldn’t, and make sure you don’t use too many cliches.


What Else Can I Do?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I need help.
I have already added new photos, rewritten the “About Me,” the “Ideal” and “First Date” and “What I am Looking For.” I have changed the different search preferences many times and the same members are still coming up. I’ve even tried long distance but they did not work.
Here is the thing: I am allergic to cats, so I would think that a person who likes cats would not be a good match. I want children, so I would think that a person who doesn’t want kids would not be a good match. I do not drink or smoke, so I don’t think I would be a match with someone who does.
So what can I do?

Dear What Else Can I Do?

It sounds like you’re doing everything right (in theory) but you are frustrated and I wouldn’t be surprised if your frustration is coming across on dates or in your profile. Dating is a waiting game and patience is the most important skill in the field. I would have a trusted, honest friend review your profile. As you learn more about yourself and what you’re looking for you need to change your profile, it’s not something you can or should just do once.

In addition, you should be open to differences. I understand the cat allergy thing and kid thing and even the smoking thing, but would it really matter if someone liked to have a glass of wine? I always said that I would never date a smoker and then I married one. He’s quit smoking since, but I figured if that’s his only negative trait then I could learn to live with it. You’ve got to be flexible in dating, it’s not a mark of desperation but rather a show of maturity.

The best part is: You’re looking for help and you want to better your dating persona. Keep working on broadening your preferences, constantly updating your pictures and profile, and becoming more patient in the process.


Prolific Profile

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

Not sure if my profile is good enough? Really don’t know what to write. I am not getting any mails and if I do it’s from old men or very young guys like in their 20′s. I just changed my picture and will be adding more later today. What should I wear in these pictures? Please help me to write a new profile as well so that I will hopefully attract quality men ages 40-52.

Dear Prolific Profile,

I would start with writing that you’re interested in men between the ages of 40-52 both in your profile and in your “what are you looking for?” section. I know you’ve selected those years as your age range in the preferences section, but it won’t hurt to drive home the point as long as you don’t write in an obnoxious way. In your “About Me” paragraph write that you’re looking for a guy between 40 and 52. Then in the “I’m Looking For A” write “Did I mention that I’m looking for a guy between 40 and 52?” Make it cute but make your point.

As for your photos, you want to look young and fresh even though you say you don’t want to attract the 20-year-olds. Your first photo should be a close-up so get a facial if necessary and apply your make-up so that it looks natural and accentuates your best features. The next picture should be from the waist up in a shirt that shows some skin but not too much…in this case less is more. Your third picture should be a full body shot with form-fitting clothing to show your shape. Don’t hide your body… there’s plenty of men who like every type of shape. The key is to make sure your pictures look like you, but your best you!


New Profile!!!

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

JDate has unveiled the beta version of the new profile makeover and it’s going to make your time on JDate easier than ever! Your excuse that you don’t have time is no longer plausible because JDate is doing the dirty work for you! Not only can you see all the photos nice ‘n big without having to go to the next page but JDate tells you right away what you have in common and lists what items are most important up front. That means no more searching for height, parental status, smoker or not or job and education — those non-negotiables are front and center so you can see if you’re a match right away.

The added scroll of photos at the t0p means it’s more important than ever to have your main photo be an eye catcher. That means it needs to be a close-up so people can see your face in a tiny thumbnail, it shouldn’t be a profile view or have anyone (or anything) in the pic with you. We want to see your face! No sunglasses, no hats, no dark photos without flash. You need to stand out in a sea of people. You have so many more options to post photos, save the underexposed one with your dog standing by the tall tree for option #4.


Repeat JDater

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I’ve been on JDate before and received plenty of interest in the form of IM’s, emails and the like. I’m back on this site for a third time, and I am getting no replies to my profile. Everytime I log in my inbox is empty and I get no messages when I’m online. Moreover, when I email or IM men whose profiles I like, I don’t get any responses! Is there something I can do about my profile to make it better? I’m starting to lose confidence (and hope!) because of this! Anything you can suggest would be very much appreciated!

Dear Repeat JDater®,

Sorry you’re not having any success this go ’round. I’m sure you’re totally frustrated but try to look at your profile from a different perspective. If you’re not getting ANY messages or responses than there’s something immediate that’s turning men off instantly. Actually, that’s an easier fix than most. This means your main photo may not be showing you in the best light or your first sentence may be off-kilter. Change those 2 things up and use a trusted friend’s opinion and approval beforehand and I’m sure your luck will change. In addition, take the opportunity to make sure the men whom you’re trying to attract are appropriately suited for you in age range and other categories.