The Cougar Who Isn’t

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Tamar –

I’m 41, divorced, with 2 girls, very satisfied in my career, self sustaining, etc. and hope to meet someone really nice – after a really bad divorce (not mentioned in my profile).

The problem is, the majority who contact me on JDate are 25-35, have no kids, are single and are only looking for the cougar Mom to have great sex with.

I’m not the cougar type (tried it once…not for me), really trying to find someone nice that I can have a relationship with and build a relationship with.

Do you have any advice?

Thank you


Dear The Cougar Who Isn’t,

I read your profile and I think you did a great job addressing your divorce without addressing it: “My past relationships gave me my two gorgeous children… and for that, I am grateful…..”. I think you did a great job with the 6 photos showing you from different angles. I would delete picture #3 as it looks like an older photo and is not consistent with what looks like more recent photos. I would also delete #4 as it shows you having fun, but looks awkward. Take more active photos to replace these with. The remaining 4 photos are consistent and clear.

As for the content, I think your profile is well-rounded and eloquent. In your answers you repeat yourself a lot and I know you are trying to get your point across but it’s an obvious copy&paste so either reword or delete those paragraphs. And I know you don’t want boys looking for cougars, but I’d pull back on your “what I don’t want” list at the bottom of your profile.

Additionally, I would change your age range. I don’t think 35-44 is right for you and what you’re looking for. I would shift your age range to 38-46 for starters, maybe even as high as 48. I believe adjusting your age range and making your profile flow better will be a good start to finding the type of quality men you’re looking for.

Cell Phone Photos

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating

Your photos are old. Your photos don’t look like you. You haven’t taken a good photo since you created your JDate profile. You haven’t snapped a shot of yourself with your new facial hair/bangs/without your braces/clear skin/etc. Forget the reasons, forget the excuses, it’s time.

Go freshen up. Shave. Put on make up. Brush your hair. Whatever you need to do to look your best.

Grab your cell phone.

Go to the mirror.

Start snapping photos from different angles, with different lighting, making different facial expressions. Keep snapping away. Don’t stop snapping. Now go upload those photos to your laptop and send them ALL to one trusted friend/relative.

Pick a few that you like the best and compare with the ones your friend likes the best. Whichever are the ones that overlap, use them as your JDate photos.

Do it now.

Making Mistakes

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

You view a friend’s JDate profile, and it’s a train wreck, yet they don’t want to accept a word of your advice. You see a friend falling for a scumbag, but they don’t care about your opinion. You watch a friend walk to the chuppah to meet Mr. (or Mrs.) Wrong, but they don’t want to hear one word of caution from you. Should they? Some people have to make mistakes on their own to learn life lessons. It doesn’t matter if you went through THE EXACT SAME THING, they need to figure it out for themselves. And don’t you dare say “I told you so” afterwards. Would you have listened? Probably not.

I had a serious boyfriend when I was 20, and he wasn’t Jewish. My parents didn’t guilt me or pressure me; they just let it play out. I got seriously heartbroken… and I kept dating goys. My parents made jokes here and there, but they let me go on my journey. Were they surprised I didn’t find my Beshert until I started dating Jews? Probably not. But they kept it to themselves. They knew their opinions would do nothing but alienate me. So when my younger friend Jessica was following in my footsteps, I shared my story with her as a subtle way to show her what I thought I was the right path. Ultimately Jessica chose her own path and is happily married to her non-Jewish Beshert.

People have to do what feels right for them, even if you can foresee trouble ahead, you need to let them do their thing.

All Hallow’s Eve

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating

Halloween is fun: we get to dress up and pretend to be someone (or something) else — usually a sexier, sluttier version of whatever costume we choose. And playing pretend as if we’re back in grade school allows us to let loose and have a heckuva lot more fun than we usually have in our normal doldrum lives. It’s a win-win situation. Too bad there aren’t more opportunities to get out of our own heads. Whatever you dress up as tonight, take some great photos that show you having a ton of fun and add one to your JDate profile. It’s the perfect chance to capture your silly side for all to see!

Decoding “Cute”

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating

The adjectives you use to describe yourself in your profile can be more harmful than you may know. The worst word a female can use to describe herself is “cute.” It simply doesn’t illicit a positive response. “Cute” is translated into meaning unattractive, just as “curvy” is translated into overweight. Babies, puppies and stuffed animals are cute. A personality can be cute, but you should find other words to describe your looks. Use a thesaurus if you must.

My friend Mike started chatting with a girl on JDate® who didn’t have a photo but described herself as “cute.” Mike made the rookie mistake accepting “cute” as a description from the girl herself! Now, as I mentioned earlier, attractiveness is subjective, but when Mike asked her to send him a photo, she made up excuse after excuse which should have alerted him. Instead, he made plans with her on the basis that she send him a photo before the date. Again, she had an excuse, but again, he ignored his suspicions and drove thirty minutes to meet her anyway. Lo and behold, she wasn’t exactly Mike’s version of attractive, and he learned a lesson the hard way.

Luckily your JDate profile includes photos, so your own descriptions of your looks doesn’t totally matter.

New Member Needs

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating

Dear Tamar,

HI!  I am new to JDate – I have been a member for about 6 weeks and I am not getting much response.  I do not know what is wrong, and I assume it is something in my profile.  I cannot get any positive feedback from anyone online and do not know who else to ask. Any advice you could offer would be appreciated.

Dear New Member Needs,

Thanks for providing your screen name so I can check out your profile and give you feedback. I’m going to start with the photos. The first one is great! Bravo on that! The second is just a close-up of the sixth photo, which I think is better because it shows your body type which is important, so eliminate the 2nd photo. The 3rd and 4th are cute but the 5th is questionable. I know it’s you and your Mom, whom you talk about in your profile, but it’s obvious that it’s dated and to be honest it’s difficult to garner much from it because of the distance.

Regarding your About Me paragraph I would leave out the part about your Mom and save that for when you’re actually on the date. I know it must have been a difficult part of your life, but it’s a downer. This line: “Another is cooking. I have been told I am quite good at it…” should be changed to: “Another passion is cooking. I’ve been told I’m quite the chef and look forward to proving it to you.”

I like what you said in My Ideal Relationship and My Past Relationships. My Perfect First Date is fine, but I would edit I’m Looking For from: “Well-educated man, money is not important, intelligence and education are – once an educator always an educator. A very close second is a man who is faithful. Honesty is a must. Funny is always enjoyable. A man who likes to have fun!” to something along the lines of: “a well-educated man who is also intelligent (two different things). Money isn’t important. Honesty is. I’m looking for a faithful man who can make me laugh and likes to have fun!”

I like that you’re open to all marital statuses, but I would extend your age range. You’re willing to go 10 years younger but only 5 years older? Why not 10 years on each side then? Can’t hurt, right?

Once you’re done editing, add two new photos to replace the ones you’re eliminating. Take new ones this weekend (have a friend snap away, get different angles including full body) and start doing some Flirting. Write me in a few weeks and let me know how it’s going!

Piss Poor Profile Pictures

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

I was perusing JDate for a single friend in a very general way (30 year old females in Manhattan) and I was only clicking on photos which caught my eye and were his type (petite, dark and exotic). Out of the hundreds I looked at only 12 stood out for the right reason. But for the most part I was appalled by page after page after page of piss poor profile pictures. I’m not even talking about the supporting photos, just the ones that show up in the search as a thumbnail. This is THE MOST important picture, so why are men and women alike using totally inappropriate photos?

Your profile picture SHOULD NOT:
1. include sunglasses or a hat
2. include other people or pets
3. be taken from a long distance away
4. be blurry (obvious, but you’d be surprised)
5. show you looking anywhere but at the camera

Your profile picture should basically be a headshot — your face, with a smile, filling up the screen. And your eyes should be, in the words of Tyra Banks, smizing. Your eyes should express happiness and invite me to click on your profile to learn more about you and see your other pictures.

Half-Hearted Profiles

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

Why don’t people post answers to the questions, why don’t they post pictures, and why don’t they have a screen name instead of the serial number JDate gives them?

Dear Half-Hearted Profiles?

Respectively, I don’t know, I don’t know, and well, I don’t know. These are good questions and simply put, if someone didn’t take the time to complete their profile then you don’t need to take the time to look at their profile. It’s their loss and it’s a shame. I don’t understand why someone would sign up and then not finish filling out the questionnaire or post some photos. If you like the part of the profile you do see then it can’t hurt to send a message letting them know that you’d like to learn more, but don’t take it personally if you don’t hear back. Check out these links to see what I previously had to say about these topics: What’s in a Name? Everything. and Under Interrogation. Lastly, don’t let your frustration with people’s half-hearted profiles linger because then you’re letting their dating issues effect your dates.

Photo Flop

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I am an older, single male with no children. I realize most of the women my age have children in high school, college or beyond and I recognize the importance of those relationships. However, I do not understand why these women are posting [multiple] pictures with their children, other family members and their pets. This is a dating service for adults. It is not a service for child adoption. Or pet adoption. I think the logical progression is for the adults to meet, and if there is chemistry, to form a relationship with each other. If we get past this step, then we can see if / how the partner and the children, family and pets are compatible. I am here to, initially, meet a woman – not her children, parents, girlfriends or pets. I can understand one picture with, say, a single person’s pet, but what I am seeing in terms of children, parents and friends in multiple photos does not make sense to me. Again, the written information states whether an individual has children and whether they live with the person. One would expect to meet them, later, if a relationship developed.

Dear Photo Flop,

I agree with you 100% and in Picture Perfect and More Picture Perfect I discussed how to post appropriate photos. After posting a few of yourself — face, full body, in action — only then is it okay to post ONE of you with your pet or another person both of which you must quickly refer to in your About Me paragraph.

I don’t think parents or kids should be a part of your photos because this is about you right now and not your family. Let your prospective dates get to see you without any distractions. That said, posting photos of loved ones is not a make or break. If the woman has everything you’re looking for and you’re attracted to her, then don’t let her photos stand in the way. People are proud of their kids, their parent’s lasting marriage, their adorable dog, etc and they think it’s compelling (even when it’s not). At the end of the day, are you going to reject your Beshert because she put a photo of her and her chihuahuas in her profile?

Hmmm… This dog gives me an idea!

by jpompey under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

As someone whowrites about online dating for a living, my brain seems forever connected to online dating ideas.  No matter where I look or turn I can’t seem to disconnect my life from what I write about so frequently.

And as I sit here staring at my dog, thinking how dogs are such female magnets, I ponder to myself, how can this be used to help our online dating lives?

Profile pictures.

Those familiar with my online dating advice know that one of the many goals to creating a successful photo gallery in the online dating world is to come up with pictures that will generate interest or spark conversation.  Well most women LOVE dogs.  If you have one, throw it up in your profile picture.  If a girl is a dog lover she will, without a doubt, throw a comment your way about a dog.

If there is one thing I have learned since getting one its that doglovers LOVE doglovers.  So, if you are one, use it to your advantage.  After all, they are supposed to be man’s best friend!