Everyone and No One and Anyone

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

If everyone is on JDate then how come people complain to me “there’s no one on JDate!” Or, why do they lament about being unable to find anyone on JDate!? The people who make these statements and ask these questions run the gamut, from males to females, old and young, straight and gay, short and tall, and so on.

My answer is always simple: they’re out there, you’re just not looking hard enough. Typically people fall into two categories: they either tend to have their preferences set too narrowly and therefore don’t have a large pool of prospects to choose from and get frustrated by the lack of options — or they have their preferences set way too broadly and have far too many prospects to scroll through, and then get overwhelmed until everyone’s profiles begin to blend together.

In my book, “How to Woo a Jew: The Modern Jewish Guide to Dating and Mating,” I recommend beginning with the former and setting your preferences to your absolute “perfect” idea of a match, and then broadening your options slowly from there. That will allow you time to see who’s out there and what one year of age, or one inch, or one level of education translates to in regards to the number of prospects you find. This will help you easily determine who is new to your search results in a slow and deliberate manner.

Here’s an example from one of my female clients, “Jamie,” age 34, of her ideal match:

  • woman seeking a man
  • age 34-39
  • located within 25 miles of her city
  • marital status: single
  • religion: reform, traditional, culturally Jewish, conservative
  • ethnicity: any
  • smoking: no
  • drinking: socially, on occasion
  • height: 6’0-6’6
  • body style: athletic
  • education: bachelor’s, master’s, JD/PhD
  • kosher: not at all
  • temple: on high holidays, sometimes
  • has kids: no
  • plans on having children: yes
  • custody: any
  • activity level: very active, active, selected activities
  • languages: english
  • willing to relocate: no

After I tweaked Jamie’s profile, we slowly adjusted one category at a time until she had a good number of options without compromising on her preferences too much. With age and height, we adjusted one year and one inch, respectively, at a time. This is how it looks now:

  • woman seeking a man
  • age 33-41
  • located within 50 miles of her city
  • marital status: single, divorced,
  • religion: reform, traditional, culturally Jewish, conservative
  • ethnicity: any
  • smoking: no
  • drinking: socially, on occasion
  • height: 5’10-6’9
  • body style: athletic, lean, firm, muscular, average, proportional
  • education: bachelor’s, master’s, JD/PhD
  • kosher: not at all
  • temple: on high holidays, sometimes
  • has kids: no
  • plans on having children: yes
  • custody: any
  • activity level: very active, active, selected activities
  • languages: english
  • willing to relocate: no

Jamie went from having about 60 prospects, many of which she knew already, to having more than 200 prospects, many of which she had never seen before. Put a little elbow grease into your profile and preferences, and your prospects will increase in quality and quantity!


Not Fair To Compare

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

So what happens when you meet someone new that you like and eventually start dating, but you can’t get another prospect out of your head? My friend Jessica is dating Rick and she likes him a lot, he’s awesome in fact. But she can’t get this other Marc out of her head. She went on a couple of dates with Marc but hasn’t heard from him in a few weeks. Yet she can’t get him out of her mind. Maybe it’s because of the rejection – or the lack of rejection – or maybe it’s because she felt really good chemistry with Marc and is now comparing that feeling with everyone else. The problem here is that Jessica doesn’t have a future with Marc. I’m not saying she should settle for Rick but it’s not fair to compare him to someone who isn’t a true contender. When a prospect is gone, forget about him or her and move on, otherwise you’ll just be holding yourself back from possibly meeting someone great!


“I Just Met Someone…”

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

“I just met someone” is sometimes used as an excuse and sometimes the truth. It’s an easy excuse to use when you went on a date with someone and it was “okay” date but you didn’t “feel” anything. You don’t want to say there’s no chemistry (because maybe the other person did feel something) so instead you can just say “I met someone right around the same time and I want to see where it goes.” It’s not personal and it’s not hurtful, but will lying about having met someone jinx you for actually meeting someone? What happens when it’s the truth and you really don’t want to date anyone else? Isn’t dropping all your other prospects so quickly going to jinx this as well? If the date you like finds out you ended it with everyone else so quickly won’t it freak him or her out? Or, conversely, if the date you like finds out you are still dating others after you’ve had a couple really great dates, will it turn him or her off? There is no right or wrong answer. If it doesn’t work out, you’re going to look for things to blame it on and that will in turn affect how you handle the next situation. Bottom line: you need to trust your instinct. If it feels right, then it may be worth it to send a “maybe” packing. If it feels wrong, then it may be worth it to lie about having met someone.


Skewed View

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

When you view page after page after page of prospects on JDate, you can start to develop a skewed view of what’s (or who’s) hot and not. Some JDaters® may look attractive in comparison to others, when alone in real life you may think differently. Other JDaters may stop looking good because you’ve just spent too much time scanning and are going plum-crazy-blind and need a break from looking at the computer screen. Make sure you take your time checking out your prospects, and if it means sleeping on it then do so. Fresh eyes= fresh perspective.


Changing Your Status… and Outlook

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

My friend Michelle flies out to Los Angeles over President’s Day weekend every February to meet up with all her sorority sisters. This time, I told her that not only should she change her location and About Me paragraph on her online dating profile to show “Los Angeles” but she should do so now, a few weeks in advance. Although she will only be visiting the area for the long weekend, you never know who you could meet, which means she also has to change her outlook regarding long distance relationships.

Needless to say, telling a guy you’re only coming into town for the weekend will give off a very wrong impression, so a little white lie may be necessary. Saying you’re “thinking of moving” may not be the truth, but it also won’t hurt anyone. All it will do is open Michelle up to more prospects. Sure, the guy may be on the other side of the country right now, but hey, since she hasn’t had luck in New York then why not give it a shot? If it’s Beshert then one of them will gladly move eventually.

When I met “S” while on vacation in Israel I was thinking of moving – although not out of the country! – so my mindset was open. And when “S” heard that I was in a transitional phase of my life, plus had a portable career, he started to consider the idea of something more developing between us. It was each of our openness that allowed a deep connection to develop so quickly, propelled him to ask me to move and gave me the ability to say yes.

It may sound weird to change your online dating profile to a city you’re only visiting for a short time, but why not see who’s out there? And if someone catches your fancy then why not make time to meet up while you’re there? Once I explained this all to Michelle she changed her location from New York to Los Angeles and made her first line in her About Me paragraph to read that she would “be in L.A. and is hoping to meet someone that will help me make a decision about moving to the City of Angels.” She also started checking out her matches in the area and contacted a few guys who caught her eye.

Michelle has already begun communicating with one guy and they’ve arranged to meet-up in a few weeks when she’s in town. Now she’s even more excited about her trip and is already looking for reasons to return even though she hasn’t even gone yet! By opening herself up to possibly meeting someone out of town she has reignited the fire within and now instead of being frustrated with being single she has a positive outlook about dating that she’s already emoting. Who knows, maybe this new attitude will result in her meeting someone in New York before she even goes to L.A.!

This was the whole point of my exercise with Michelle – to help her rediscover her spirit during what can be a frustrating journey. It’s so easy to lose sight of what kind of person you’re looking for and to let the quest get the best of you. By taking a trip, whether it be to a neighboring state or another country, and scoping out the prospects there, you can find that positive energy you’ve lost along the way. A vacation fling could be just what the dating doctor ordered!


Help Please!!!

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Relationships

Hey Tamar,

Can you please help me find someone beautiful that wants a serious relationship? Thank you……..!!!!!!!!

Dear Help Please!,

Looks like you’re helping yourself pretty well by #1 being on JDate and #2 writing me!  If you’re really serious about finding your Beshert, follow my previous tips regarding creating your profile and setting your preferences. Remember, set flexible standards and don’t limit yourself in area, age range, education, etc. It will help if you make your own Top 10 list and spend some quality time ranking the characteristics that are most important to you. The top 3-5 should be items that you’re not willing to negotiate about. Although attraction is important, it can be based on many things so make sure “looks” are not on that list! Only eliminate prospects based on those traits because chances are you will find yourself attracted to people who have your desired features. The next thing to make sure you have in your favor when trying to find your Beshert is your attitude. Be upbeat, positive, interesting and conversational. Ask questions and listen to the answers, let your date get to know you as well and don’t forget to smile! Finally, if you’re interested in meeting a JDate or seeing a date again, don’t hesitate to make it obvious or to make the plans yourself! Good luck!


Stuck in a Rut

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

So I’ve been on here for a long time and I’ve had some prospects, but nothing really has ever gone past talking online or texting. I feel like I’m stuck. What can I do to get out of this rut and go on an actual JDate?

Dear Stuck in a Rut,

Great question about a topic that I’m sure many people are going through, have gone through or will go through at some point in their dating lives. It sucks, plain and simple. But, there is a way to kick-start your JDate experience and get out of the rut. As I’ve mentioned before, it’s time for you to do a JDate makeover: new screen name, new photos, new paragraphs, newly thought-out preferences, etc. Delete old messages and Hot Lists. As you do so, your mentality and attitude will change along with the look of your new profile. I would even suggest hiding your profile as you make such changes since it may take more than one night online to get it right. You need to unveil your new JDate profile only when it’s ready and make a virtual grand entrance. Once you’re back out there, start being more active, use the tools to your advantage and try to take the new prospects directly to the phone to make plans rather than chatting online or texting. Good luck!