I just started dating this girl that got out of a 9 year relationship a few months ago. We’ve been texting all day, talking all night, have gone out 4 times in 2 weeks and things have proceeded pretty quickly. She seemed to really like me a lot but then after our last date she sent a text saying kissing another person was new to her and she needed to get used to it, but really enjoyed it. After that she cancelled our plans and hasn’t returned my calls. Is this common for someone getting out of a long term relationship? Should I give her some space or try harder? What’s the best advice you have of getting her back into the groove of how we were until she freaked out? Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Dear Rebound Relationship,
It sounds like your girl is, as you said, freaking out. She hasn’t been single in a very long time and moved a little too fast with you because she’s forgotten how to date. She may also be feeling lonely because she hasn’t actually been alone in a very long time. Less than 3 months recovery time after 9 years isn’t nearly enough time to really get over such a long relationship and it’s normal for her to back off after getting too close too soon. Chances are, she’s far from ready to enter a new relationship. I suggest taking a proactive role: send her an email letting her know that you understand she needs her time and space and that you’ll be there when she’s ready. This could and should take a minimum of a few more months. In the meantime, you need to start dating other people and if you’re still available when she’s ready, then great! Sorry if this isn’t the answer you were hoping for, but if you force the situation with her right now you will only scare her away. Good luck!
Dear Gems from Jen,
I am coming out of an almost 24 year marriage. My husband decided he did not want me/this marriage any longer, Ouch! Anyway, I am beginning to heal. I met a man through online dating and he has been in and out of relationships for awhile, nothing has stuck. We are keeping this at a friendship level so far. He knows I am not ready to give my heart and I want to be aware not to rebound. But, we went out the other night and I wanted to kiss him, but he gently told me no and I respected this. I have never had a real male friend. I am struggling with being attracted to him and wanting to kiss and hold and be held without ruining this friendship we are trying to build. I am lonely and I am craving being held and kissed and wanted. I can’t tell if he is attracted to me this way or not. It feels like he is and he is respecting our friendship first unless I am totally hallucinating?!
What do I do?
Dear Friendship to More,
It sounds to me as if you might be a bit confused about what it is you are really looking for. On one hand you appear to be enjoying this friendship and on the other you seem to be craving physical intimacy. You are going to need to figure out what it is you truly want from this man. Is it friendship or romance? Take some time to think about this question. Once you cross the friendship line there is no turning back. Take your time, there is no rush. It appears as if he is respectful of your friendship, so while you are thinking about what it is you really want, enjoy having a new friend!
Gems from Jen
Dear Gems from Jen,
Recently, my boyfriend and I (whom I met on JDate) split up.. The last two months of our relationship were drawn out and should have ended long before it did. I’m ready to get back on the horse but it has only been a few days and I am worried that by rushing back onto JDate could cause me to have a rebound. I’m not that type of girl and have never been placed in this situation before.
Now that we are over, I don’t really miss him, I just miss having a boyfriend.
Should I wait until I’m completely happy with being alone or just jump back into the dating scene?
My best suggestion is to do what you feel most comfortable with. If you are questioning your motives then you already have your answer. It has only been a few days. Whether or not the relationship was good or bad, your time and energy was with this person and it does take some time to move away from an ex. I agree that rushing into something right away will probably be more of a rebound relationship , rather than something that revolves around true feelings. However, if you take your time and only date men who meet your criteria then it will probably slow your urge to quiet the loneliness that you seem to be experiencing.
It is common for people who have recently gone through a break up to go through exactly what you are experiencing. Missing the companionship outweighs missing the actual person. It’s always nice to have someone to do things with. Just be careful and realize where you stand at this time. Perhaps, looking for friends on JDate before jumping into something might be the way to go at this point in time. There is nothing wrong with dating and not entering into a relationship right away. See what else is out there and enjoy dating for a bit. You’ll know when it is the real deal if you take your time and date for the right reasons.
Gems from Jen