Badmouthing Your Former Beau

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

After a break-up people are bound to ask what happened and it would probably be quite easy to talk shit about your ex. Don’t. Word will get around and not only will it get back to your ex but it also makes you look bad for doing the badmouthing. Rather, take the opportunity to take the higher road and just simply say “it didn’t work out” or “we grew apart” or “we decided to take a different path” or “we weren’t meant to be married” or anything else impartial and vague. It’s no one’s business. The Jewish community in each city is small and you don’t want to be known as the person who airs their dirty laundry in public. If you don’t want to do it for your ex’s reputation, then do it for your own.


Typecast Turn-Off

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Do you have a type? I’m not talking about tall, dark and handsome but assholes, jerks, and players. Of course, you don’t see them as bad boys… but they are. Chances are, you are not going to change them or transform them or get them to settle down. Someone will, but chances are it’s not you. Could it happen? Sure. But don’t keep dating douchebags just so you can finally succeed in this quest to fix a man.

So when you get your heartbroken over and over and over, maybe it’s time that you take a step back and see what these guys had in common and why you are attracted to that type. Do you not feel like you deserve better? Yes, you need attraction but you also need to be treated with love and respect. Try to date against type and see if the attraction could grow rather than going for a guy where the relationship is built upon lust.


Fool Me Once…

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

My girlfriend met a guy three months ago and they got serious really quickly. I had my doubts, but they were spending a lot of time together and he seemed loyal and dedicated, so I dropped my doubts. When he invited her to attend his sister’s wedding as his date I was really happy for her. They had only been together six weeks, but it is a huge step to ask someone to accompany them to a major family event. And then he broke up with her 2 days before the wedding.

A week later he came back and she took him back. He said he had just freaked out by the seriousness of it all and wanted to be with her. She forgave him and gave him a second chance. All was right in their world and even her friends, me included, were impressed with his insight, apology and acts of love. As her birthday approached he was busy making plans and she was totally enamored once again as their relationship was getting more and more serious.

And then he broke up with her right before her birthday. Yup, it happened again. The first time she could say “fool me once, shame on you” but if she forgave him a second time then it would be shame on her. Luckily, she knew that you don’t forgive the same bad act twice and didn’t even think about reconciling. And luckily she has a lot of really good friends who swooped in and made sure she had the best time celebrating her birthday!


Lifitng the Holiday Darkness

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

A friend of mine was dumped two days before flying home with her boyfriend to meet her parents during the holidays. He cancelled his ticket of course, but she went home and tried to enjoy the holidays even though she was heartbroken and in shock. So not only did he crush her, but he was now going to ruin her vacation because she was going to spend all the time crying and moping and grieving. She needs to process the break-up, but she also should try to find a way to enjoy herself because it’s not often she flies home to be with her family. Use the holidays as an opportunity to start anew: Hanukkah is the holiday celebrating the miracle of light — find the items that bring you light and concentrate on them — and New Year’s is the perfect time for her to symbolically leave the drama of 2012 behind and move forward. Does it suck to be dumped right before the holidays? Absolutely. Does it suck to be alone during the holidays? Sure. But at the end of the day I bet you would rather be single then be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Be thankful that your ex didn’t ¬†spend the holidays with you and create new memories and possibly have you falling deeper in love just to dump you right after.


Avoiding an Ex

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

Running an errand post-workout you spot an ex from afar while looking a hot mess. You are in a good place in your life and are in a great relationship (albeit sans ring), but you still don’t want the guy or gal who dumped you seeing you in your current state of disarray. What to do? A few options:

  • If he/she has yet to see you and you aren’t in any rush, then turn around and duck into the nearest store/hallway and wait until he/she has passed before continuing on your day.
  • If there is nowhere to go without it being too obvious then plaster a huge smile on your face and say, “Hi” cheerfully. A great smile distracts ¬†from your askew hair and sweaty clothes. If you can get off with just a “Hi! How are you?” then do so and keep walking confidently.
  • Keep that smile on if you are forced to stop and chat. Hold your head up high, don’t offer too much information about your life and definitely try to avoid rambling (“my boyfriend this…. my fiance that…”). Less is more in this situation and trying to prove that you are doing well without him/her (whether it is the truth or not) is only going to make it look like you are doing just that.

You may have moved on happily, or you may still be feeling the burn from this break-up. Doesn’t matter. You’ve heard the phrase “image is everything”? Well, how you present yourself is what will be remembered in this scenario, so always hold your head high.


When Long Term Love Becomes A Break-Up

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Once you hit your 30′s, dating for any lengthy period of time and then breaking up takes even more of a toll on you then it did when you were an angst-ridden teenager. When you’re in high school or college, one year felt like an eternity and a break-up was “literally” the end of the world, when of course in retrospect it was barely a drop in life’s bucket. But when you’re 30+ years old, a one year relationship truly does feel like an eternity… especially when it ends in heartbreak. You’ve spent one year (or more) at “prime” marrying-age with a partner who didn’t end up being who you thought he or she was. Or the relationship didn’t end up going in the direction you hoped when you entered into it. Most people start dating with a more serious mindset in their 30′s because they’re no longer looking for someone to fool around with, but to spend the rest of their lives with. After you dedicate your time, energy, hopes and dreams to that person — and it ends — you’re upset that it wasn’t “the one” and even more upset that you “wasted” your time.

It’s definitely tougher to absorb the shock of a break-up after 30, but you must try to see it as a learning opportunity otherwise you will go sink into a depression which will make dating that much more difficult. Take some time to think about the person you were before this last relationship and how much better of a person you are now. Whether it’s because you are more compassionate or more patient, whether it’s because your former partner taught you a new skill or motivated you in your career, or whether it’s because you now know that green eyes and flat abs are not as important as morals and values, you are better than you were before. You are. With age comes wisdom. And if you don’t feel like you learned anything about yourself during the course of the relationship then try to learn something about yourself during the course of the break-up. And be double-thankful that you are out of that relationship because if that partner wasn’t making you become a better person then you didn’t need to be with him or her anyways.


Over and Out

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

How do you delete a man from your thoughts? How can you stop thinking about a man for whom you have strong feelings? I know it is over, but can’t stop wanting him back. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

 

Dear Over and Out,

Getting over a guy (or gal) is tough when you have strong feelings, but try to think about it this way: do you want to be with a guy who doesn’t want to be with you? That’s one quick way to realize you deserve better. You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him.

Give yourself a little time to mope and then get back out there and start going on dates, dates and more dates. Treat yourself to a few guys who want to treat you nicely, allow yourself to enjoy the attention before automatically comparing this guy to your ex. And when you do make the comparison’s — because you will — make sure to also compare the bad stuff. You know, the guy who dumped you and broke your heart bad stuff. Remind yourself of all his negative traits and then make the comparisons. And just know that one day you will meet a guy who feels as strongly towards you as you feel towards him.