Dear Tamar,

I want to know definitively and once and for all, should I answer messages if I’m not interested? I get so many different answers from people. My gut tells me yes, it’s only kind and decent. What do I say when I’m not interested but don’t want to hurt feelings?

Dear To Answer Or Not To Answer,

You’re right, it is only kind and decent and you should answer. You don’t absolutely have to, but you should because it’s the Golden Rule or Karma or whatever you want to call it — what goes around comes around and you don’t want to be the one left hanging after you took the chance of writing someone.

As to what you should say, well, try starting with something along these lines: “I’m flattered but…” or “Thanks so much but…” or “I appreciate your interest but…” and then end with something along these lines: “I just met someone” or “I just started dating someone” or “I’m looking for someone/something different” and then say “thank you again though and good luck.” Be nothing but compassionate, polite and respectful.

Dear Tamar,

My boyfriend of three years passed away ten months ago and I’ve just now gotten back into dating. I already met a great guy. We were smitten, he was very into me, loving and affectionate, but after eight weeks I felt a disconnect.  He told me in a text that it wasn’t me, but wanted to get out of our relationship before he felt trapped and it would be best not to see each other at least for awhile. It wasn’t me, he said, but after awhile he feels that dating is more work than enjoyment. HUH?? I took his lead with our relationship so what is that all about?

Dear Disconnected,

I’ll be blunt — it sounds like he’s not interested in you anymore but is trying to let you down easy. You didn’t do anything wrong; from what you’ve told me, he simply discovered after 8 weeks you’re not his Beshert. At least he figured it out after 2 months and not 2 years. It sucks that this is your first experience after your loss and returning to the dating game but, unfortunately, it sounds like you’ve been initiated back into the club. As a side note: This guy doesn’t sound like he’s going to be getting married anytime soon!

Alright, that’s enough, both sides stop it! Stop it right now before someone really gets hurt!

Guys – if you go out with a woman, and don’t want to see her again, then don’t make ANY indications that you are going to call her. Because when you do that, you lead her on, and that leads to the development of expectations and her eventually being let down.

Ladies – if you go out with a guy, and aren’t interested in going out with him again, then just say so.  Please don’t say that you want to go out on another date in order to “spare our feelings,” because we all know you really aren’t doing it for us.

You see all this game playing and posturing is nonsense! Utter nonsense!

How old are we?

At 27 I consider myself to be a “big boy,” and think I am quite capable of handling the rejection that results from being turned down by a woman for a date. However, when I do begin to lose my patience, and act like a baby, is when women tell me they had a great time and want to go out again but never return my calls or texts trying to make plans.

I am fully aware that on the other side of this, women experience the same frustrations when it comes to men saying, at the end of the night, that they’ll call them, but never do; which is why I am calling out both sexes in this piece.

So just stop it. Stop all the game playing and rhetoric because that leads to people being led on, which I promise you hurts them more than if you would have just nicely rejected them in the first place.

Dear Tamar,

I’m shocked about why people don’t get you back to you when you e-mail them. WHY… don’t they complete their profiles if they are here to be serious? You’re here for a reason, so WHY not reply, be polite or at least fill in your profiles?

Dear Why oh WHY?,

I can sense your frustration in your CAPS LOCK, LOL. I’ll say this — if a person isn’t filling out their profile or replying to your email then its not someone you want to date so they’ve made it easy for you. It does suck and I don’t get it either. You’re right, why are these people on JDate if they’re not putting forth the full effort to meet their Beshert? I always recommend that people fill out their profiles fully and at least reply with a polite rejection. Try to keep your sanity by remembering that these people are not your Beshert and move on to the next prospect.

Facing rejection through online dating has to be one of the worst feelings in the world.  Especially that dreaded Instant Messaging rejection as you sit there and see the words, “Susie874 has declined to answer your Instant Message at this time.”

Believe me, I know the feeling.  As a former struggling online dater I saw that familiar sentence on JDate more times than I would have ever liked to.  Being rejected feels bad enough, but being rejected without ever even having a chance to make your pitch is an even worse feeling.  At least when we get rejected in real life we have a chance to say something or be heard out!

While these feelings can be crippling to your self esteem, the truth is, its not your fault.  Don’t take it personally.  These women are not necessarily rejecting you for reasons that have to do with your looks or personality.  It is more that they get bombarded by more messages than they could ever answer.

I often say, “hall of famers bat 300″ online.  There is so much competition that even the best will often be “rejected” seven out of 10 times.  The important thing is to follow online dating tips that will provide you with the best possible chance to bat .300.   So work on every aspect of your online game that you could think of, and when you are in tip top shape, if that dreaded “decline” comes, have no worries because its probably nothing personal; here are plenty of women around the corner.

Dear Tamar,

Hi, I was wondering if you could let me know the best way to let someone I went out on a date with know that I am not interested in seeing them again after they contact me.  I’m still fairly new on here and have been on a couple dates with guys that were nice but there was no attraction on my end.  Both guys texted or called me after our date.  So what do you think is the best and most polite way to handle this situation?  I am 26 and a lot of people I know just ignore the person they do not want to see again.  Some of my friends say that is less hurtful than telling somebody you just didn’t feel a connection or just see them as a friend.  What do you think?  Please help!  Thanks!

Dear Reject with Respect,

If you went on a JDate and liked the person but it wasn’t mutual you would appreciate being told wouldn’t you? So I agree you should show the dates you don’t like the same respect. Your friends who don’t do it are cowards, because it’s really not that difficult and karma is much worse. There are a few ways you can go about this: Phone, text, email and JDate. Rejecting on the phone is by far the hardest way. You can answer your dates calls or return theirs and simply say “thank you so much, I had a really nice time but to be honest I just didn’t feel like it was a match.” Usually the written word is easier. Text isn’t great but it will do: “Thx 4 the call. Unfortunately it’s not going 2 work out. GL.” (GL=Good Luck) As you can see it’s a bit harsh. Rather, an email via personal email or your JDate account would be better. Let your date know you had a nice time and (insert compliment here) but that you don’t think it’s a match and you hope he meets his Beshert soon. It’s in the best interest of your dating life to be as polite as possible.

Dear Tamar,

I can’t understand why I cannot meet anyone.  Most of the time, people don’t even respond.

Dear I Don’t Understand,

Dating is nothing more than a waiting game. You have to wait to meet someone, wait to go on a first and then a second date, wait for them to answer an email/ the phone/ a text, wait to see if this is “it” and so on. Therefore, the cliche “patience is a virtue” applies to dating more than to anything else. You have to keep pushing forward, sending out Flirts, Click!s, emails, instant messages and so forth until something happens. One of the great things about JDate is that no one except you knows that no one is responding — in other words, to be blunt, no one is witnessing you being rejected. So keep trying because it only takes one person to respond to make it all worth it.

Dear Tamar,

My question would be how to handle rejection and how to have more than two dates with a female?

Dear From One Date to the Next,

Rejection is going to happen no matter how hard we try to avoid it. Once you figure out how to gracefully handle it you will also be able to better digest it. If you are rejected on JDate, meaning before you ever meet, just brush it off and move on. You don’t even have to respond to those types of emails. If you’re rejected while on a date, then take what I used as a way to ease the awkwardness — ask if you could both keep each other in mind for a friend who may be better suited for them — and follow through because you never know who you could meet! If you’re rejected by phone after a date then say “I’m sorry it’s not going to work out between us but I wish you luck on your journey” and then get off the phone.

In order to land the coveted third date make sure you follow up with a phone call within 48 hours of the second date and ask the girl out for Prime Date Night, as in Saturday night. Have a nice restaurant in mind and let her know what the plans would be, keeping in mind things she has said she likes from your past two dates. A girl wants to know that you’re thinking of her and are going out of your way to make her feel special.

Hi Tamar:

I just read your post “Never Been Married” from January 19 about your friend who met a 40 year old who has never been married or come close to it.

Characterizing those of us who are in our 40s and haven’t married yet as “over the hill” and “too picky until it was too late” is just so biased. There is no age limit or restriction for when people get married. And just because the majority of people do it in their 20s and 30s, doesn’t make the rest of us wrong or abnormal.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your email! I completely agree that there’s no age limit and that not having been married by your 40th birthday doesn’t make you abnormal. My concern is when someone reaches the age of 40 and hasn’t been in a serious, long-term relationship. There is someone (or more than one someone) for everyone and some people just meet them later in life. I believe that every relationship throughout your life helps shape the person you are, so it’s imperative to have both made a commitment and have had your heart broken by the age of 40.

Dear Tamar,

I recently went on a first date and on the way home I gave her a specialty chocolate bar because she had mentioned she loved them.  She texted me later that night saying thank you and she had a nice time.  I called her the next day and the day after that and got no respone.  She then called me and after 10 minutes she got a call she had to take.  She texted me asking if we could talk the following evening.  After a day of no return call, I then called again and texted one final time the next day. No response.  My problem is I obviously didn’t get the message she wasn’t interested when she didn’t return my calls.  But I was thrown off by her text and previous call back.  And where is the courtesy of even just an email saying thank you but we aren’t a match?  I feel I deserved that much and I was so stressed all week because I did like her and was hoping to plan a second date.  Sadly this happens all the time.  I always communicate after a date, good or bad.  Why do woman do this?  Do they think it’s ok?  Are they doing it because guys have done that all the time to them?  It is very upsetting and makes me not want to date at all.

Dear No Reply Rejection,

Both men and women are guilty of not responding when they’re not interested but I’m sorry it seems to happen to you more often. It sounds like you did everything right but she simply wasn’t feeling you. You’ve made all the effort you can; anymore and you’re infringing upon stalker status. She was definitely sending mixed signals by texting you and calling you back but at the end of the day it’s time to cut your losses. Please continue to call women even after a bad date to let them know you’re not interested, it’s good karma. Don’t become that guy because you’ve had unfortunate run-ins with rude women.