The reality of online rejection – It’s probably not your fault!

by jpompey under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

Facing rejection through online dating has to be one of the worst feelings in the world.  Especially that dreaded Instant Messaging rejection as you sit there and see the words, “Susie874 has declined to answer your Instant Message at this time.”

Believe me, I know the feeling.  As a former struggling online dater I saw that familiar sentence on JDate more times than I would have ever liked to.  Being rejected feels bad enough, but being rejected without ever even having a chance to make your pitch is an even worse feeling.  At least when we get rejected in real life we have a chance to say something or be heard out!

While these feelings can be crippling to your self esteem, the truth is, its not your fault.  Don’t take it personally.  These women are not necessarily rejecting you for reasons that have to do with your looks or personality.  It is more that they get bombarded by more messages than they could ever answer.

I often say, “hall of famers bat 300″ online.  There is so much competition that even the best will often be “rejected” seven out of 10 times.  The important thing is to follow online dating tips that will provide you with the best possible chance to bat .300.   So work on every aspect of your online game that you could think of, and when you are in tip top shape, if that dreaded “decline” comes, have no worries because its probably nothing personal; here are plenty of women around the corner.

Reject with Respect

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

Hi, I was wondering if you could let me know the best way to let someone I went out on a date with know that I am not interested in seeing them again after they contact me.  I’m still fairly new on here and have been on a couple dates with guys that were nice but there was no attraction on my end.  Both guys texted or called me after our date.  So what do you think is the best and most polite way to handle this situation?  I am 26 and a lot of people I know just ignore the person they do not want to see again.  Some of my friends say that is less hurtful than telling somebody you just didn’t feel a connection or just see them as a friend.  What do you think?  Please help!  Thanks!

Dear Reject with Respect,

If you went on a JDate and liked the person but it wasn’t mutual you would appreciate being told wouldn’t you? So I agree you should show the dates you don’t like the same respect. Your friends who don’t do it are cowards, because it’s really not that difficult and karma is much worse. There are a few ways you can go about this: Phone, text, email and JDate. Rejecting on the phone is by far the hardest way. You can answer your dates calls or return theirs and simply say “thank you so much, I had a really nice time but to be honest I just didn’t feel like it was a match.” Usually the written word is easier. Text isn’t great but it will do: “Thx 4 the call. Unfortunately it’s not going 2 work out. GL.” (GL=Good Luck) As you can see it’s a bit harsh. Rather, an email via personal email or your JDate account would be better. Let your date know you had a nice time and (insert compliment here) but that you don’t think it’s a match and you hope he meets his Beshert soon. It’s in the best interest of your dating life to be as polite as possible.

I Don’t Understand

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I can’t understand why I cannot meet anyone.  Most of the time, people don’t even respond.

Dear I Don’t Understand,

Dating is nothing more than a waiting game. You have to wait to meet someone, wait to go on a first and then a second date, wait for them to answer an email/ the phone/ a text, wait to see if this is “it” and so on. Therefore, the cliche “patience is a virtue” applies to dating more than to anything else. You have to keep pushing forward, sending out Flirts, Click!s, emails, instant messages and so forth until something happens. One of the great things about JDate is that no one except you knows that no one is responding — in other words, to be blunt, no one is witnessing you being rejected. So keep trying because it only takes one person to respond to make it all worth it.

Dating Etiquette: Rejection & Third Dates

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

My question would be how to handle rejection and how to have more than two dates with a female?

Dear From One Date to the Next,

Rejection is going to happen no matter how hard we try to avoid it. Once you figure out how to gracefully handle it you will also be able to better digest it. If you are rejected on JDate, meaning before you ever meet, just brush it off and move on. You don’t even have to respond to those types of emails. If you’re rejected while on a date, then take what I used as a way to ease the awkwardness — ask if you could both keep each other in mind for a friend who may be better suited for them — and follow through because you never know who you could meet! If you’re rejected by phone after a date then say “I’m sorry it’s not going to work out between us but I wish you luck on your journey” and then get off the phone.

In order to land the coveted third date make sure you follow up with a phone call within 48 hours of the second date and ask the girl out for Prime Date Night, as in Saturday night. Have a nice restaurant in mind and let her know what the plans would be, keeping in mind things she has said she likes from your past two dates. A girl wants to know that you’re thinking of her and are going out of your way to make her feel special.

Reader Response to “Never Been Married”

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Hi Tamar:

I just read your post “Never Been Married” from January 19 about your friend who met a 40 year old who has never been married or come close to it.

Characterizing those of us who are in our 40s and haven’t married yet as “over the hill” and “too picky until it was too late” is just so biased. There is no age limit or restriction for when people get married. And just because the majority of people do it in their 20s and 30s, doesn’t make the rest of us wrong or abnormal.

Dear Reader,

Thank you for your email! I completely agree that there’s no age limit and that not having been married by your 40th birthday doesn’t make you abnormal. My concern is when someone reaches the age of 40 and hasn’t been in a serious, long-term relationship. There is someone (or more than one someone) for everyone and some people just meet them later in life. I believe that every relationship throughout your life helps shape the person you are, so it’s imperative to have both made a commitment and have had your heart broken by the age of 40.

No Reply Rejection

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I recently went on a first date and on the way home I gave her a specialty chocolate bar because she had mentioned she loved them.  She texted me later that night saying thank you and she had a nice time.  I called her the next day and the day after that and got no respone.  She then called me and after 10 minutes she got a call she had to take.  She texted me asking if we could talk the following evening.  After a day of no return call, I then called again and texted one final time the next day. No response.  My problem is I obviously didn’t get the message she wasn’t interested when she didn’t return my calls.  But I was thrown off by her text and previous call back.  And where is the courtesy of even just an email saying thank you but we aren’t a match?  I feel I deserved that much and I was so stressed all week because I did like her and was hoping to plan a second date.  Sadly this happens all the time.  I always communicate after a date, good or bad.  Why do woman do this?  Do they think it’s ok?  Are they doing it because guys have done that all the time to them?  It is very upsetting and makes me not want to date at all.

Dear No Reply Rejection,

Both men and women are guilty of not responding when they’re not interested but I’m sorry it seems to happen to you more often. It sounds like you did everything right but she simply wasn’t feeling you. You’ve made all the effort you can; anymore and you’re infringing upon stalker status. She was definitely sending mixed signals by texting you and calling you back but at the end of the day it’s time to cut your losses. Please continue to call women even after a bad date to let them know you’re not interested, it’s good karma. Don’t become that guy because you’ve had unfortunate run-ins with rude women.

Follow-Up Letter

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

What do I do if someone does not respond to my letter? Forget it or send another letter? And if so, should it be of a serious nature or humorous? Any ideas would be welcome.

Dear Follow-Up Letter,

Good question. On one hand you don’t want to be obnoxious and not recognize rejection, while on the other hand it never hurts to give it another shot. The trick here is to pay attention to their activity level — did she read the email? If not she may not be a paid member in which you’re wasting your time trying to contact her that way. If she did read your letter, has she logged on since? Make sure to give her some time to respond. Did she check out your profile after reading your email? If so, has she done so repeatedly? If you deem it worthy of your time to write another email then I most definitely believe that humor is the way to go. Women want nothing more than a man who will make them laugh. It will make her reevaluate why she didn’t respond the first time and pay you more mind.

E-mail Denial

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

Last summer I created a free JDate profile without a picture. In December I decided to pay for the membership and I got two e-mails from back in July.  I answered one of them and for a day I was on cloud nine.  But the next day I received an e-mail from the guy and he said we were in different places in our lives. He wished me luck and that was the last I am going to hear from him.  I thought we had a lot in common and we live in the same town. I lost my husband and this guy is also a widower and this is my first time venturing out and trying to date. I don’t know what I said exactly in the two or three e-mails that I sent to him, but I must have said something to turn him off to me.  Now, I am afraid to contact anyone else.  I am afraid of rejection in short.  How do I get over this?

Dear E-mail Denial,

A lot of time has passed between when the guy initially e-mailed you and now and you have no way of knowing what has occurred in his life since then. I would write the guy one more e-mail and let him know that if he changes his mind you’d love to hear from him, as you have a lot in common. That’s all you can do and afterwards you need to move on. It sucks but unfortunately that’s the risk you take not paying for a membership and being able to read your e-mail and contact people. Don’t be afraid to contact anyone else… if you have such commonalities with this guy, you will find another one, if not two, three or four more men. Being afraid of rejection is normal, but if you want to meet someone you have to take that risk and not take it personally if someone isn’t interested. Believe me, you will be approached by many a man whom you will not be interested in!

Dropping the Ball

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

You can lead a camel to water but you can’t make it drink. The same goes for men. I can deliver a Perfect 10 Jewish goddess to a man’s doorstep, but I can’t make him call her.

Such was the case with Lawrence. Lawrence is a great guy: besides being really nice and having good morals, he’s also a successful accountant who owns his own place, has a fantastic sense of humor and a nice head of hair. His only drawbacks are his height – a whopping 5’2 – and his age – 39. Neither make him a lost cause, but those stats have made it somewhat difficult for him on JDate. Luckily he’s open to being set-up… or so I thought.

I consulted my database of single friends and found one girl in particular whom I thought was beyond perfect. Marissa is tiny and petite, just barely 5 feet and probably 100 pounds soaking wet, in her early 30’s and besides having a thriving career as a therapist, she’s also a lot of fun. Her family is active in the community and has a reputation for being a group of super duper nice people. Feeling like I had hit this one on the nose, I started facilitating the match.

I told each of them about each other and they both sounded excited and receptive. I told Marissa that Lawrence would call her and she agreed to let me give him her number. So Lawrence has Marissa’s number… but didn’t use it. One, two, three weeks went by and nothing. I ran into Marissa and she asked what was up and I didn’t have an excuse. Lawrence said he was interested in her so why hadn’t he dialed her number? When I approached him about it, he said again that he would call her and again failed to with no excuse. At this point Marissa was done, she felt rejected and had written him off as a loser. I told Lawrence that, since he screwed up, if he was still interested then he needed to call her and keep calling her until she answered and agreed to go out with him.

What did he do with my advice? He texted her. I seriously could strangle him. Now I realize why he’s about to turn 40 and is as lonely as the last macaroon in the tin after Passover. Marissa was smart enough not to answer the text and I advised her to disregard it and to give him a second (third? fourth?) chance after he put forth some effort. Then I gave Lawrence specific instructions to call her and leave a message and then wait two days and call her again. We’ll see if that happens. I don’t know who is more frustrated – me or Marissa. I’ve now realized that the only person holding Lawrence back from being in a successful relationship is Lawrence himself. If he calls Marissa, I hope she will give him a chance after giving him crap for waiting so long. But I’m not ever setting Lawrence up with another girl just to hurt her feelings before he’s even met her.

Shunned and Stunned

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I’ve had quite a bit of success on JDate meeting some wonderful women.  Recently one of them stood out more than the others.  I was smitten. We went out five times in three weeks and each date was better than the last.  We laughed, we shared, we kissed, we cuddled, and we had an amazing start to a relationship. Then it suddenly ended.

After a long night together I went home at 11am for some much needed sleep but not before making plans for another date. At 3pm she called me to tell me it wasn’t working. I was stunned. I stopped by her place to drop off something she had left with me, and with a beautiful smile she thanked me for the time we had.

What had just happened?  Had I pushed too hard, moved too fast, spent too much time with her too quickly?  If that was the case, though, then why break it off?  If she liked me wasn’t that the kind of problem that was easily rectified? Simply tell me we need to slow down and I would have happily obliged! I texted her and said I wasn’t willing to leave it the way we had and that I would give her some space and call her in a week.  After all, I’m a guy who fights for a good thing!

If you have any advice for a poor dejected shlub like me I’d really appreciate it! Thanks!

Dear Shunned and Stunned,

Unfortunately I have been in your shoes and it sucks plain and simple. And if I care to think back (I really don’t), I bet I can think of a time when I left someone high and dry. I know you felt a connection and that it was mutual, but for her it wasn’t “it” for some reason that more than likely has nothing to do with you. The “why” may give you some closure and may make you feel better in the short term, but even if you never get that explanation you’re going to have to move on and force yourself to get over it. It’s heartbreaking to have had so much hope in something so new and have it end out of nowhere. It threatens your faith in love.

Let’s try to find the silver lining: it has only been a few weeks, at least she didn’t shun you after months and months together! You met someone on JDate that you had a deep connection with and that means it can and will happen again! You liked someone who was willing to throw away something that could have gone somewhere; do you really want to be with someone like that? (I’m guessing not).

There’s a chance she was just freaking out and needed some time to gather her thoughts but, unfortunately, I don’t see her changing her mind. Something happened that caused her to pull the trigger to end the relationship, but let me repeat, it has nothing to do with you, this is not a reflection of you and the explanation doesn’t really matter in the long run. Chalk it up to a sucky dating experience, get back out there and, soon enough,your Beshert will come along.