Don’t Talk the Talk

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Relationships

You’ve seen the perfect match on JDate. Talk about it all you want. You’ve started talking to that match. Slowly stop talking about it to your friends. You went on one awesome date with a new prospect. Talk about it a little. You started a new relationship. Don’t talk about it. You’re officially in a new relationship. Start talking all you want. You are single again and looking. Talk about it, go it out of your system and then get back on the market. Don’t dwell on your singleness or why you’re single and don’t start talking about a relationship before it happens. It’s hard to not want to brag about a new prospect but sometimes it’s better to keep it to yourself until there’s actually something to report (or find one good friend to confide in). Enjoy that feeling of being at the beginning of something new and revel in it. And if it doesn’t work out, you’ll have less people to have to recount the break-up to.


Your Rights in a New Relationship

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

What happens when you’re newly dating someone and find out they’re dating someone else – but not just anyone else, someone you know? Do you have the right to get mad? Should you just act cool? Should you keep dating the person or end it?

Way back in the day, I was on a third date with a guy, and we went to a concert. It was there we ran into a guy I had just gone on a first date with, and it turns out the two knew each other. Can you say awkward?  The guy I was on a date with didn’t seem to mind much, but his old friend would never speak to me again.

I honestly didn’t think it was a big deal, as I was newly dating the both of them and didn’t know they knew each other, but I obviously broke some sort of guy code. In the end, you have to do what feels right for you – if feelings have developed or if you see potential, or if you’re still dating others or if you want to keep it casual for now, whatever your reason you have every right to keep dating the person without feeling guilty or wrong about it. That said, you also have every right to end the relationship. Just do me a favor and give the person an explanation. There’s nothing worse than not knowing what you did wrong, especially when neither of you really did anything wrong.


Would You Like To Meet My People?

by RollingStone9862 under Date Night,Online Dating,Relationships

I’ve gone out on a bunch of dates with a woman over the course of the last month, and during that time we have gotten along great and had a lot of fun together. This has led me to contemplate if we havereached the point where I should introduce her to my friends. Obviously I am well aware of how inexact the science of dating is; but I do think that there is always the potential for disaster (in the form of scaring someone off) if you introduce them to your friends too early. Sure, you could have an adult conversation about your relationship where you both get on the same page as to exactly how each of you feels about the relationship and where it is heading, but for most people, me included, that is once again a dicey area because you don’t want to have that conversation too soon either.

Since I’ve been thinking about whether it is the right (or even a good) time to introduce the woman I’ve been seeing to some of my friends , and have teetered back and forth, this has eventually indicated to me that I should probably not try to force it by specifically setting something up, and rather should just let an opportunity naturally present itself. Fortunately for me I didn’t have to wait very long since a few days after I reached the prior sentence’s conclusion a good friend of mine informed me that his birthday party was going to be the upcoming weekend. Immediately I figured that this was the right opportunity to introduce her to some of my friends since the setting would be very casual, and there wouldn’t be much pressure since there would be a large group of people – many of which I won’t even know. Last night I invited her to the party via text since she is out of town for work and that is the primary way that we have been communicating, although her response of “sure” was less than enthusiast; but I have tried not to read too much into it since, after all, it was in a text message.

Ultimately we’ll have to see how things end up going this weekend, and whether or not she was actually ready, and wanting, to be introduced to some of my friends. Since asking her I have tried to put myself in her shoes and think about how I would feel is she had invited me to a birthday party this weekend for one of her friends, and I can honestly say that I would be more than happy, although a little nervous, to go. When it comes right down to it during relationships you have to take leaps. Over the course of time many of these leaps will inevitably seem scary, difficult or not quite right at the time; but in spite of those (and other) apprehensions we might feel we still need to take them because those leaps are what fuel a relationship and bring two people closer together.


Lying for Too Long

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I just recently started dating, this is my first experience in life, and I’m 40 years old. Because of many reasons I didn’t feel comfortable putting my real age, so I created a profile as a 38 year old woman. And guess what? I met an amazing guy, and we’ve been together for almost 6 months; he is 54, and he is always honest about his age and everything else. He asked me several times just as part of the conversation, and I keep confirming my wrong age, because I simply cannot say the real thing. It’s funny, but I just cannot do it for such a long time. And I want to be completely honest with him… so now I don’t know what to do and how to approach this issue. How to handle this situation? I think that this will spoil our relationship.

Dear Lying for Too Long,

Yikes, it sounds like you’ve had many opportunities to tell your boyfriend the truth and I’m not sure why you didn’t come clean then. And since he keeps asking, I’m pretty sure he probably already knows. In 6 months I’m sure he’s been able to sneak a peek at your driver’s license or do the math of when you graduated high school. At 54 years old, I bet he’d be happy to hear that you’re closer to his age. Funny thing is, at his age and assuming his age range preferences, you probably would have met him anyways! Your boyfriend may be upset at first because you have, after all,  lied to him for six months, but I bet he’ll get over it. It is only 2 years. I think the best way to confess is to be perfectly honest. The next time the subject of age comes up, just tell him. It will be awkward at first, but if you tell him exactly what you told me — you felt you needed to lie in order to meet someone and then you met him and things just happened so fast you didn’t know how to tell him the truth. And now you want things to move on to the next level with him so you had to come clean. Add that you know it may not be easy to digest but that you hope your relationship is strong enough to survive. Again, it’s only 2 years! Hopefully he agrees with me. Good luck!


My Very Bad Habit

by RollingStone9862 under Relationships,Single Life

I have a very bad habit that I’m fully able to acknowledge is a very bad habit; however, I still can’t seem to break this very bad habit. I’m fully aware that I need to stop comparing the women I go out with to a specific ex-girlfriend that I dated for a long period of time, and went through a difficult break up with almost two-years ago yet, up until my date yesterday, I still did it.

It could have been because I had a long day at work, or maybe it was the fact that I was running late and thus rushing to make it on time, or maybe it was just a change in the weather, I don’t know, but in any case my date yesterday was the first time I went out with a woman and didn’t compare any aspects of the date, or her, to my ex-girlfriend.

Of course I don’t expect that if I see this woman again that I will never think of my interactions, or perhaps eventual relationship, with her in comparison to my past one; but the fact that I didn’t do it on our first date was encouraging. At 27, I am well aware that I am carrying some substantial baggage but, then again, so are the women who I go out with and for both of us that’s okay.

Perhaps it’s strange that I compare the women I go on dates with to an ex-girlfriend, and certainly I’m not going to announce this to any of them, but perhaps the fact that I didn’t do it yesterday signals that, while I’ll never forget my ex-girlfriend or our relationship, I’m ready to stop using her, and us, as the standard for my relationships moving forward.


Patience or Purgatory?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I haven’t heard from my boyfriend in a week and I don’t know what to think. He says he likes me… he even said he loves me, so I am very confused. We haven’t seen each other in the past month because he says he’s very stressed and tired from work as he owns his own business. He says it’s going to get better and has asked me to be patient. But I’m worried and need help to try to understand this. Thanks.

Dear Patience or Purgatory,

It sounds like your boyfriend is putting you through the emotional ringer trailing you along until you give up. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it doesn’t matter how busy someone is — if they like you they will make the time to call you and see you. He says he loves you… but this isn’t how you treat someone you love. You can continue trying to be patient, but you’re obviously at the end of your rope. There’s really nothing to understand: either you’re willing to be treated this way or you’re going to give him the old heave-ho and find someone who wants to spend time with you. My apologies for being so blunt, I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.


Drama-itis

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Some people attract drama into their lives like a magnet, while some people deflect it like a tinfoil sunshade and others try to avoid it like the plague.

I had a boyfriend who had an ex-girlfriend who wasn’t out of the picture. She purposely tried to cause drama to try and break us up. I could have fed into the drama by telling my boyfriend to stop talking to his ex and cut her off, but I chose to take a different path. I ignored it. Drama is like a fire: It needs oxygen to make it grow, but if you don’t feed it then it dies. My boyfriend respected me for being the better person and saw the ex for what she was and cut her off on his own. Needless to say, as soon as we broke-up the ex swooped back in on her prey, but during the relationship I was able to dispel the drama by rising above it.

If there’s drama early on, it may be a red flag. If one or both of you gets sucked in to the drama, it may be a red flag. If you don’t agree about what is drama or how to deal with it, it may also be a red flag. These are not red flags to ignore. Not only that, but you need be aware of these red flags so that you don’t consciously or subconsciously overlook them because of hope for the relationship. It doesn’t mean the relationship is necessarily doomed, but it does mean that you need to have a talk. People that are drama magnets and thrive off of it probably won’t mesh well with a person who avoids it and doesn’t flame the fire.

People create drama or put themselves in the midst of drama usually because they’re either bored, immature or both. Hopefully, a healthy and exciting romantic relationship will be enough to quell the urge for hullabaloo. Eventually, sitting at home with your significant other watching television on the couch while cuddling will be much more enjoyable and productive than spending your time on the phone instigating drama, arguing about nonsense and ignoring your mate.


Two Timer?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

Hi! I’m new to the whole online dating scene. Right now I am talking to two girls at the same time and I am not sure whether I should take them both out on dates or just one. Should I take one girl out on a date and stop speaking to the other girl even if I’m still interested in meeting both? Thanks!

Dear Two Timer?,

“Meeting” a girl on JDate does not a relationship make. I am a strong, strong advocate of poly-dating until it gets serious with one person. First of all, you may pick one girl and have no chemistry with her and now you’ve already ruined your chances with the second girl. Take them both out on dates, try to be unbiased and not compare them to each other, and save any decisions until after each date. There may be no attraction, no chemistry, or it may not be mutual with one or both of the ladies. Keep your options open at all times. Between when you “meet” a girl on JDate and when you actually meet her in person, you may “meet” even more ladies online… and guess what? That’s great! If you were able to meet that many great Jewish gals at a bar then JDate wouldn’t exist, but the fact is that you can’t; no one can, which is why JDate is so successful. Take the opportunity to meet as many women who fit your preferences as possible because the more women you meet the better your odds are of finding your Beshert. Good Luck!


What Can I Do Better?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I have read the advice and followed all the recommendations (lots of pictures, upbeat, friendly, personal, identifying common interests, etc.), but have had limited activity.  If I could have a dime for every man that I have contacted who says, “thanks for your interest, but I have recently begun a serious relationship,” I’d be wealthy. I also find these same men trolling on JDate the next day and many days after. The second most common response is to just not answer. What can I do better?

Dear What Can I Do Better?

There are always things we can improve upon, but I commend you for making such a good effort. So listen — the guys who are telling you they’ve recently begun a serious relationship are trying to let you down easy. Give them credit for at least responding and not just ignoring you or replying with something rude. Girls do it too. I know I have before. On the same hand, not all the guys who don’t respond are rejecting you, they may just not have a paid membership and can’t check their email inbox. I suggest a profile makeover for starters, utilizing an honest male friend to help you edit. Narrow down the number of photos you use to just a few great ones and make sure your paragraphs are short but sweet, and not too revealing.  I would also recommend you scaling back a little — make sure the guys are viewing you and you’re viewing them, Hot List them, see if you Click! and Flirt. If you decide to initiate email contact (hopefully you’ll receive so many emails you won’t need to send one yourself…but just in case), make sure you’re not coming on too strong or exposing too much about yourself. Simply list what got your attention, something(s) you have in common and then let them know how to contact you if they are interested. Finally, don’t mention the negative experiences you’ve had on JDate at least until the 2nd date. Good luck!


Divorced and Dejected

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

About 7 months ago my husband admitted to me that that “he didn’t think he wanted to be married to me for the next 20 or 30 years.” We’ve been married 18 years with 3 beautiful teenagers who were the focus of our marriage. He moved out 6 weeks ago and we’re at the beginning stages of a divorce.

So I’ve been betrayed, and rejected, and now my family needs to find a new normal. I want to date now even though people say it’s too early, but I’m lonely and want to do things with someone. So I signed up for JDate but I don’t know how to proceed. All I know is I don’t plan on or want to talk about my divorce while on a date.  Any advice?

Dear Divorced & Dejected,

Whew! You have had a heckuva ride these past few months. It sounds like you have a lot of healing to do but I can understand your need to be with someone… you haven’t been alone in 18 years! On one hand I think some real alone time will do you some good and on the other hand I think some real fun rebound dates where you’re made to feel wanted and gorgeous is good for the soul as well.

My advice to you regarding JDate is this: select divorced in the “current relationship status” box and under “what type of relationship are you looking for?” you should check “an activity partner,” “a date” and “a friend.” At this point you don’t need to go anywhere near the relationship or marriage categories. And in your “About Me” paragraph simply put that you are looking for fun, distraction and nothing serious as your marriage recently ended and leave it at that. You say you don’t want to talk about it with a date, so don’t.  And once you go on dates, and they ask about your marriage (because they will), simply tell your date that at this point you don’t want to talk about the past or anything negative, and that you just want to get to know him and have fun. Most of the guys you will be going out with are also going to be divorced and probably don’t want to think about their ex-wives either!

Give it some time but in the meantime, allow yourself to discover the new, independent you! Good luck!