Don’t get stuck in a relationship because you like the “idea” of the relationship, you need to love being in the relationship as much as — or more — than you like being alone. Don’t enter into a relationship because you like the “idea” of the other person, you need to love the other person as much as (although not more than) you love yourself. The idea of you and me should make you happy, should make you see the future, should inspire you and excite you. It won’t always be pretty, life never is, but do you really want to live your life based on an “idea”?

They say 1 in 5 relationships start online, but I think it’s more when it comes to the Jewish community. I know way too many couples who met on JDate® to believe that it’s only 20%. It’s gotta be way more at this point, when you start counting from Generation X and onward (ie. the ones who are both technologically savvy and who were also the ones single when JDate began). I have more than a few cousins and know more friends than I count who met on JDate. If I actually did the math, I’m almost positive it would be more than 20%. But still, I like the publicity of the general statistic because it normalizes online dating. Guess what? Online dating IS normal! If you’re Jewish, single and not on JDate, then what are you waiting for?

When assessing the components of a healthy relationship, one should look back to your earliest relationships in life. As a faculty member at an elementary school, I can see my early relationships staring me in the face every day. Asking me to tie their shoes and crying. Do you have any idea how often kindergarteners need their shoes tied? If you already know the answer, then you probably don’t work at an elementary school.

Despite the flawed logic of my past two sentences, I am going to compare things now. At the age of five, people don’t generally know concepts such as humility, embarrassment, or shame. For example, when a young person’s nose starts to run profusely, instead of getting a tissue, they let it run until their face is an indiscernible green mess and then they start crying and then they poop their pants. It always occurs in that order. Always.

Young children pretty much let it all hang out in all situations. They tend to gravitate to people they like and don’t care about anything else. There are no cliques, and I think that is the reason. The only reason that people join cliques is because they feel insecure about a variety of things. Five-year-olds don’t know anything, and insecurity is something. I think if a five-year-old befriended somebody of the opposite sex, they should just stay with that person forever. If that is not possible, then they should somehow reconnect with the other person later in life. They originally befriended each other without clogging their minds with superficialities. Of course, the real world application of this theory is probably not possible. Therefore, JDate is the next best thing.

My little brother (who is 6 inches taller than I am) and I used to hang out a lot. I wanted a t-shirt to read “——> I’m NOT with him!” or “—–> He’s my brother!” so that single guys wouldn’t not talk to me because they thought we were a couple. I know a lot of opposite gender siblings who are very close, as well as some former lovers, in addition to people who are just friends, and I think it’s actually a detriment to them and their desire to meet someone. Of course, I’m not saying you shouldn’t hang out with your opposite gender relatives and friends; I’m just saying not to do it all the time. Or to make sure you’re sending the right signals to the singles and making sure your body language says “relatives” or “just friends” to your +1. Or even go ahead and make a t-shirt; if nothing else, it’s a conversation starter!

In my experience as a coach, I’ve found there are two ways people handle their previous serious partners. You have some people who rarely, if at all, speak to them again after the breakup. They cut them out and rarely stay “friends,” and often may have unresolved issues with those partners. They may occasionally exchange some contact, but don’t really have a relationship with them by any means. Then, there are those, and I’m an example, who are genuinely friends with the majority of their ex-partners. I’m in regular contact with 4/5 of my ex-boyfriends, and when it comes to guys I “dated” but not seriously, am still very good friends with most.

You might be wondering, why does this matter?

Well, the way people relate to their exes can often tell you the way they handle their emotions and relationships. Think about it like this: your former partners were once integral people in your life. Isn’t it weird to hate them or harbor strong negative feelings toward them? (The exception is if they cheated.) For the most part, if you hear someone trash talking their exes on your date, it’s safe to say you may one day be the ex they’re trash talking. And, furthermore, someone who is talking badly about someone else means one thing: they still harbor some form of feelings for them! Remember, anger is not a lack of feelings, apathy is.

So what is the best way to handle ex-situations (whether you love or hate them)?

Here are some quick tips I like to use as guidelines:

1. Don’t rush it. In all of my successful friendship with ex boyfriends, there was a period of time right after our break up where we didn’t talk at all. No communication. Radio silence. This is necessary to get out of your “dating routine” with them. The amount of time required to “get them out of your system” varies, but figure at least a month and up to six months, depending on how long you dated and how hurt you feel.
2. Don’t force anything. If after the radio silence period mentioned above, it doesn’t feel natural to be friends, well, don’t be. You don’t have to be friends with your ex as a testament to your relationship; you just have to be ok with not insulting them to your future partners! If you do fall back in touch, as is easy to do today with such things as Facebook, etc. then go with what feels comfortable.
3. Have “the talk”, but only if you want to. My most recent serious ex (a JDate, ps!) and I had “the talk” where we discussed what went wrong in our relationship two weeks after we broke up. Then, we didn’t talk for a few more and then fell back in contact. He let me borrow his car for a work emergency thing, I remember that, that was so nice. Now, because of mutual friends (a colleague of mine is his close friend) we socialize sporadically. But the key thing here is “the talk” — you don’t have to have it, but it does wipe the slate clean. Everyone expresses themselves in a non-threatening way and because emotions aren’t strong, it’s usually OK. It’s also good because it gives you fodder to joke about how awful you were to each other.

There is one other issue about ex-partners: what your new partner will think about your relationship with them. I have a pretty succinct way of putting it, “if I wanted to be with them, I would be, but I want to be with you.” It is that simple. As long as you’re still not getting physical with your exes, your new partner should be ok that they are in your life. How close is too close depends on you and your partner’s comfort zone but a good rule of thumb is to make sure you new partner’s feelings come first.

The Best-Case Scenario:

Remember that guy I mentioned above that I dated from JDate? Well, something recently happened that I’ve come to describe as “the best possible scenario you can have with your ex” (I’ll find a shorter name for it soon!) and that is one of mutual respect and admiration. Basically, he and I ran into each other with aforementioned mutual friend and after a little catching up, I told him I was glad we were friends and that I knew I could count on him. He told me that he had a new girlfriend (I’ve since Facebook stalked her, and I approve) and that when she and he first started dating, she asked about his recent ex (me!) His response was something around the lines of “Mel really had her stuff together.” It doesn’t get much better than that: his new girlfriend probably saw what a respectful, mature guy he was, and I felt all warm and fuzzy that despite our shortfalls as a couple, he still respected me as an individual. Win-win-win.

Bottom line: don’t trash talk, don’t force anything, and don’t put your new partner’s feelings second to your ex’s. If your new partner seems uncomfortable, don’t belittle him/her for his/her feelings –  try to understand them.

Across the board, almost without fail, people tend to forget about their friends when they start a new relationship. It’s a nasty habit, and singles ought to make a pledge not to forget about the people who were there for them (and will be there for them if and when this current relationship ends). It’s always the same tune, different song: when you’re single and looking you surround yourself with your single friends for going out and your coupled-up friends for hanging out. Then once you start dating someone and it gets serious you instantly drop all your friends and become completely immersed in the new relationship. Your single friends are put by the wayside, and only once your relationship reaches the level of double-dating do you commence communicating with your coupled-up friends. Your single friends only resurface after you either have “The Talk” or break-up. That is, if they stick around long enough. I think it’s natural to want to hang out with other couples when you become one of them, but it’s sad when you lose sight of your devoted friends during a new phase in your life.

I understand why it happens: when you’re on the inside of something new, you want to spend all of your free time together, and when you can’t be together, you’re on the phone or texting or emailing because it’s new and exciting and you’re getting to know each other better and falling in love. And even if you do pay some attention to your friends, your mind wanders back to your new relationship, and you don’t focus well on listening to what they have to say. Or all you do is talk about your new relationship until your friends lose their minds.

When we’re the single friends being left out to dry we hate it, yet we do the same thing when it’s our turn. So let’s all make a promise not to forget about our friends (or bore them to death with every last detail of our new relationship) when we become somebody’s boyfriend of girlfriend. You will need and want your friends one day – whether this relationship makes it or not – so show them how much you appreciate them by not ditching them the minute you find love.

Let’s start with a few quick texting tips for both the ladies and gents:

1. Don’t text to ask someone on a date, especially a first date.
2. Don’t break a date via text, unless you don’t care whether or not you’ll reschedule. If you truly do want to meet the person, call them up. The personal connection and time you take to call shows you care.
3. Text-flirting is good but make sure that you’re comfortable with what you’re texting. In other words, make sure the temperature of your texts matches up with the temperature of your real-life relationship. (More on this in a sec)

A tip for the ladies: don’t send those “three text-long” texts to a guy you’re just starting to date. Keep it short, sweet, and to the point. And gents, texting is good to maintain some rapport but not a complete substitute for picking up the phone and calling her!

Ok, now that we’ve got some basics out of the way. Let’s talk temperature. What does that even mean? Temperature refers to the tone of the text message. Think of a scale of cold – neutral – hot. A text that says something like “hi, whatcha doing?” falls in the neutral category because it’s probably not going to elicit a huge emotional reaction from its recipient. Answering something like “thinking of you” shifts things into a higher temperature — it’s probably going to put a smile on the face of the person reading it.

So here’s what I always say about texting — keep the temperature consistent with your real-life interactions. For example, if you’ve just started seeing someone, you’re probably not at the “hi baby honey shmoopie” stage, so your text messages shouldn’t be. But, that doesn’t mean you need to be cold either. In short, text how you talk. This is good because it’s consistent with your real-life interactions so shouldn’t slow down/weird anyone out.

On the other hand, if everything’s in neutral (shy people unite!) texting is a great way to flirt and raise the temperature. Time for date #2? Text your guy that you’re dying for him to smell your new perfume. Or gents, tell your lady that you need her opinion of your new shirt/pants/tie/whatever because you’re just asking her to check you out. Here’s the catch though: you can’t text-flirt and then not back it up when you get together! Just remember, if they’re flirting with you it’s because they’re into you.

Rule of thumb? If you’re into the person, try to maintain your texting temp, or raise it. Responding to a message like “Hope you’re having a great day! I know I am since we’re going to that great show tonight” with “its fine, thanks” is just a buzzkill!

Got a question? Comment below or send Mel a private e-mail here.

Remember that TLC song “What About Your Friends?”
What about your friends?
Will they stand their ground?
Will they let you down?
What about your friends?
Are they gonna be low down?
Will they ever be around?
Or will they turn their backs on you?

Epic words, right? But across the board, almost without fail, people tend to forget about their friends when they start a new relationship. It’s a nasty habit and singles ought to make a pledge not to forget about the people who were there for them before and will be there for them if and when this current relationship ends.

It’s always the same tune, different song: When you’re single and looking to surround yourself with your single friends. Then once you start dating someone and it gets serious you instantly drop all your friends and being completely immersed in the new relationship. Your single friends are put by the wayside and only once your relationship reaches the level of double-dating, do you commence communicating — with your coupled-up friends. Your single friends only resurface after you either have “The Talk” or break-up. That is, if they stick around long enough.

I think it’s natural to want to hang out with other couples when you become one of them, but it’s sad when you lose sight of your devoted friends during a new phase in your life. I understand why it happens: When you’re on the inside of something new you want to spend all of your free time together and when you can’t be together you’re on the phone talking or texting or emailing because it’s new and exciting and you’re getting to know each other better and falling in love. And even if you do pay some attention to your friends your mind wanders back to your new relationship and you don’t focus well on listening to what they have to say. Or all you do is talk about your new relationship until your friends lose their minds. And the worst part is you’re so self-involved you don’t even realize what you’re doing.

When we’re the single friends being left out to dry we hate it, yet we do the same thing when it’s our turn. So let’s all make a promise not to forget about our friends (or bore them to death with every last detail of our new relationship) when we become somebody’s boyfriend or girlfriend. You will need and want your friends one day – whether this relationship makes it or not – so show them how much you appreciate them by not ditching them the minute you (possibly) find love.

For whatever my self-reflective opinion is worth, I consider myself to be an extraordinarily low maintenance woman in the context of a relationship. I am an ideal match for the lazy man, the poor man or the jerk. So when my tremendously low expectations are not met, this is a very bad sign. When it becomes apparent that the recipient of the Valentine’s Day note I wrote, in all my rare earnestness, had not read said note, even several days after its receipt, I raised an eyebrow to the validity of his stated interest. This made the next two to three disappointments he managed to squeeze in over the next few days all the more predictable and therefore easy to accept. Work today was awkward obviously. We spoke on the phone just now to confirm that yes, it’s for the best we terminate the dating aspect of our friendship. On his end there were some apologies, some “I like you but…” and some hemming and hawing and not knowing what he wants from life at the present time. In the end, the conversation was a lot of blah blah blah. Cordial blah blah blah though and work tomorrow will not be so awkward.

After you’ve finally recovered from the surprise demise of what you thought was a relationship headed in the right direction, how do you trust your instincts again when it comes to dating? It’s hard to get back out there after a broken heart and it’s even more difficult to know if you can not only trust your gut but also take someone at their word. A broken heart will wreak havoc on your self-esteem, your self-confidence and your self-worth, not to mention your sub-conscience.

About five years ago I was blind-sided by a break-up. Not only was it out of left field, but I felt so confident about the relationship I didn’t know how the guy could have felt differently without me knowing. After a few weeks moping, hanging out with my girlfriends and throwing myself into my work, I was ready to start dipping my toe in the dating waters. I wasn’t ready for a new relationship quite yet, but I needed to bring myself back from the brink. Seeing what (or rather, who) was out there would help me finish healing. So I signed back on to JDate and fielded messages and phone calls from some really great guys who had my interest piqued. But my inner alarm kept ringing. How could I know that this guy wouldn’t hurt me also? I didn’t. That we can never know and it’s a risk we take in love and life. But how could I know that this guy was being genuine about how much he liked me? Again, I would just have to take a risk and make sure I kept my eyes open to any warning signs.

It’s definitely hard to trust not only yourself but the person you’re dating after a painful break-up. You become cynical. Every statement, every action, is doubted and dissected. And that skepticism is hard to hide and unfortunately will lead to making your dates fail no matter how great the other person was. Believe that the right person is out there and that putting only your best self forward will help in finding him or her. Eventually I did meet my next boyfriend, but alas that relationship also didn’t pan out, although this time I was the one to bring an end to it. I would go through more than a few of these before meeting my husband but at least I felt good knowing I gave them 100%.

The thing we all have to understand about dating is that no matter how many dates you go on, no matter how many relationships you’ve been in or for how long you were in them, only one is going to be the ultimate success (okay, maybe two, but that’s not the point here). So each date you go on and each relationship you enter deserves to be given your full attention, your entire focus and entered into with an open heart. Until you meet your beshert, dating is cyclical. First date after first date, relationship after relationship, break-up after break-up. It’s easy to get jaded and frustrated, but eventually the cycle will end with the right person at the right time.