Happy Nu Year (Part 2)

by AndyCowan under Judaism,Single Life

Welcome back to September 12, 2012. Or forward, that is. Hope you’re having a rockin’ Jewish New Year’s Eve. Our own Sarah Silverman is at Times Square feeling the electricity…

Sarah: “Actually, Andy, it’s the pins and needles from my foot being asleep. Jews everywhere partying like it’s 5999. That was the Prince song he was smart enough not to release. Jewish New Year’s Eve is the one night when we throw caution to the wind and really let our hair down. As a full-fledged member of the tribe, I can attest that it’s a nice break from all the other nights of the year when our hair lets us down, but I’ve learned to live with the frizzies, if you call this living. Here’s a young man that looks like he’s ready to nosh up a storm. Happy Jewish New Year!”

Young man: “What’s nosh mean?”

Sarah: “Keep moving – There’s a sale on mayonnaise down the street, not that you’d care. About the sale, that is. Okay, now here’s a gal that looks like she’s in for a night of kvelling. Happy Jewish New Year!”

Gal: “Same to you.”

Sarah: “Are you making any Jewish New Year’s resolutions this year?”

Gal: “I resolve to resent my folks for spray-painting my name and phone number on their roof in case an eligible young doctor spots it on Google Earth.”

Sarah: “Finally, a resolution that’s unbreakable. If an eligible young doctor is watching, I’m on JDate.”

Sarah, I have to interrupt! We’re just seconds away from the sun dropping down into 5773!

Ten-nine-eight-seven-six-five-four-three-two-one…Happy Jewish New Year! Come on, folks. Look up from your hand-held devices.

Okay, so maybe most of us will be gazing at Blackberrys® versus blackberry Manischewitz shooters the first night of 5773. But at least that’ll leave us bright-eyed and bushy-tailed the next morning for the Roses’ Parade. The Roses – the parade sponsors who allowed me to co-opt their name for that little joke. First up – the Larry David float. All natural materials, the little pisher he’s kicking off his front yard is a mixture of 350 blintzes and 84 pounds of lox. While Larry is crafted from a combination of knishes and bitter herbs.


Unbreakable Resolutions

by AndyCowan under Date Night,Relationships,Single Life

It’s not too early to begin making dating resolutions for 2012… resolutions you’re guaranteed to keep. So let’s begin, shall we?

1)   Stop having dates that are absolutely perfect.
2)   Make more of an effort to sweat the small stuff.
3)   Work less at understanding your date’s differences of opinion.
4)   Savor the art of not listening.
5)   Try harder to hold grudges.
6)   Don’t move out of your comfort zone.
7)   Come with a lot more baggage.
8)   Savor the greener grass of your friends’ relationships.
9)   Look at your significant other’s heart as half empty vs. half full
10)  Always try to have the last word.

There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?  And my last New Year’s wish to you… May you fall off the wagon on numbers one through ten.