The Platonic Female Roommate

by JeremySpoke under JBloggers,Single Life

There’s a saying.  Here’s how this saying goes: Men will eventually want to sleep with any female they have.  I have found this to be true, with two exceptions.  So I guess I have found this to be untrue.  Either way, listen to me, or you’re going to lose friends.  Maybe you won’t.  What do I know; I’m writing this alone on a queen-sized bed.

I joined JDate and I was so good at being single that I was hired to write about being single.  Now I’m single, and I write about being single, and that subsequently makes me sadder about being single.  I am far from being one of the relationship experts on this site.  They probably get paid/laid.

The last paragraph was independent of anything that I said or will say in this post.  I don’t know why I’m leaving it there.  Anyway, if you are a man and are thinking of rooming with a female, don’t.  One of two things will happen. 1, you will end up sleeping with her and will eventually break up and it will become impossible to live together.  Or, 2, you will grow to hate each other because platonic friends of the opposite sex are not meant to cohabitate.  I have lived with a female twice and they both ended in disaster.

The first time, I was in college.  My four best friends and I decided to rent a duplex.  One of these friends was/is a girl.  Within a month, she was having panic attacks and stress-induced hallucinations involving clean living quarters that never materialized.  Guys are ne’er-do-wells and women are hygienic.  That’s what happens when I use the thesaurus function on Microsoft Word to look for better alternatives to ‘slobs’ and ‘clean.’  So my first experience living with a girl was a disaster.  It lasted only a year, which is good, because I might not have my best friend if it was any longer.

My second experience living with a girl is currently in its final stage.  She is a friend from high school and prominent member of Prom Disaster ’02.  I don’t think I have to explain that one.  We all remember what happened.  So we have lived together for about two years now and my flaws are crystallizing in her mind with time.  It’s just not working, so I’m moving out next week.

If you are female, and have successfully lived platonically with a male for an extended period of time, and it’s going well, it’s really not.  He wants to sleep with you.  My two platonic female roommates were very pretty, but we weren’t attracted to each other, so I was able to dodge the sex bullet.

Tags: