under Date Night
Can you give me some insight into the Secret Admirer situation on JDate? I’ve only been on the site for a week, but this game already has me so off-keel that I’ve started blocking everyone whose profile shows up in these things because of the likelihood that one of these people is playing games and wasting my time (I read a blog post by another JBlogger saying that when he gets these Secret Admirer messages he says yes to everyone, regardless of whether he’s interested in them, just to find out who’s interested in him — if that’s the case, I’d rather not ever show up in that person’s list of potential Secret Admirers, so I block my profile from showing up in their search feed).
Is there a way to step back from this nuclear option before I block everyone? Even if I didn’t block the guys, but just ignore the messages, I’m potentially turning away people who might actually make a good match, or at least a fun date.
Dear Strung-Out on Secret Admirer:
You’ve blocked everyone who selects you as a match on Secret Admirer? Oy vey! First you need to start with un-blocking everyone. You have no idea which guys were possibly playing “the game” and which weren’t… and now you’ve systematically eliminated all of them!
Do some people treat Secret Admirer like a game? Sure. But, why is that so bad? If you take it seriously, then what is there to lose? If you don’t want to think about who is possibly playing the game and who isn’t, then just wait and let any matches email you first. Try not to let a simple algorithm get the best of you. Dating is frustrating enough without complicating things that are supposed to make it easier!
under Online Dating
Among the gentlemen I have “Secretly Admired,” there is this one guy I particularly like but he hasn’t “admired” me back. I’ve seen that he logged in recently, but there’s no record of him viewing my profile… which, of course, could be just due to his search setting not showing the profiles he views. I think there are good chances he did view my profile and is simply not interested. However, there are also some slim chances he just missed the admirer game.
To cut a long story short… should I email the guy? Or would I just make a complete fool of myself?
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Dear Should I Email?
The short answer is YES! You’re exactly right, his search preferences may not include you, or he may not know about the ability to use the “See Who’s Viewed You” function. Alas, he would need nearly all of his search preferences to exclude you in order for you to not show up, and nearly everyone uses the “Viewed You” function. Since he hasn’t even viewed your profile, then he may be judging a book by it’s cover and may not prefer your profile photo. Switch it up. Take some new photos.
At the end of the day though, don’t leave it to chance. Send him an email, but don’t bother including the details of “Secretly Admiring” him or constantly viewing him, just tell him you think he’s attractive, and note a few of the things you have in common.
Hi Ms. Caspi,
I am new to this online dating scenario, but I am willing and excited to try. Question: can a guy hit the flirt button too often???!!! Can I pay you a compliment? You Are A Supernova!
First of all, thank you for the compliment! Now on to your JDate question: can you “Flirt” too much? Yes and no… you can’t click “Flirt” more than 30 times a day and you can’t send a Flirt to someone more than once. Additionally, you can only see your Flirts (as well as other emails) if you are a paid subscriber since they go to your inbox. The key is to try and find the Flirt message that either most sounds like it would come from you and your personality or one which matches what you think the person you’re sending the Flirt to would want to receive. You can see that someone Flirted with you via the heart/smiley face icon but you won’t be able to read which exact one was chosen for you (although knowing the person sent you the Flirt is usually more important than the actual content). If you max out on Flirts in one day, then yes, you’re sending too many. Use Secret Admirer which is totally anonymous until the other person also says Yes or use Favorites to let someone know they are on your radar.
The start of a week with what is most likely amazing weather outside your office window while you’re stuck inside until late afternoon each day is enough to put a damper on anyone’s mood. Try to change the odds in your favor by booking at least one date this week. By having something to look forward to, you will perk up and while the week may feel like it’s draggin at first it will seem to have flown by in retrospect. While you’re at it, book a second date. One during the week and one on the weekend. How?, you ask? Use the Secret Admirer feature to let prospects know you’re interested and Favorite them and send them a Flirt. Men who see these clear hints a woman is interested should write an email. Women who notice a man repeatedly viewing her profile can also send an email. JDate works best when you’re actively using the tools they provide so stop browsing and start clicking!
If just one other person in the world can identify with me on this very specific problem, I would feel a lot better about most aspects of my life. When I get an email titled ‘One of these JDaters® is your Secret Admirer!’, I immediately shift into desperation mode. I have to know who my secret admirer is, at all costs. If you don’t know how this process works, every once in a while, JDate will send you an email with like five JDate profiles attached to it. You are told that one of these five people has a crush on you. In order to know who it is, you have to say that you have a crush on the same one that likes you. Of course, most people would probably go ahead and pick the one or two women on this list they are interested in. I blitz the email by ‘secret admiring’ (not at all a verb) all five women listed, regardless of whether I like them or not. I have to find out who likes me. Somebody likes me? I must know who. Now.
I then sit and wait for the email telling me which woman it is that likes me. I stop whatever I was previously doing (crying, not returning phone calls) and sit perfectly still facing the wall. I turn off the television and stare at my smart phone, praying that I don’t momentarily lose Wi-Fi just in case that is the exact moment I find out what women is in love with me. Damn you modern technology. Do not deny me true love. Once I do get the email, it is always the woman whom I am the least interested in. Well that is a disappointment that I was completely prepared and ready for. Now I can go to bed, safe in the knowledge that I will die alone.
I’ve belonged to JDate for many years, but the format has definitely changed. I am 75 and want to see men 75-79. HOW DO I GO ABOUT THIS???
Dear New Profile Format Help!,
It always takes me time to get used to new formats. It took me months to stop noticing and getting annoyed by the new Facebook and Twitter formats so I’m sure it’s frustrating when your favorite dating website changes things on you. But don’t fret, I’m here to help! First, take some time to explore the new site. Play with different levers: change your preferences, fill out the Color Code personality quiz, use the Click!® and Flirt features, send messages, play Secret Admirer or answer the fun trivia questions and so on. You have a realistic age range, so then be flexible and tinker with the other categories. Most importantly, be patient while you adjust to the new format.