Mirror, Mirror

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”

When you’re looking in the full length mirror I bought freshman year of college at one of those big box stores then you will ALWAYS be the fairest because every single person looks great when they look in this mirror. It’s like a funhouse mirror — everyone looks tall and narrow. And it’s why 15 years later I still own that mirror even though the cheap plastic frame has broken and the cardboard backing flops around. It’s the perfect mirror for selfies and for increasing your confidence before stepping out for a date.

Except then you see your reflection in a storefront window once you’re out on the date and realize that your proportions are all off and you’re not as tall and narrow and fabulous looking as you thought. Or are you?

If looking at some warped mirror or in your bathroom mirror which has perfect lighting or asking a friend who will always tell you that you look awesome is what you need to see or hear to make you feel ultra-confident before a date, then do so. Why spend time on a date worrying about some cowlick in the back of your head that you can’t see or if your black top and black pants are “matching” blacks or any other small imperfection. If you’re on an awesome date then neither of you will notice anything else.

Avoiding an Ex

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships,Single Life

Running an errand post-workout you spot an ex from afar while looking a hot mess. You are in a good place in your life and are in a great relationship (albeit sans ring), but you still don’t want the guy or gal who dumped you seeing you in your current state of disarray. What to do? A few options:

  • If he/she has yet to see you and you aren’t in any rush, then turn around and duck into the nearest store/hallway and wait until he/she has passed before continuing on your day.
  • If there is nowhere to go without it being too obvious then plaster a huge smile on your face and say, “Hi” cheerfully. A great smile distracts  from your askew hair and sweaty clothes. If you can get off with just a “Hi! How are you?” then do so and keep walking confidently.
  • Keep that smile on if you are forced to stop and chat. Hold your head up high, don’t offer too much information about your life and definitely try to avoid rambling (“my boyfriend this…. my fiance that…”). Less is more in this situation and trying to prove that you are doing well without him/her (whether it is the truth or not) is only going to make it look like you are doing just that.

You may have moved on happily, or you may still be feeling the burn from this break-up. Doesn’t matter. You’ve heard the phrase “image is everything”? Well, how you present yourself is what will be remembered in this scenario, so always hold your head high.

Having the Confidence To Be Alone

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

I received an interesting response to my recent article “Having the Confidence to Get Out of a Bad Relationship“: I know it’s really hard to get out of a troubling relationship, I waited for months before manning up and finishing it once and for all. I think it all comes down to lack of self respect and doubting you’ll get back on your feet after the breakup. It’s true. Many people are scared of being alone, scared they will never find anyone better – or anyone else for that matter – and are willing to settle. But you will recover and chances are very high you will meet someone else. Realistically, a few of you will end up alone, but most of you will meet someone and get married. So suck it up and get out of a failing relationship and go find someone who makes you happy… even if that means you being happy by yourself for a little while.

Immunity Challenge

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

We all like to say that we don’t care what other people think about us, but when tested you’ll soon find that you’re not immune to being affected by what others say. In dating, this can have a huge effect on your psyche and self-esteem. When you walk into a bar, event or schmoozer everyone is going to look to see who came through the door. And then they’re going to judge you. They will judge you for being beautiful, for being confident, for being sexy, for all the negative opposites, but most importantly they’re going to judge you for taking attention away from them and for being competition.

Try to not let negativity get to you when you’re at a singles event because it won’t help. That said, try not to make negative judgments either. A hater is the worst. Such a turn-off. Do you know what an attractive quality is in someone? Someone who can acknowledge a positive in their competition, be it their looks, personality or outfit.

Self-Esteem Smashing

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

What’s up with these men who show interest in me but don’t act on it? I admit, sometimes I need to be a little more aggressive, yet there’s a fine line because some men do not care for that. Then there are some perfect matches, but there’s no contact. I had a lot of success receiving emails and follow through emails in the past so this is turning out to affect my self esteem. Any advice?

Dear Self-Esteem Smashing,

Dating is tough on the ego. The old saying “whatever does not kill you will only make you stronger” comes to mind. Telling you to be resilient would be the understatement of the century. You’re going to go through dry spells but you’ll only come out the other end if you stick with it and keep your positive mentality intact. Believe me, I know it’s tough. I went through times of despair when I would take breaks, but simply put — and you know this — you’re not going to meet someone if you give up first. Remember not to take it personally. You’re not going to be everyone’s type just like not every guy is your type, even if you do seem to match up on paper (or rather, on screen). Try to widen your net and see if there are other guys out there who may not seem like a perfect match but have just as great traits (or better!).

Dressing Debacles

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Oh. My. Goodness. Why do women insist on wearing the skimpiest little outfits to JDate and other Jewish singles events? I have witnessed woman after woman wearing the tightest, shortest, sheerest outfits I’ve ever seen. Skinny, average, overweight, tall, medium, short, nearly every woman walked in looking like she had only bought half the dress and left the rest on the rack. I so very much appreciate their confidence, but I think it’s actually masking insecurity.

I watched as these women kept readjusting their tops as their dresses fell, pulling down their skirts as they rode up on the dance floor- I saw way more than I ever asked for. Not only did they look ridiculous but, needless to say, they were uncomfortable, as well. Of course, the men weren’t complaining. But what these ladies didn’t realize is that the men weren’t looking at them with the “That’s my future wife, I want to marry her” look in their eyes. No, they were thinking something very different, thoughts that didn’t include respect or commitment. All the women saw, however, were eyes on them and the attention they were receiving, not realizing if it was positive or negative.

I’m not saying women should dress like nuns in order to be taken seriously as marriage material. I’m just saying to put a little more thought into how you’re representing yourself. You’re obviously going to a JDate event because you’re Jewish and single and looking to mingle, so why not dress a bit more, say, unadventurous, but less, say, provocatively? Think about the thought that goes through your mind when you see a girl on the dance floor shaking her tushie while wearing what adds up to about two band-aids worth of material. You would look at her with disgust in your eyes while being appalled by the taste of all the men checking her out. Don’t become that girl. Show respect for yourself by dressing elegantly. A sexy dress is actually sexier when it covers more skin rather than less. Leave something to the imagination.

Being sexy, showing your feminine side or showing some skin for that matter, doesn’t make you un-marry-able; that’s not what I’m saying. But when you’re single and looking to find your Beshert, just think twice about what you’re putting on when you’re getting dressed and about the kind of message it will send. When you’re looking for something to wear to a JDate event, or even on a JDate, make sure you’re comfortable and confident. That combination is what makes a woman sexy!

So Which One Are You Now?

by RollingStone9862 under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships

Since a majority of people on JDate have four or five pictures of themselves posted on their profile it is only natural that they aren’t going to look exactly the same in each picture. Different environments, times of the year and styles all contribute to a certain degree of variance between each snap shot. Over the course of six months or a year, even though a person’s physical features may not noticeably change, their hairstyles (and amount of facial hair for men), style of clothing and settings where their pictures are primarily taken might change, creating a different look for each picture.

Recently I have been asked by several lovely ladies with whom I have been emailing on JDate which one of my pictures I currently look the most like. This repeated question caused me to re-evaluate my aesthetic look in each photo in order to determine which one most clearly indicates how I look right now. The funny part of this analysis was that two of the pictures I had posted were from the spring, but due to the lighting, how I had my hair styled and the clothes I was wearing didn’t depict my current “look” as well as an older picture I also have up on my profile from last summer.

Even though I have the same hairstyle and am wearing similar clothing to my current style  in the photo from last summer, I was lazy in the days leading up to the photo and therefore have way more facial hair than I would ever normally have. Unfortunately, in the two other pictures I have posted my head is buzzed, which I used to do quite frequently.  Even though I think they are good photos of me in general, they don’t come close to illustrating my current look.

Ultimately, the pictures we choose to represent us on dating websites are important since they are the first thing we notice about a profile, which serves as the gateway to whether or not we proceed to read through the rest of it. In the end I think that it is essential for our self-confidence that we project a positive initial impression, and the only way JDaters® can do that is online. So why not post pictures that you feel good about? As long as you aren’t completely misleading people, I think it’s important to always try to put your best self forward.