Do You Expect Respect or Demand It?

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

I was chatting with an ex-boyfriend recently, just catching up on where life has taken us since we last spoke 10 years ago, when he mentioned that our timing was bad when we had dated way back when. My recollection was way different. He was a total jerk who stomped on my heart. Forgive and forget, sure, but I don’t ever really forget.

Interestingly, I am able to take responsibility for a part of it 10 years later. Why? Because I allowed him — and other boyfriends or guys I dated — to treat me disrespectfully. What does that mean? It means I didn’t put my foot down or even run the other way when I didn’t like how they were treating me — not calling when they said they would, canceling on dates, not being totally forthright, not giving me the commitment I desired, etc., — therefore I allowed it. I can see now that many of the experiences I had could have been prevented had I demanded respect. Sure, I expected respect, but clearly not enough. It must be demanded and in this case, actions (walking away from the situation for good) speak louder than words (saying “you’re being disrespectful,” but not leaving, and therefore allowing it).

Perhaps it was an age thing; I was in my 20s. Or perhaps it’s a gender thing. Or maybe it was the type of guy I was going for and the hope that I could tame a bad boy. Likely it was a combination of all of the above. Many young women are so afraid of being dumped, or being alone, or not having the guy come running after you as you walk out the door, or we place our value in who we are dating, that we don’t say anything. We hope it was a fluke, or a one-off, or that they will grow to respect you more.

The truth is that we need to respect ourselves — men and women of all ages — more, and value our worth more, in order to understand why certain behavior is not acceptable and to walk away. Keep walking away until someone comes along who respects you, values you and believes you are worthy.

Attention Grabber

by Tamar Caspi under Date Night,JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

With all the holiday parties coming up, what should you do to stand out — and what tactics should you not employ?

The best way to attract others is to be happy, to enjoy yourself, and to laugh. Dress to impress — look good, feel good. Show your confidence and exert yourself. But don’t go overboard trying to get attention.

A woman I saw last night, who was being loud, had clearly been drinking too much, and was dressed provocatively, showing way too much skin. Unfortunately, she was only attracting the type of guys who were looking for a hookup. Her tamer girlfriends, meanwhile, were on the edge of the scene and enjoying the company of some great guys.

On the same note, a guy I noticed last night who was commanding the room with his lewd jokes, cussing a lot, and flirting with girls he clearly wasn’t interested in as a joke, was turning off all the women in the room. Even his guy friends were slowly putting distance between themselves because they wanted to meet quality women, and those women were not drawn to their friend’s spotlight.

Be respectful of yourself and others. Be positive, put out positive energy, and you will attract positive people — both friends and more.

First Date Sex

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

So many women have said to me, “I didn’t sleep with him on the first date because I actually like him.” These women are concerned that if they had sex with their date then he wouldn’t respect them afterwards. Or he wouldn’t care for a 2nd date because hey, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

So here’s my advice: don’t allow the date to get to the point where you are having to make the decision about sex. Don’t go back to his place (or yours) and that way you won’t be in an awkward position, literally. Sometimes couples have sex on the first date and end up getting married, but most of the time it doesn’t work out that way.

Ladies, listen: I’m not sure why you may be afraid to tell a man you don’t want to have sex. Is it because you think he isn’t going to call you again if you say no? Then you have your answer about what kind of man he is. If you’re afraid to say no then don’t put yourself in that position. If you’re afraid to say no then you probably don’t want to date this man anyways. If he’s pressuring you for sex then he most likely doesn’t see you as marriage material and he’s not going to call you, whether you sleep with him or not. So wouldn’t you rather keep your dignity?

Dress for Sex-ess

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

As we enter the working world we are told to “dress for success” — to wear a suit or conservative dress to each job interview, no matter what the industry, in order to look as professional as possible. So why should dressing for a date be any different? At a huge gala I attended last night the women were showing skin left and right — cleavage, upper thigh, stomach, shoulders and more — in the hopes of getting attention from the male partygoers. But the men are looking at the women and seeing sex, not wife material. There are ways to look sexy without showing so much skin. One body part at a time — either cleavage or legs or shoulders, but not all 3 at once! — is actually sexier plus respectful, which is also sexy. So don’t dress for sex, but for relationship success.

How About My Place?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

“How about my place?” always only means one thing – wanna have sex? And if you don’t want to have sex, then don’t accept the offer to go upstairs. It’s a difficult question to answer because you want to spend more time with your date and yeah, you probably do want to make-out a bit, but if you say yes to going home together then you will only have to reject your date later when you’re rounding 1st (or 2nd) base and you suddenly feel uncomfortable.

But rejecting the offer for a nightcap, or even just “hanging out”, doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. In fact, it probably means your date may just want to hook up and doesn’t see the relationship going anywhere. This isn’t always the case, there are exceptions to everything, but 9 times out of 10 it will only lead one place: sex.

If you want to have sex then great, but if you’re expecting a phone call the next day… don’t hold your breath. And if you reject the offer to go home with your date and are expecting a phone call the next day… don’t hold your breath. Bottom line, this is not the right person for you if you are looking for something serious. Better (and less awkward) to reject the offer to go home together then to have to wait and reject the offer for sex once your shirt is halfway off.

Keep ‘Em With Kindness

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

I can now admit that I didn’t always used to act very lady-like when a waiter would get my order wrong. See, I’m allergic to onions and I always say “no onions please” when I order my food but 9 times out of 10 my food arrives with scallions sprinkled on top. Um, did you know that scallions are a form of onion? I did. So are chives. Shocker right? Well, the waiter and/or cook must not be educated on this topic and it irks me to no end. I used to lose my cool, give dirty looks, speak in a nasty tone and just be plain rude. Would I get a new dish without onions that was probably comped (and spit on)? Sure. But it would also ruin our dinner.

I was totally unaware of my behavior but others were not. Finally, my then-boyfriend-now-husband let me know and told me he wouldn’t stand for it and found it to be a huge turn-off. He told me the cold hard truth – I was embarrassing myself and the people I was with (including him) by acting like an ungrateful, spoiled brat. He asked me if I wanted people to think of me in an ugly manner. Of course the answer was no. He told me that if I didn’t change he would have to seriously rethink our relationship because he wouldn’t marry somebody who didn’t respect the hard-working people of the service industry. Obviously that got my attention. I was completely oblivious to my own facial expressions and tones but I was aware when others acted in an ugly manner in restaurants or stores and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want others to look at me that way anymore, especially not my significant other.

So I changed and for the better. I order more specifically and make sure to show the waiter a smile and appreciation for having to customize my order. Does my food still arrive with onions sometimes? Sure. But I recognize how hard the waiter is working and sweetly ask for my food to be replaced. My now-husband is incredibly proud of me and recently when the waiter got my order wrong three times in a row he was impressed by my self-restraint and ability to keep my composure.

It doesn’t matter if you’re on the worst date ever, don’t lose your cool on the waiter. It’s okay to be thought of as that person there was no chemistry with but you don’t want to be remembered as rude. And if you’re on a date that’s borderline – still being decided if it’s going well or not – you don’t want to influence it for the worse because you were inconsiderate. Finally, if a date is going great, don’t ruin it by being ungrateful and impolite.

Women always say they want a man who treats his mother well, but it’s more telling how he treats the waiter. If he thinks the waiter is his personal servant it’s likely he’ll think of you that way, too, one day. And ungrateful women will most definitely be categorized as snobs and no one wants to marry a snob. You may say you don’t care what people think of you but you also don’t want to be thought of anything less than positive, right?

It’s the little things like saying “please” and “thank you” and actually meaning it that go a long way. It shows you are mature, have good manners and understand the value of hard work. Those are the virtues to want in your husband or wife and the mother or father of your future children.

Patience or Purgatory?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I haven’t heard from my boyfriend in a week and I don’t know what to think. He says he likes me… he even said he loves me, so I am very confused. We haven’t seen each other in the past month because he says he’s very stressed and tired from work as he owns his own business. He says it’s going to get better and has asked me to be patient. But I’m worried and need help to try to understand this. Thanks.

Dear Patience or Purgatory,

It sounds like your boyfriend is putting you through the emotional ringer trailing you along until you give up. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it doesn’t matter how busy someone is — if they like you they will make the time to call you and see you. He says he loves you… but this isn’t how you treat someone you love. You can continue trying to be patient, but you’re obviously at the end of your rope. There’s really nothing to understand: either you’re willing to be treated this way or you’re going to give him the old heave-ho and find someone who wants to spend time with you. My apologies for being so blunt, I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.

Dressing Debacles

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Oh. My. Goodness. Why do women insist on wearing the skimpiest little outfits to JDate and other Jewish singles events? I have witnessed woman after woman wearing the tightest, shortest, sheerest outfits I’ve ever seen. Skinny, average, overweight, tall, medium, short, nearly every woman walked in looking like she had only bought half the dress and left the rest on the rack. I so very much appreciate their confidence, but I think it’s actually masking insecurity.

I watched as these women kept readjusting their tops as their dresses fell, pulling down their skirts as they rode up on the dance floor- I saw way more than I ever asked for. Not only did they look ridiculous but, needless to say, they were uncomfortable, as well. Of course, the men weren’t complaining. But what these ladies didn’t realize is that the men weren’t looking at them with the “That’s my future wife, I want to marry her” look in their eyes. No, they were thinking something very different, thoughts that didn’t include respect or commitment. All the women saw, however, were eyes on them and the attention they were receiving, not realizing if it was positive or negative.

I’m not saying women should dress like nuns in order to be taken seriously as marriage material. I’m just saying to put a little more thought into how you’re representing yourself. You’re obviously going to a JDate event because you’re Jewish and single and looking to mingle, so why not dress a bit more, say, unadventurous, but less, say, provocatively? Think about the thought that goes through your mind when you see a girl on the dance floor shaking her tushie while wearing what adds up to about two band-aids worth of material. You would look at her with disgust in your eyes while being appalled by the taste of all the men checking her out. Don’t become that girl. Show respect for yourself by dressing elegantly. A sexy dress is actually sexier when it covers more skin rather than less. Leave something to the imagination.

Being sexy, showing your feminine side or showing some skin for that matter, doesn’t make you un-marry-able; that’s not what I’m saying. But when you’re single and looking to find your Beshert, just think twice about what you’re putting on when you’re getting dressed and about the kind of message it will send. When you’re looking for something to wear to a JDate event, or even on a JDate, make sure you’re comfortable and confident. That combination is what makes a woman sexy!