Serial Dater

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

My girlfriend Esther* called me last night with a new dating debacle. She met this guy she knows from the community on JDate. His name is Yoni and once they started instant messaging each other, conversation flowed, she laughed, she was interested and it seemed 100% mutual. They went out and the date went really well, too. There was chemistry and they had a lot in common and they wanted to make plans to see each other again. Then the problem reared its ugly head.

Esther started telling some girlfriends that she had met this great guy, a guy she knew from the community but a guy she admittedly probably wouldn’t have given a chance to had he approached her at a local Jewish event. Once she said it was Yoni she started to hear rumors about more and more friends and acquaintances whom had all dated him. Turns out the guy is a serial dater.

Since I know Yoni, too, I was able to give Esther some advice. Yoni really wants to get married (although not exactly in a stinking-of-desperation kind of way) and is willing to turn over every rock to find his Beshert, I don’t see a problem with that but it’s tough to hear he has dated every relatively attractive woman who is active in the community. Some were just one or two dates, others were long term relationships. None of the women had anything bad to say about Yoni, just that “it” wasn’t there. When Yoni runs into his exes at events they greet him cordially with a warm hug and kiss on the cheek. There is no animosity. But there’s also no concrete reason any of them stopped dating. There’s just something you can’t quite put your finger on.

Instinctually, I didn’t think Yoni was right for Esther, but I thought he would be good dating practice so I softened the edges for her. I told her that she shouldn’t have a problem with someone who has dated everyone possible, it just means they are looking for the same thing as her. As long as her friends who dated the guy give her their blessing and warn her if there’s anything worth knowing, I say all he’s free game. Esther had realistic reasons to be concerned, but she had already been on a date with him and enjoyed herself, so why should she be punished because other people didn’t have as successful as dates? I told her that I would be more concerned if she didn’t know one person whom he had dated. Yoni was obviously committed to finding a Jewish woman, and that’s exactly the type of guy Esther was looking for.


JDate Stalker

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Relationships,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

Hi!  Ok, so I’ve been on and off of JDate for a few years now, and I currently find myself in a situation that I have never been faced with before. I met a guy on here and we totally hit it off.  We’re in no way even close to being in a committed relationship, but we emailed for months (he was traveling), and had instant chemistry when we first met.  He seems like a really genuine guy, and not at all a serial dater (which I’ve turned into, and don’t want to be anymore).  Anyway, I can’t help but to sign on every few days and see if he’s signed on!  It’s driving me crazy.  I can see when he’s viewing me, so he’s not just signing on to do that…so it’s safe to say he’s interested in what’s out there. Any advice for me? I know I should stop checking, but that’s too easy!

Dear JDate Stalker,

Hello and welcome to the club. Anyone who has ever been on JDate has at one point or another turned into a cyber stalker. The first step is admitting it — which you’ve basically done by writing me. Now for the intervention…First of all, and be honest with yourself, can you truthfully say that in all the times you logged on to check if he was logging on that you didn’t also check who was new, who viewed you and who your matches were? Sure you did! It’s a natural impulse! Second, you yourself said that you are nowhere near a committed relationship, so there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be on JDate, right? It obviously sounds like you want to take the relationship to that level, so why not introduce “the talk?” You’ve been communicating for many months already and if he is as you say — not a serial dater — and the chemistry is mutual — then the conversation should go your way. I know it’s easier said than done to just tell you to stop logging on and stop stalking him, so instead I say take the bull by its horns and steer this relationship in the direction you want it to go. Good Luck!