I received an interesting response to my recent article “Having the Confidence to Get Out of a Bad Relationship“: I know it’s really hard to get out of a troubling relationship, I waited for months before manning up and finishing it once and for all. I think it all comes down to lack of self respect and doubting you’ll get back on your feet after the breakup. It’s true. Many people are scared of being alone, scared they will never find anyone better – or anyone else for that matter – and are willing to settle. But you will recover and chances are very high you will meet someone else. Realistically, a few of you will end up alone, but most of you will meet someone and get married. So suck it up and get out of a failing relationship and go find someone who makes you happy… even if that means you being happy by yourself for a little while.
How do I figure out who is the right type of person for me? I have dated many over the years. I’m in a relationship with a wonderful man who does nothing for me when it comes to conversation or sex anymore. I settled. Shame on me. Ready to get out and move on……soon.
Dear Having the Confidence to Get Out of a Bad Relationship,
I applaud you for recognizing you aren’t in the type of relationship you want, but I will ask of you to try and find the spark that brought you together to begin with. If after trying to make it work you still don’t feel anything except that you settled, then cut your losses and move on to give both of you the chance to find someone new. It’s only fair to let your partner know how you feel and it’s only fair to let your partner go if you’re no longer emotionally invested in the relationship.
Back to your first question: in order to figure out what your type is I have always recommended to make lists. Write down everything you want in a mate and don’t want. Write down what you bring to a relationship and while you’re at it, write down the things you want to change about yourself as a partner that you’ve learned from past relationships – these two lists will help in filling out your JDate profile. All four lists are ever-changing and should be edited often as you learn more about what you want and who you are.
Once you have a list you need to prioritize. Figure out which traits are the most important and most valuable. There should be less than ten non-negotiables. Way less. Between three and seven”must-haves” is more than enough and will actually make finding your Beshert easier. Once you figure out what those must-haves are, then you have your type. Everything else is just an added bonus. Already you have found out through experience that conversation and sex are a necessity, so what else makes the cut? Good luck!