under Online Dating
On the eve of Presidents’ Day Weekend, what better time to posit this: If the chief executive garners 55% approval, he’s doing pretty well. If 45% hate his guts, he’s basically a winner. So how come we need to approve closer to 100% of the qualities of our dating candidates? After all, it’s not like they have the power to destroy the world. Just an evening.
In honor of the holiday, this weekend try loosening the restrictions on your JDate laundry lists. Toss out your old images of Mr. or Ms. Right. 45% of his or her qualities repel you? Congrats! He or she is a keeper!
And guys, whether you grow up to be President or not, may JDate help you meet your first lady… who just might become your last lady.
Everyone knows I had a checklist of what I was looking for in my husband. It was long and detailed, and eventually I transferred it to a spreadsheet and gave the items numerical values. Of course that’s a tad immature, and some have even been appalled at the concept, but really it served to remind me what was important so that I didn’t get swept up by lust. The scorecard determined which traits were non-negotiable and which were nice to have but not a necessity. “Jewish” was the most important with a value of 100 points but that was the only one worth that much – basically it was a given so if any man wasn’t Jewish, he would never “earn” enough points to be worthy (of me, at least).
The traits which followed in importance were worth 10 points and decreased in value down to 5. Anything that wasn’t 5 points didn’t need to be on my list. I made the list at 16 years old, and as my age changed so too did the numbers. Some moved up, some down, and some were eliminated altogether. The Tamar at 18, 21, 25, still wanted the majority of the traits, but as I got older I realized which ones were realistic, which were optimistic and which were fatalistic.
You should know what you want and how important certain items are, but you need to have more than the one non-negotiable. Jewish is a given, so what else is make-or-break? I had about 10 items which were worth 10 points each, but if a guy had at least the majority of those items then I would consider him, he didn’t have to have to be a Perfect 10. Such things don’t exist except in magazines with airbrushing. Just know which couple of items you’re not willing to budge on. For me, I never thought I would ever date a smoker and I ended up marrying one because he has enough of the other important things I do want that I could ignore an item here and there that I didn’t want (and since we got married, he’s quit smoking).
A few years ago I dated a guy about five years older than me. When the relationship ended, I was stunned to see him step out with a woman five years older than he. That’s when I realized I was competing with women ten years my junior for the same men. Not a comforting thought.
This realization opened my eyes to a number of things. First, the guys on JDate are selecting a much wider age range than I had assumed. Men are far more open to dating women both much younger as well as much older than they are. Second, women tend to have much stricter standards and that calculates to more women per capita, an equation that makes an already tough dating scene seem impossible. It also made me realize that I don’t want to still be single ten years from now dating guys that are also dating girls ten years younger than I. If it bothers me as the younger woman in the scenario, I can’t even begin to imagine how perturbed the older women are.
I decided that women need to take a page from the men’s handbook and increase their age range preference. Of course you need to feel comfortable, but there’s no reason not to date a guy a year or two younger or, even, up to ten years older. If you feel old enough to be a guy’s mother or young enough to be his daughter, then maybe you’ve gone too far. Simply increase your age range a little bit in each direction in order to increase your chances at meeting your beshert. Good Luck!
I know this may seem like a hard question to answer, but when Jewish girls are looking to date a Jewish guy, why do they have really high standards that no one can meet? Every girl I’ve come in contact with on JDate is looking for someone that doesn’t exist. For instance, I’ve met some girls who are still in school but are looking for a guy who already has his bachelor’s degree even though they haven’t yet graduated. I understand the whole security thing with a job and degree, but is there a reason why girls on this site can’t look into the near, immediate future instead of so far down the road?
Dear High Standards Syndrome,
It may sound surprising to you, but there are guys on JDate who are just as picky and unrealistic! But that’s beside the point and I want to address your question and not just go on the defensive (hiding my smirk). It sounds like many of the girls you have experienced on JDate are on the younger side and I bet they will adjust their preferences as they get older and find that their idea of a perfect man doesn’t exist. In the meantime, I’d suggest you alter your preferences and look for women a bit older and who already have their bachelor degrees so you don’t run into the type of women you’ve described above. No matter what though, there are always going to be women who think they are the cat’s meow and believe they deserve the smartest, richest, most handsome guy out there even if they aren’t bringing the same attributes to the table. Luckily, your princess radar seems to be working, so simply eliminate these immature women with unrealistically high standards as soon as you see the signs. But, be cautious because sometimes a lamb is hiding in sheep’s clothing. Some women would rather set the highest standards for themselves and then decide which to compromise on when a good guy comes along — as they could do with you if only they would give you a chance and you would give them some leeway. I, on the other hand, always did the opposite: I set medium height yet realistic standards and waited for a guy to come along who surpassed my expectations. Try to hold back from judging the women too quickly as oftentimes women (as well as men) on JDate tend to come with an overly-confident attitude at first because they’re simply scared. Good Luck!
under Date Night
Another broken rule that can be given a “pass” is when a guy calls to ask you out for the weekend after Wednesday. On one hand a man may need to know you require more advanced warning because you are a busy and popular gal, but if he’s calling you on a Thursday for Saturday and you have nothing to do and on top of that you actually like the guy, than why not accept the date? This “pass” is perfect for giving out (theoretically given out, please don’t actually tell him you’re giving him a “pass” or make a book of coupons) when you met the man within the same week or when you know he’s just returning from a work trip or when you had your first date a few days prior and you really enjoyed yourself and want to keep the momentum going.
A “pass” should not be given out in extreme circumstances. Sometimes you need to set a bar for yourself on how you wish to be treated and not let anyone manipulate those standards, no matter how charming he may be. Like when you emailed a JDate your phone number and he ignored it completely and continued to email you. A “pass” should not be given out when you feel disappointed or hurt because you don’t want to set a precedent that this type of behavior is okay.
Silly rules for dating have been created by people who used the tactics once – and coincidentally succeeded – rules are made to be broken for just this reason… they are silly! If you want to give a guy a break for waiting three days to call you instead of two, then do so. Who knows, he may be the one and had you not given him some leeway you would never have known that.