under Date Night
At the beginning of the summer, I set my mind on becoming well read. Six books later, I’m feeling proud of sticking to that goal, and I’m even happier that it did not require me to drop any of my other ongoing goals. If you want to play a new instrument or learn to surf, I say go for it. Reaching for something reasonably within grasp and meeting a goal is a huge confidence booster.
If your goals are interpersonal, it’s a bit harder to just jump in, but it’s equally important to have measurable successes. Maybe you want to start going on more dates after a long dry spell. I always like to make goals quantifiable, but that’s just the engineer in me talking. Maybe you want to make more friends or go to temple more regularly. Goals are great, but they’re not as helpful tucked away on a shelf for later.
Someone who I’m close to (who hates unsolicited advice) mentioned they think they are going to “be alone forever.” How is she supposed to make progress toward her goal of having better relationships if she’s so negative from the get go? She hasn’t even tried to date since her relationship ended nearly three years ago.
Two small things I want to tell her:
- Attitude is HUGE! It’s maybe the most pivotal component to success.
- Why not now? Why not today? Your happiness may depend on it.
It doesn’t have to be a relationship. I’m sure she has other aspirations. You probably do too. Building your skills or trying something new may give you a funny new story to tell on a date, or may even make you a richer, happier person. There’s no harm in trying, in or out of the dating arena. You have nothing to lose, and only something to gain when you go for it.
Everyone talks about learning lessons from your past so that you don’t repeat your mistakes, but you ought to also learn from your past in a positive way.
What did you like the most about your exes? What attracted you in a way that wouldn’t wane no matter how bad the relationship got? What did your exes do to make you happy? What were the reasons you wanted to stay with your ex? What kept you there when the going got tough?
Look for those same qualities in your next mate… and then of course remember the lessons you learned about from your past relationships which contributed to their demise (i.e. the negative stuff) and keep those things in mind as well.
under Online Dating
I see this happen quite often. Friends finding their match – whether online or through other friends. It sometimes feels like it’s so easy for them, and yet so hard for everyone else. Either way, when it happens, it’s most important to be happy for them. Here’s how you can work on doing that:
- Do: Be sure to congratulate them on their new relationship and be happy for them. Even if at first you are overcome with jealousy, that feeling will pass. There’s no reason to explode those jealous feelings on your friends. Keep them to yourself — if possible.
- Don’t: Feel as though the world around you is moving in a different direction and it’s somehow, someway, easier for everyone else to meet someone. People enter relationships for all different reasons, at all different times in their lives. It’s important that you don’t compare and contrast your life with anyone else.