I don’t hear from some men for days, weeks, months even! Then they just act like everything’s fine and we can pick right up where we left off. It doesn’t work that way. There’s a certain rhythm to relationships, and I can’t get into a groove with someone I only hear from sporadically. These are eligible men, but we just never get anything off the ground because they can’t manage to communicate regularly. I call them prairie dogs — they pop up (text, text, text), then disappear (silence… a week goes by), then pop up again (text, text), then gone. And repeat! Some guys text me like that for months, never materializing, till I finally have to say, “Please stop.” It gives new meaning to the term “long-distance relationship.” The guy’s around the corner, but emotionally he’s light years away.
So what’s the ‘right’ timing for keeping in touch in early courtship?
Dear Rhythm and Timing,
Great question. The answer is obvious, but hard to face. If a guy were interested he would call — NOT TEXT — regularly in early courtship in order to make plans to see you as often as possible. A guy who texts you sporadically is simply trying to keep you hooked for when he’s bored or lonely. I know that stings. It sucks. But it’s the truth. If you don’t hear from a guy for a week or more between texts, then don’t wait for him to do it again. Tell him to stop. A guy who wants to date you will call within a couple of days of meeting you (or asking for and receiving your number on JDate), and will make plans with you for within the week. He will call you again to confirm the date and he will call you shortly after the date as well. Don’t confuse attention with interest.
So what is the best way to meet a woman online? I am not a pick-up line guy and typically meet people through personal conversations. I am texting this person I met on JDate and I hate the texting stuff, but it seems that’s how the world works these days. I was married 26 years and am going through a divorce so this is my first stint at this. Any advice?
Texting and dating don’t match. A couple should not begin texting until they have been on a few dates. Before then it is too impersonal and leaves too much to be misconstrued. Believe me, a woman wants to be wooed and a text is not romantic (they can be, they’re just not appropriate in the beginning). After matching up on JDate, send a few emails, ask for her phone number, call her within 48 hours of receiving the digits and ask her out on a date during the first phone call and make the plans within 3-7 days after that phone call. You’ve been out of the dating game for a long time but for the most part things haven’t changed aside from the advances in technology. JDate is already something new and obviously useful, but the other electronic stuff can be ignored for awhile. If you receive a text, answer it succinctly but don’t open the door for a texting conversation. If it does start going back and forth, pick up the phone and call her and tell her that you’d rather hear her voice.
You’re dating… it could be one person, it could be a couple of people, but it’s new… you go out with your friends and get tipsy… and you decide THIS would be the perfect time to call or text your latest date(s)… you make a complete fool out of yourself and then wonder why you’re still single the next time you find yourself out with your friends having a few drinks and taking out your phone. It’s a vicious cycle. DO NOT call or text a new date when you’re drunk. It’s just not going to turn out well. The date will either be offended by something you said or by the simple fact that you’re calling drunk at 2am… or the date will take you up on your offer of sexual favors and suddenly the relationship has gone down a different road. If you are truly looking for your Beshert then do not call or text your dates drunk. Dates that you take seriously and respect are not the ones you call drunk in the middle of the night… even if it’s to profess your love. Wait til you’re sober, it will mean more.
I received another cluster of emails last week from both friends and strangers ranting about text messaging before they had even met their prospect. Texting to make plans, texting to say hi, texting to ask personal questions, texting to flirt — but they haven’t even met yet! I urge the couple to get off the computer, but when I say to take it to the phone I mean by talking not texting. Don’t get to know each other via email, texting or phone calls — just get together in person! You already know so much via the JDate profile questions and essays, so don’t add any more pressure to the equation. But that’s not the point here: texting is impersonal and impolite. Texting gives off the vibe of a booty call. DO NOT TEXT! Texting is what you do with people you already know, who understand your sarcasm, who you know can’t talk at that time. Texting is not how you ask someone out or how you come on to someone or what you build a relationship upon. Go from a few emails on JDate to the phone to in person and see how it is and how you are together before you even think about putting your thumbs to the touch screen.
I am a doctor and I met another doctor on JDate. She gave me her contact information but her email bounced back and so I texted and teased her about it. She apologized for the typo and gave me the correction. Still, should I be concerned??
Dear Prescription for Love,
Give the gal another chance, it could have been an honest mistake. You know how you doctors are with your totally illegible handwriting! I can’t tell you how many times I type my own name wrong when I’m texting on my phone. There are plenty of valid excuses that are acceptable. Now, if her phone number was wrong, that would be another issue, but you texted her and she answered so it sounds like her typo and apology was legit. Ask her out and have fun, don’t harp on the mistake or you might ruin something really great!
Hi, I was wondering if you could let me know the best way to let someone I went out on a date with know that I am not interested in seeing them again after they contact me. I’m still fairly new on here and have been on a couple dates with guys that were nice but there was no attraction on my end. Both guys texted or called me after our date. So what do you think is the best and most polite way to handle this situation? I am 26 and a lot of people I know just ignore the person they do not want to see again. Some of my friends say that is less hurtful than telling somebody you just didn’t feel a connection or just see them as a friend. What do you think? Please help! Thanks!
Dear Reject with Respect,
If you went on a JDate and liked the person but it wasn’t mutual you would appreciate being told wouldn’t you? So I agree you should show the dates you don’t like the same respect. Your friends who don’t do it are cowards, because it’s really not that difficult and karma is much worse. There are a few ways you can go about this: Phone, text, email and JDate. Rejecting on the phone is by far the hardest way. You can answer your dates calls or return theirs and simply say “thank you so much, I had a really nice time but to be honest I just didn’t feel like it was a match.” Usually the written word is easier. Text isn’t great but it will do: “Thx 4 the call. Unfortunately it’s not going 2 work out. GL.” (GL=Good Luck) As you can see it’s a bit harsh. Rather, an email via personal email or your JDate account would be better. Let your date know you had a nice time and (insert compliment here) but that you don’t think it’s a match and you hope he meets his Beshert soon. It’s in the best interest of your dating life to be as polite as possible.
I am so confused and frustrated right now. I met this amazing girl on JDate. We went on a date in NYC and the chemistry was great. I called her a few days later and left a message on her phone. I received a text saying she was feeling sick that weekend. I understand completely and wished her a speedy recovery. Since then I have not heard from her. I just don’t understand why there is no follow up. I want to call her badly but think I should wait till after this weekend. Something seems strange, maybe she had a change of heart? But so suddenly? Event to just talk to her on the phone would be great but I’m confused on why she hasn’t been in touch.
Dear Continuity Confusion,
Go ahead and call her. I hate texts, but if she was sick then I’ll give her a pass for not calling. Some women want to be pursued and if she wasn’t feeling well she may be waiting for you to call and see how she’s feeling. I think it’s a bit presumptuous to think she’s had a change of heart. On one hand it’s only been one date, on the other hand you’ve only made one phone call. Take the risk and put yourself out there and make that call!
My friend Miriam* called me for advice the other day. She met a guy JDate but things haven’t exactly gone smoothly. He sent her the initial email on JDate which was good and after exchanging a few e-mails he asked her, still via JDate e-mail, to meet him for a glass of wine. She responded with her phone number. His response: his phone number. Obviously, they didn’t meet because someone had to make the first phone call, right? After a few more e-mails throughout the weekend he again asked her to meet, this time for gelato. She responded with her phone number. His response: a text. The non-existent relationship went from confusing to annoying.
She told him she wasn’t a text person, but he told her he wasn’t a phone person. It was enough to make a girl give up and Miriam was just about to throw in the towel. I advised her to stop playing his game and not respond to his texts. It worked. He finally called the next day to ask her out. Finally, they met but all that effort was wasted as it wasn’t meant to be. I doubt this guy is going to find his Beshert if he continues to be difficult and communicate with women in this bizarre way.
*all names have been changed
In this day and age it’s hard not to make a phone call. I accidentally call people all the time when I forget to lock the keypad on my cell phone. Still, I get more e-mails from women asking why men don’t call than any other type of question or complaint. It’s one of the oldest unanswered mysteries of our time: why do guys ask for our phone numbers and then never call? If you’re on JDate then you’re there to meet someone, right? I remember playing the JDate game perfectly — viewing, flirting, IMing, emailing, giving out my number and then… nothing.
Was his conquest complete after getting the digits? Did he suddenly suffer a case of amnesia? Is it possible he dropped his phone into a cup of water while he was hugging someone and lost all his numbers? (This is an actual excuse I got once.) Who really knows? Women are left to ponder the possibilities for endless eternity. Even worse, you went on a great date, had a really nice kiss at the end of the night, he told you he’d call you… and then… silence. Really? Come on guys, call if you say you’re going to call, otherwise don’t say you’re going to call. It’s simple.
One excuse I hear from men is that women like to talk a lot and they don’t want to get stuck talking on the phone forever. Instead, they’d rather text (groan). If you really want to see someone, then take the time and make the effort to place a phone call. It doesn’t have to be a long one. You can even start off the conversation by saying you’re busy but want to make plans to get together. But no, men would rather text “what r u up 2?” Seriously? You’re going to ask someone out via text message? (Again, this happened to me and more often than you’d think.)
A text does not take the place of a phone call. Period. Just pick up the phone and dial!
I know women aren’t innocent here (not even close), but I’ll get into that next week.
under Date Night
So I have very different views than my best friend when it comes to phone versus text-versations. I absolutely abhor drawn out convos via dialing, and she hates reading the convos set forth through tiny screens. I guess dating etiquette dictates that when it comes to the first meet and greet, one should call to confirm before the date. But what if neither one of you want to chat? I guess your preference comes into play when figuring out the logistics of the date. Also, ne should never assume that a call is needed to confirm. In this age of technological advancements you have to clear a path for communication before you get thrown a busy signal. When lines get crossed, try another form of talking and put in the effort before your somewhat significant other dials out of area.