Picture the following scene: you’ve just gotten home from a great first date. You really liked him or her and you’re surely going to sleep with a smile on your face tonight. The next morning, you’re thinking about last night’s date as you get ready for work. You’re looking forward to date number two. By lunchtime, you keep glancing at your phone, wondering whether or not it would be too soon to text him or her. What should you do?

You should text your date. Not because there’s a rule that says you have to (in fact, isn’t there a rule that says you shouldn’t?) but because doing so is honest. It’s in line with what you feel and therefore, genuine. After working with all types of clients who have all types of relationship dilemmas, I often find myself saying: “act more honest about how you feel” and recommending that their actions be more in line with their thoughts. Otherwise, you spend a lot of time confusing your date and maybe even yourself!

Some time ago, a guy told another guy that making a woman wait three days before he called her would result in the woman liking him more. And, around that same time, a woman told another woman that she should play hard to get. Unknowingly, these two simple instructions turned into the game of dating today, where a man calls a woman after three days and she doesn’t return the call for another three. Or, daters “in like” find themselves constantly peeking at their smartphones, hoping they texted but too afraid to send a text of their own. And, when it comes to actual face to face communication, who tells someone that they “really like them” anymore?

This isn’t how it should be! It is time to bring the genuineness back into dating. Telling the truth or as I like to call it “acting the truth” (as in the texting example I mentioned above) is the way to go.

There are a few reasons this is important, especially in the initial steps of dating:

1. Being truthful and open in dating is surprising, and in a good way.
2. Your actions are in line with your thoughts and at the end of the day, actions are what matter. (She’s not going to know you spent all day wondering how she’s feeling but she will get that chicken soup you sent her…)
3. You can truthfully say that “you did everything you could” to try and make something work. In retrospect, how many of you have said “oh, if only I’d been more _____ or not as closed off, or told them how I really feel…” in wondering if a relationship could have worked? Knowing that you had been as open and honest (read: vulnerable) as you could have been, gives you the peace of mind that you did truly try.

To go back to the first point I made, here’s something that happens so often that we barely even think about it anymore. You casually ask someone “how are you?” and they typically answer “oh, fine” just to be courteous, even if they’re not. But what happens when your casual question gets the occasional honest answer? (My favorite is from last week, when my doorman told me that “things are wonderful but he wishes they’d fix the oven because his wife keeps burning her cooking and man, does it give him indigestion…”) You stop, think, and engage.

I know this is a very trite example of a much bigger concept but it is so important! The point is that we, in dating, spend a lot of time corralling our feelings, censoring our desires, and altogether protecting ourselves from the seemingly inevitable hurt of a breakup. We won’t let ourselves say the truth about how we feel, much less act the truth when in reality, if a guy or girl is really into you, those little actions or supposed dating missteps are not going to change that. So do them. At best, you’ll make your date happy and end up on date two, or three, or more. At worst, you’ll quickly figure out that they’re just not that into you but that, dangit, this is who you are.

I had a great coaching session with some girls earlier this week and I wanted to end this post with the same message I ended our workshop with: you are going to be perfectly ok if things don’t end up working out. (Trust me!) I strongly believe that fear is what prevents us from being more open, vulnerable and honest in dating. But fear of what? A little emotional pain? You can take life’s knocks so go out there and let’s bring the truth back into dating.

 Dear Gems from Jen,

So, I had asked you, earlier on the month, about a situation I had with a guy who had blown me off with no explanation after a great first date and constant texting and calls after. Well, his excuse was he lost his phone and came down with the flu. He apologized and we called a truce and I gave him a second chance which he seemed to be thankful for. Well, we met again for the second time the other night. The whole week prior to the date we texted each other constantly throughout the day and night (which bothered me a bit). I am used to talking on the phone a lot to get to know someone, but I have not dated in eight years so I just figured that texting is what singles are doing nowadays. Anyway, the date went well, we had a great conversation, he showed me pictures of his daughter, we talked about our kids and I was happy that we had met up again. He even commented on how happy he was that I gave him another chance. The date lasted four hours. Before we left the restaurant he told me to text him when I got home to let him know I was ok. I got home, texted him and went to bed.

 The next day I thought it a bit odd that I did not hear from him in the morning so I went about my day. Late in the afternoon, I texted him to say hi and asked how his day was going and I never heard from him again! Wow, do I feel like an idiot for giving this jerk a second chance. I am starting to think he has a girlfriend. Why would someone screw with someone’s head like this? If dating is like this nowadays let me stop right here. Who needs this aggravation and disappointment? That is why I left my husband. Since I am new to dating again please let me know if I did something wrong here…was it giving him a second chance?

Dear What Happened Part II,

Again, I’m sorry this happened to you. Sometimes, it takes us longer to learn the lessons we need to learn. This guy, as you can obviously tell at this point, is not being honest with you. He has a pattern here and if you ever hear from him again my suggestion would be to run the other way! I have no idea what his motives truly are, but he is not the straight-forward person he claims to be.

As for the texting, if this is not a comfortable way of communicating for you let the other person know. No one is a mind reader and you must feel comfortable in order to be fully vested in a relationship.

The only mistake you made was giving this guy a second chance.  We have all done it, so don’t beat yourself up. Just realize he is not the one for you and continue your search.  There really are nice guys out there!

Signed,

Gems from Jen