After a countless number of first dates (47), I had decided that I had to do something about my self-esteem before my self-deprecatory comedic nature led me to laugh with my friends about how much of a loser I am until my thin veil of happiness melted in a fit of unbridled rage against people that formerly would have identified me as a friend.

I needed an ego boost. I am not happy or proud of the way I tried to do so. I decided to accept a date with any woman. I arrived at the restaurant early because I was still nervous. As I sat there looking at the wait staff who had to have reluctantly agreed to all wear horrible Halloween costumes, I figured that nobody in this restaurant except for the old man drinking by himself was truly happy. The date was pleasant. We had good conversation and the food was equally pleasant. Though I was not attracted to her, and her voice reminded me of my step-sister, who I like, but I do not want to date, she was very nice. The day after the date, I received a text that I had previously sent out 47 other times. It said she had a great time and wanted to hang out again this weekend.

I knew exactly how she felt at that moment, and I know exactly how she would feel if I didn’t respond. It is one of the worst feelings I’ve ever experienced. It’s just complete rejection after pouring your heart out for an entire evening to a total stranger. You stand by your phone waiting for that buzz that never comes. You can’t eat or sleep, and getting up for work is even more of a chore. I had to send her something, but I did not want to go out with her again. Next week, I will tell you what I eventually said, and how she responded.

Just got a new phone number online?  Haven’t met yet?  Haven’t even talked on the phone yet? Grab that smart phone and start texting! 

These days texting is an essential part of online dating.  It will help you get to know the person you are with for a long period of time.  While you spend days randomly texting here and there, the comfort levels will increase and go way up.

By the time you meet for a first date, comfort levels will be so high that it will not feel awkward or like a blind date at all.  Run your messages right and you may even feel like you have already been dating for a long period of time.

How often should you text?

Don’t overdo it.  Remember, you don’t know each other yet, so you don’t want to come across as creepy or stalkerish.  A random text here or there will get the job done. 

More on what to text in the next entry!

Let’s start with a few quick texting tips for both the ladies and gents:

1. Don’t text to ask someone on a date, especially a first date.
2. Don’t break a date via text, unless you don’t care whether or not you’ll reschedule. If you truly do want to meet the person, call them up. The personal connection and time you take to call shows you care.
3. Text-flirting is good but make sure that you’re comfortable with what you’re texting. In other words, make sure the temperature of your texts matches up with the temperature of your real-life relationship. (More on this in a sec)

A tip for the ladies: don’t send those “three text-long” texts to a guy you’re just starting to date. Keep it short, sweet, and to the point. And gents, texting is good to maintain some rapport but not a complete substitute for picking up the phone and calling her!

Ok, now that we’ve got some basics out of the way. Let’s talk temperature. What does that even mean? Temperature refers to the tone of the text message. Think of a scale of cold – neutral – hot. A text that says something like “hi, whatcha doing?” falls in the neutral category because it’s probably not going to elicit a huge emotional reaction from its recipient. Answering something like “thinking of you” shifts things into a higher temperature — it’s probably going to put a smile on the face of the person reading it.

So here’s what I always say about texting — keep the temperature consistent with your real-life interactions. For example, if you’ve just started seeing someone, you’re probably not at the “hi baby honey shmoopie” stage, so your text messages shouldn’t be. But, that doesn’t mean you need to be cold either. In short, text how you talk. This is good because it’s consistent with your real-life interactions so shouldn’t slow down/weird anyone out.

On the other hand, if everything’s in neutral (shy people unite!) texting is a great way to flirt and raise the temperature. Time for date #2? Text your guy that you’re dying for him to smell your new perfume. Or gents, tell your lady that you need her opinion of your new shirt/pants/tie/whatever because you’re just asking her to check you out. Here’s the catch though: you can’t text-flirt and then not back it up when you get together! Just remember, if they’re flirting with you it’s because they’re into you.

Rule of thumb? If you’re into the person, try to maintain your texting temp, or raise it. Responding to a message like “Hope you’re having a great day! I know I am since we’re going to that great show tonight” with “its fine, thanks” is just a buzzkill!

Got a question? Comment below or send Mel a private e-mail here.

When you have a date planned with someone you met over the Internet, the rules of engagement differ from the pre-date rules with someone met in real life. While it is never a great idea to bombard a new romantic intrigue with the thoughts that pop into your head in the form of text messages sent in real time, so much more is this the case when dealing with someone you’ve never laid eyes on. If you are sending such communiques and getting limited to zero response, cease and desist this operation. Consider the merit of your message before hitting send on an email, text, or outgoing call that is not directly related to the logistical details of a date. Nothing says “I have no friends” more than a news feed. So reserve sharing the cutesy particulars of such things like the variety of breakfast cereal your are currently consuming for never. If you can’t wait that long to get that deep, hold out until after the first date.

A recent date told me he was a little bummed that I didn’t respond to his offer, not of marriage but a date.  I would have responded had I gotten it… Who knows whose phone cracked under the pressure but, should it matter?  I get we live in an instant, available all the time, communication world…when was the last time you sent your romantic interest an old fashioned card to open??  Not only is texting effortless but also kind-of unromantic.  It puts another layer between 2 people– but I guess it is also efficient, protects egos involved, and makes it easier to decline invitations as well.  It is no longer personal.  I guess my thought is take a chance– put in the effort, call your interest and you’ll know first-hand the situation and you won’t have to rely on technology to “maybe” deliver the message, or have the crackberry crack under pressure.

Dear Gems from Jen,

I have been seeing a man for the past six weekends. He prefers to text conversations and rarely calls. If I call him, it is not often that he will pick up the phone. I told him that I was a bit frustrated with texting and the way we were communicating.

His reply “If I am causing you pain then I’ll back off.” I just simply said, “Do you want to call this time?” He replied, “Yes.” However, it’s still text, text and text.

Ouch!

Dear Texting Not Talking,

I completely understand your frustration! In my opinion, there is something missing when texting is the main form of communication. Texting allows our own interpretations to take charge of what is really being said. There really is no substitute for a phone call. If this guy is not willing to communicate in a manner that you feel comfortable with then I agree; you have made the right decision regarding giving this relationship some time. Texting once in awhile is fine, but to have that as the main form of communication equals very little communication. It sounds to me as if he might not be the best match for you. Keep up the search on JDate and make it clear in your profile that communication is of the utmost importance to you. Hope this helps!

Signed,
Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen,

I met a guy online and we have been corresponding through Instant Messenger, Email, phone calls and texting for about the past month.  We still have yet to meet each other in person, which seems a little odd to me.  We do have different work schedules, so it is hard to figure out when we can get together, but I of course suggested that we meet for coffee sometime and that way we can at least meet for a little bit. However, he says that he really wants us to meet for a half day, so that we can spend a lot of time together.  I don’t quite get it. I would think that if he really wanted to meet me, a little time is better than none.  I’m not sure if I should bother communicating with this guy any longer. What do you think?

Dear First Date,

I agree with you, it does seem a little odd. It sounds as if the two of you have both agreed to meet and for some reason unknown to us, he is not willing to even meet for a quick cup of coffee. I’m not so sure there is anything else you can do at this point. He either wants to meet or he doesn’t. Do yourself a favor and keep your profile active on JDate.  Continue to look at profiles and correspond with those that spark your interest.  Don’t wait around for a guy that is unwilling to commit to a first meeting.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

Dear Gems from Jen,
I started emailing back and forth with this guy. We totally hit it off and could not wait to meet each other. We met last Monday night for drinks and immediately connected. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday we texted each other all day long and spoke at night on the phone. He made tentative plans with me for Friday, but said he had to take care of something so he asked if I wanted to meet on Saturday night and I accepted. We texted Friday evening back and forth all evening and then around midnight I answered a question he asked me and he did not answer back. I thought maybe he fell asleep (he did that one night and apologized profusely). Saturday morning came and I never heard from him. I called him and left a voicemail and still nothing. I texted him later to say I was concerned and wanted to know if he was ok…still nothing. I texted him Sunday morning to tell him how baffled I was to not hear from him considering he claimed to be a very up front and straight forward person. I thought we had connected on so many levels and so did he. So, I am asking…what happened here?

Dear What Happened,
I’m truly sorry this happened to you.  No one deserves this type of treatment. I know it can seem confusing, especially when the two of you seemed to have hit it off so well. Unless there was a real emergency there is no excuse for this behavior. Consider yourself lucky that you did not get any further with this guy.
I wish I had an answer for why this happened. It could be so many things that I don’t even want to speculate.  Just realize this is about him, not you. It is cowardly not to explain. Think of it this way; do you want to date someone who is not willing to even let you know he is not going to follow-through with the plans he made with you? He told you he was a straight forward person. Now you know right off the bat that he was not honest with you.  Most guys are not like this so don’t let this experience deter you. Keep up the search and chalk this up to one bad seed in the bunch.
Signed,
Gems from Jen