Learning from The Bachelor “Disaster”

by Tamar Caspi under Online Dating,Single Life

If you have ever watched any of the The Bachelor franchise’s shows then odds are you’ve seen or heard of a participant (contestant?) named Chris Bukowski who has been on a record-setting FIVE different seasons. Finally, he has learned his lesson and is exiting Bachelor Nation, but his journey reminds me of those singles who are TOO visible in the dating world.

Who am I talking about? You know them. It’s the singles who have been on JDate for years and years without a break and without even updating their profile or photos, and are also on other dating sites and apps, and go to every mixer in the community, and ask out or accept dates without any consideration, and are simply just too available that it comes off as desperate — learn from Chris B. and step away!

What should you do if you think this applies to you? Skip some events — don’t worry, your Beshert isn’t going to magically appear at that one event you miss! — hide your online dating profiles, and forget about dating for a while as you concentrate on other things in your life. There’s that obnoxious saying: when you’re not thinking about it (dating) as much, chances are that is when it will finally happen (meeting someone of substance) — but it’s true. Try it. What do you have to lose?

For more dating tips, buy How to Woo a Jew and follow me on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.

When Should You Tell Your Story?

by Tamar Caspi under Entertainment,Relationships,Single Life

A few weeks ago I wrote about telling “your story” and getting rid of the term “baggage.” And now I’m watching one of my guilty pleasures, The Bachelor, where one of the girls is proudly telling “her story.”

Chris and Kelsey

Chris and Kelsey from ABC’s The Bachelor

Kelsey is one of 11 women left on the show vying for farmer Chris’ love and attention. She also happens to have become a widow at the sad, young age of 26 when her husband died of heart failure. This is definitely a big part of who she is right now, just 18 months after the fact, but she technically doesn’t know Chris very well yet and, in fact, hadn’t even been on a 1-on-1 date yet. So, she sneaks away from the rest of the girls and goes to Chris’ room and tells him her story… then they embrace… and then they kiss for the first time… just seconds after she finishes discussing how the love of her life collapsed and died on a sidewalk a block from their home. Then she stares into a camera during an “ITM” (In The Moment) interview with Bachelor producers where she says: “Isn’t my story amazing? It’s tragic but amazing. I love my story.”

Nnnnnoooooooot exactly what I was referring to when I said to embrace your past and honor who it has made you today.

It was correct of Kelsey to tell Chris her story, however, how she did it was wrong. She was telling Chris her story to elicit pity from him and to draw him closer to her.

It is disrespectful to use your story for anything other than allowing someone to get to know you better, sharing about your journey, and explaining how it has made you who you are today. It’s also about timing. A first date isn’t the time to share your story; I’ve said it before but clearly it bears repeating. If you haven’t shared your story on a 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th date — and you can feel the date slipping away from you, then keep your story to yourself, it’s not your lifeline. You don’t want to engage a date by sharing your story, especially if it’s not going well.

But, if you’ve been on a few dates and things are going well, and you want to take it to the next level, then it’s time to open up. The only way to get closer and to bond is to let your walls down and share your story.


On the Same Page

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Ahhhhh… The Bachelor finale aired live and we all squirmed as Nikki — the “winner” — once again professed her love to Juan Pablo, only to have him repeatedly avoid answering the question of whether he loved her as well.

So, what do you do when you are in a relationship, are in love, and your partner isn’t there yet? How long do you wait for your significant other to start feeling as deeply as you do? At what point does your self-respect begin to take a beating?

There is… there is no right answer. You have to do what feels right, but you also may want to reassess the balance of power in the relationship. Are all your family members and friends warning you about your relationship? Does your partner ever use the difference in emotions to make you feel bad? Be honest with yourself and don’t let your ego get in your way of making the best decision for your heart, and your future.

The Dating Olympics

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

If dating were a sport and you were an Olympic athlete, then would be your competition? The U.S. seems to usually have the highest medal count with Russia and China not far behind, so if you’re going for gold who is in your way?

Oddly enough, this season of The Bachelor on ABC got me thinking about this metaphor. There are always group dates on the show, and contestants have to do things to make themselves stand out from the pack. As awful as it sounds, they have to compete for the Bachelor’s — or Bachelorette’s — attention. Some contestants receive negative attention by drinking too much and soon get disqualified. Others make sure to always sit next to the Bachelor or Bachelorette, touching the star of the show discreetly on their arm or leg, smiling and making eye contact, and ultimately creating opportunities to get one-on-one time. These contestants are playing the game masterfully, particularly when it all comes across naturally.

This is a lesson one must learn for both the screen — on JDate — as well as in person — at a mixer or a bar. What are you going to do to stand out and to retain the attention of your prospect while still maintaining self-respect? Confidence is the overlying theme, whether you’re an Olympic athlete or a single who is ready to mingle. Either way, you need to exude confidence in your main profile photo, your About Me paragraph, and when meeting someone in person. It doesn’t matter what you look like, it matters how you carry yourself.

Learning from the B*tch on The Bachelor

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Every season there’s a b*tch on The Bachelor. This season, Tierra takes the cake. She outdoes every previous villain in Bachelor franchise history. But (once again) it does lend some advice for dating.

First, who you are with your partner should be the same person you are when he or she is not around. If your mate only gets to see the fun, happy, smiley, peppy side of you, then he or she is not seeing the reality of who you are. Not everyone is cheerful all the time. And if every time you do cry or complain it has to do with other people hating on you, then don’t be surprised when your significant other is suspicious. No one is perfect all the time so don’t bother pretending to be.

Second, if you don’t have friends, then that’s a problem. Ladies without girlfriends and men without guyfriends are an issue. You have to ask yourself why you don’t have friends of the same gender because your mate is going to wonder why eventually as well. Are you difficult to get along with? Do you intimidate others? Do you always think everyone is attacking you or judging you? The older you get, the more important friends are (particularly friends of the same gender), so it’s time to make an effort because it’s both good for you and your relationship.

Ahhhh the things you can learn from The Bachelor!

Dear Ben C. from the Bachelorette

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Ben C.,

If the rumors are true and you are, in fact, back on JDate after your dismissal by Ashley on this past season’s The Bachelorette… then WELCOME BACK! We’re happy to have you here. I don’t particularly like that you said you were going “to clean up” once you got back on JDate, but it’s probably true. Besides being a handsome lawyer, you maintained your dignity on a show known for making jerks out of lesser men (see: William). That said, you’re going to have a tough time navigating the eligible women, so I’m proposing to be your Chris Harrison. We’ll create a virtual Jewish Bachelor with you as the prize. (And when JP is single again, he’s welcome to join in on the fun.) Seriously, no joke, shoot me an email and let’s make you a JDate Success Story!



Putting Up a Wall

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

I admit it, I watch “The Bachelor.” It’s my guilty pleasure and I love it! I find it interesting to see woman after woman putting it all on the line right away when there are two dozen other women vying for this one man’s attention whom they know nothing about and have spent little to no time with. On the other hand, it’s baffling when women have walls up and then wonder why they’re sent home. If you’re going on a show looking for love then why even bother pretending to have any pride left? Maybe that’s harsh of me, but it just seems like a waste of time. These women have so little time to get to know the Bachelor and yet some of them are not willing to open up at all.

JDate is the same. The numbers mean you are going to meet a lot of people and start many conversations and tell and retell your life story a million times until you meet your Beshert. Your chances of meeting your Beshert sooner have everything to do with how open you are and willing to share.

Many of us keep to the same script on first dates. We only want to let the person get to know us a certain amount and we want to control that amount because we’ve all been on one of those first dates where we talked for hours and hours only to never see the other person again. Why bother exchanging more than pleasantries until you know if there could be another date? This is the normal, human type of wall that most people, not just singles, seem to have naturally up to protect themselves.

The Bachelor’s Dating Dichotomy

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

So I’m watching the finale of “The Bachelor” and it got me thinking about stereotypes in dating, specifically the dichotomy of aggressive women (i.e. Chantal) versus the damsel in distress (i.e. Emily). In the last episode, the final two women meet Bachelor Brad’s family and his relatives then tell him their honest opinion about which woman they think is right for him. First up was Chantal and Brad’s family seemed to really like her and they commented on her outgoing, friendly nature. They thought she would be great for Brad and that they would have a lot of fun together and that she wouldn’t put up with his antics. Then they met sweet Emily and heard her sob story (seriously, I sob every time I hear it) and watched her very ladylike, shy demeanor. Suddenly they were head over heels in love with her and wanted Brad to pick her.

Brad also appeared to have fun with Chantal but he was enraptured by Emily. With Chantal, he was her equal and she repeatedly pointed out to him that she would never let him “get away” with anything. Meantime, Brad got to be the hero for Emily and her daughter, he got to feel wanted and needed. As much as men say they want a strong, independent woman, when it comes right down to it, those traits are equated as masculine and what straight man wants a masculine woman?

The longer a woman is single, the more aggressive she becomes in her career and in her dating life and therefore the more independent she becomes as well. A 30-year-old woman knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to go out and get it. My husband calls me “aggressive” constantly and I hate it, but it’s true. I was single until I was 28 and was in the very competitive world of broadcast journalism. My aggressiveness in the work arena without a doubt spilled into my dating world. But in my marriage that aggressiveness isn’t necessary. Women have been told over and over again that we are just as capable and therefore have a hard time giving up that power. I majored in Women’s Studies, so I have an even harder time admitting that I can’t do something and might possibly need a man’s help.

The more I try to think this out, the more I feel like I’m going in circles, because I vividly recall numerous circumstances where I gave a date the opportunity to open a door, put on my coat, pull out my chair, order for me, pay the bill, call me, ask me out, etc. and was rebuffed. Are men becoming too used to today’s women’s ways? Or did women become this way because men got lazy about chivalry? It seems counter-productive to tell single women to not “act aggressive” because the opposite of that is “weak” and weak women get walked all over by men. No one wants to be vulnerable. Why can’t a woman be ladylike and strong at the same time? Why are men threatened by a woman who doesn’t need him?

Again, I can debate both sides of this topic for hours. What it really comes down to is being yourself – a mixture of that successful woman at work and that vulnerable woman in love – so when a man comes along who complements your personality you aren’t hiding behind a wall of steel scared of getting hurt.